How to Be a Man

By Cliff Young

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value — Albert Einstein

Society tells us to “Be the man” and “You’re the man,” but it fails to give men an accurate picture of what that is. Even in the Bible, Nathan said to David, “You are the man!” . . . ”Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes?” (2 Samuel 12:7, 9).

Just because David was “the man” in his time, he had his share of struggles in knowing and in doing what was right in God’s eyes, too.

When I think about how to be a man, a lot of ideas, images, and thoughts come to mind. In some ways I wish that I didn’t have so many and there would be one clear cut “ideal” way. But in today’s world of questionable role models, political correctness, diversity acceptance, and gender confusion, it makes “being a man” a little confusing, and to do so as a Christian, even more so.

Today’s churches seem to have varying opinions of what a man should be as well. Some churches have adopted a passive, quiet, “turn the other cheek” sort of man, while other ministries, like the newly developed men’s conference, GodMen, have another take. From their website, www.godmen.com they say the following:

“The truth is that on any given Sunday, 60 percent of church attendees are women, and something about church today is keeping men away. We are attempting to create a worship place for men that looks nothing like church. It is a place where men of no religion and men who have left the church break bread with followers of Jesus. Where simply being a man, created in Gods image, is celebrated. An environment familiar with and conducive to the way men are made comfortable and the unique way men interact.”

Newsweek says about GodMen, “Their purpose: to reassert masculinity within a church structure that they say has been weakened by feminization.”

In the controversial book, Wild at Heart, which has sold over 500,000 copies, author John Eldredge says, “When all is said and done, I think most men in the church believe that God put them on the earth to be a good boy. The problem with men, we are told, is that they don’t know how to keep their promises, be spiritual leaders, talk to their wives, or raise their children . . . Walk into most churches in America, have a look around, and ask yourself this question: What is a Christian man?”

The bottom line is, “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him” (Genesis 1:27).

To the typical Christian guy, what does that mean? Even more puzzling is, how is that lived out? We are told that we are made in the image of God and we are to live our lives as Christ lived, but many of those “formative years” in Jesus’s life are not revealed in the Bible. We read about his life as a child teaching in the temple and we know of his years of ministry after he turns 30 years old, but nothing is said of his teenage and young adult years. In some ways, that can leave many questions for the spiritual growth of a man.

When I accepted Christ, I was working in a large company in the Bay Area and didn’t have a lot of other Christian businessmen around me who mentored me in how to live a godly Christian life within the confines of today’s fast-paced society and the world of business. I had to seek out older men who were living godly lives.

Guys, for whatever reason, oftentimes look for role models or “heroes.” Many of us won’t readily admit to doing so, but we want to be around others who exude “manliness,” guys we can “hang” with . . . “real men.” Of course if you asked us how to define “manliness,” you’d get a hundred different answers. But each one of us could probably point out someone who represents it to us.

One person I’ve found in the Bible that I would point to is Boaz. A lesser known character, he represents someone who followed God and lived a life that is relatable and whom I would like to emulate in some ways. Boaz wasn’t a disciple of Jesus—in fact he lived approximately 1000 years prior to Jesus. Boaz doesn’t have a book named after him, and his entire life is only mentioned in three chapters of Ruth. But in those three short chapters, Boaz shows us how to be a man of God, how to be a man in business and how to be a man in a relationship.

How to Be a Man of God

But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness (1 Timothy 6:11).

Many people can “look” like a man of God or “sound” like a man of God, but Boaz exemplified it in who he was, how he spoke and what he did.

• He was a “man of standing”—also known as “mighty man of valor,” possessed the finest of qualities (Ruth 2:1).
• He became “kinsman-redeemer”—took responsibility for Naomi and Ruth and their property (Ruth 2:20, 4:9).
• He blessed others—to his workers, “The Lord be with you” (Ruth 2:4); to Ruth, “May the Lord repay you for what you have done. May you be richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge” (Ruth 2:11-12).
• He spoke kindly to others and was kind—Ruth said, “You have given me comfort and have spoken kindly to your servant” (Ruth 2:13); Naomi said, “He has not stopped showing his kindness to the living and the dead” (Ruth 2:20).
• He cared about the feelings of others—“Even if she gathers among the sheaves, don’t embarrass her” (Ruth 2:15).

To be a man "of” God, you need to be a man who follows and submits “to” God. Boaz certainly depicted a man whose life was one of consistent submission to the Lord.

How to Be a Man in Business

What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? (Matthew 16:26).

When it comes to world of business, there are many people who believe that selling your soul is a small price when it comes to wealth and fortune. There are examples of this every day on the news and it was a common practice during Boaz’s time. This made Boaz stand out even more as a successful businessman who owned many fields, had many workers and slaves and had the means for much more.

• He cared about his workers—“The Lord be with you” (Ruth 2:4).
• He was astute (knew who worked for him and knew the comings and goings)—“Whose young woman is that?” (Ruth 2:5).
• He was honest and fair—“For no one has the right to do it except you, and I am next in line” (Ruth 4:2-5).
• He was wealthy—“I have bought from Naomi all the property of Elimelech, Kilion and Mahlon” (Ruth 4:9).
• He was well respected—the kinsman-redeemer and elders were willing to listen to Boaz and blessed him (Ruth 4:1-2, 11-13).

Life’s greatest joys are not what one does apart from the work of one’s life, but with the work of one’s life — William J Bennett

How to Be a Man in a Relationship

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving — Author Unknown

This period of time was marked by immorality and irresponsibility. Boaz was a successful, single older man, and was probably pursued and could have married (or taken advantage of) anyone he wanted to, but he didn’t. A younger, widowed woman in an unfamiliar place comes along and catches his eye, but throughout their interaction, he treats her honorably.

• He respected her—“My daughter . . .” (which was a proper greeting based upon the difference in their ages) (Ruth 2:8).
• He ensured her safety—“I have told the men not to touch you” (Ruth 2:9).
• He cared for Ruth and Naomi—“He gave me these six measures of barley, saying, Don’t go back to your mother-in-law empty-handed” (Ruth 3:17).
• He acted responsibly with her—he did not send her home in the middle of the night, “Stay here for the night”; he protected the rights of the nearest kinsman-redeemer, “ . . . if he wants to redeem, good; let him redeem.”; he protected her reputation, “Don’t let it be known that a woman came to the threshing floor” (Ruth 3:13-14).
• He would not touch her unless Ruth was rightfully his to do so—“ . . .there is a kinsman-redeemer nearer than I" (who has the right to her); He promised he would care for her if given the opportunity—“…if he is not willing, as surely as the Lord lives I will do it” (Ruth 3:13); “So Boaz took Ruth as she became his wife” (Ruth 4:13).

Men are given so many confusing messages these days by society, by the media, by peers and by women themselves. Everywhere we look, we are told how we should be, what we should look like or wear and how we should act. Men are being bounced between macho-ism and metro-sexual-ism. And the only place that we can go to establish a foundation of “how to be a man” is the Word of God.

My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words.
Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart;
for they are life to those who find them and health to a man’s whole body.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.
Do no swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

(Proverbs 4:20-27)

Oh I say the measure of a man
Is not how tall you stand
How wealthy or intelligent you are
'Cause I found out the measure of a man
God knows and understand
For He looks inside to the bottom of your heart
And what's in the heart defines
The measure of a man

4HIM – “Measure of a Man”

The Truth about Love

David and Teresa Ferguson found that the heart of a marriage lies in the heart of the gospel
By Caryn D. Rivadeneira

When at age 16 David Ferguson and Teresa Carpenter decided they wanted to get married, they gave their parents an ultimatum: "Sign the consent form or we'll elope to Kansas." Their parents signed the form.

The morning after their wedding, one of David's buddies knocked on their motel room door; he wanted David to shoot some pool. So the newly married teenager left his sleeping bride without any clue as to where he went. Teresa woke up alone and walked to her parents' house, crying.

In his book The Great Commandment Principle (Tyndale), David writes, "Somehow Teresa and I survived that rocky beginning. But I had communicated through my behavior that she was not the only thing in my life—and not even the most important thing. Without the tools to deal with such deep insensitivity and selfishness on my part, Teresa buried her pain, and we simply carried on with life."

The chasm between them deepened as David first went off to college, then entered the ministry. Teresa dedicated herself to their children, and they both took care of everyone's needs but each other's. One night after years of increasing emotional distance, David asked Teresa if she loved him. Teresa said only that she felt "numb."

Though her response stunned David, it wasn't until he preached a sermon on Jesus' suffering and aloneness that he discovered what was missing in their marriage: Great Commandment Love. He describes it as "the application of the command to love the Lord with all of our heart and then to love our neighbors, beginning with our spouse. This is the critical component to experiencing the blessing of marriage as God intended." For the past 15 years, the Fergusons have worked through Intimate Life Ministries to help other couples avoid the trap of loneliness in their marriages.

How does Great Commandment Love improve marriages?

Teresa: I call it "in spite of" love. It means reaching out to your mate in spite of the hurt and anger you may feel and not letting that hinder your love. It's a good picture of God's unconditional love. He continues to reach out to us in spite of our actions.

That type of love doesn't come easily. How can couples be that selfless?

David: It involves the regular discipline of experiencing Romans 12:15: "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." So we might stop daily—at breakfast or when lying in bed at night—to reflect on something positive that happened that day. And then rejoice together about it.

And we ask each other if there's been a disappointment or something hurtful that day. If so, we connect by "mourning" those experiences together. That's what the Bible means by "it is not good for the man to be alone" (Gen. 2:18). We don't need to rejoice alone, and we don't need to mourn or hurt alone.

Why is Great Commandment Love so essential to experiencing marriage as God designed it?

David: 1 John 4:19 tells us we can love others because we have first been loved by God. He loves us through his initiative—he took the first steps. So I learn to take the initiative with Teresa—whether it's thinking of what might be on her heart or just thinking of her.
So we can't just sit around waiting for good things to happen in our marriage. We have to take the initiative to get things started.

Teresa: And one thing that makes that difficult is that sometimes we aren't well equipped to give what our spouse needs. For example, I grew up in a family of six kids, and my parents loved us, but they weren't able to demonstrate it. So when we got married, I didn't know how to show or tell David how much I loved him. He'd say, "Teresa, I love you." And I'd say, "I love you too." But what David wanted to hear was me initiating the "I love you, David."

What if we work overtime at initiating love and our spouses don't respond?

Teresa: Great Commandment Love is contagious. As David freely gave to me even when I wasn't responding in the way he desired, it motivated me. He was loving me whether he received anything in return or not.

When people tell me they don't feel loved by their spouses, I tell them to put love into the relationship. Whatever you need, give that very thing to your mate, and then continue to give it. Pretty soon you'll be content with your giving as God works to remind the other person what you gave.

David: During the first ten or twelve years of our marriage, our priorities with each other were really out of place. But once I began to prioritize Teresa in my time and my attention, God began to give back freely through Teresa by making me more of a priority in her life.

What if a spouse's heart has become numb, as Teresa's was, from years of neglect?

David: It used to be that when I'd find Teresa frustrated or upset about something, I'd say things like, "What's wrong with you now?" That didn't help, of course. Then I went through a period where I'd give her reasons why the frustrating thing might've happened. I was shocked when she told me it actually did not help for me to give her advice when she was upset.

Some days later God prompted me, when I came home to find her irritated about something, to say, "I can really see that you're hurting, and I want you to know that I care." I saw the immediate softening in her face, in her heart. And that brought us together.

Teresa: A hard heart is the result of no one caring, or feeling like no one cares. So whenever someone comes in with tenderness and care, it softens us.

Are you saying that identifying with a spouse's hurt can make him or her more loving?

David: Well it certainly takes away the person's aloneness. Adam actually had a full relationship with God at the time our Creator said aloneness was not good (Gen. 2:18). For years I believed that all I needed was God. I didn't acknowledge that I also needed Teresa.

But God addressed Adam's aloneness by supplying Eve. God intends marriage to be a relationship through which he removes a measure of our aloneness. And that begins to define a successful husband. It has nothing to do with trips we take or gifts we buy. A successful husband wonders, "Is my wife less alone this year than she has ever been?"

'A hard heart is the result of feeling like no one cares. So whenever someone comes in with tenderness and care, it softens us.' -Teresa Ferguson

What are the negative consequences of a spouse feeling alone?

David: There's nothing good that comes out of aloneness. We find ourselves vulnerable to temptation and compromise. We're more likely to escape into sometimes good things like ministry or computers or entertainment, or even in destructive things like addictions.

Teresa: One of the consequences for me was false guilt. I felt guilty over needing David when he was out doing "the Lord's work." But the guilt was false because my need for him was valid.

David: Not long ago, Teresa and I were helping a couple work through the pain of infidelity. The husband had been busy, off doing his thing, and the wife looked after the children. Their two sons were stars on the soccer team, and the mom would rejoice on the sidelines over their success. The next school term a new student joined the team, and his single dad also rejoiced along the sidelines. It wasn't long until this wife was rejoicing together with the single dad. And you see where the pain of her aloneness took her.

When we feel alone, how can we reach out to our spouses?

Teresa: One time David came in after working late, and I was feeling alone. Normally I'd complain, "Why are you always late? Why can't you come home on time?" Of course, that never helped either one of us get in touch with my real needs.

So when David and I were lying in bed that night, I reached over, touched him and said, "Sweetheart, I see how busy you've been and all the neat things you're doing. I'm proud of you. And yet I'm feeling alone. Is there something we can look forward to doing together this week?"
David responded well and my need was met. Too much of the time we attack the person and the behavior instead of getting in touch with "What is it I'm really feeling and needing?"

Intimacy is a problem partly because it's difficult to know how to meet our mate's needs. When we feel distant, how can we move closer together?

David: One way is to understand one another well enough that you know some of your partner's key needs, and to realize that those needs often are different from yours. The Bible says husbands should live with their wives in an understanding way (1 Pet. 3:7). A part of my understanding Teresa is realizing she has high needs for security, attention and acceptance. For instance, when we travel she needs to feel secure that there's enough time to get to the airport and find a parking place and that there will be enough luggage room in the airplane. When those needs are met, she's relaxed and fulfilled. There's a closeness between us. I can help meet her needs when I know her well.

Teresa: Early in our marriage, we were trying to work through this dilemma of how to come closer when we felt distant. My pattern would be to put my walls of protection up whenever I was hurt. Not share my needs.

But one day I told David, "You know, whenever I'm pushing you away the most, don't let me. That's when I need you to be the most aggressive and come toward me." I was asking him in the midst of my rejecting him to pursue me. That's a pretty tall order. But it's a great picture of how God entered into our world even when we didn't know that we needed him.

In a close relationship like marriage, it's easy to be hurt again and again and to start holding a grudge. How does forgiveness figure into intimacy?

Teresa: When you're harboring unforgiveness, love can't flow the way it needs to. An example is when David asked me if I loved him and I told him I was numb. This was largely the result of my being hurt, not forgiving him and then holding the hurt inside. That is a great barrier to intimacy.

David: Think about Ephesians 4:32, which says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." When forgiveness isn't there, then kindness, tenderheartedness and compassion are stifled. Anger and resentment and bitterness accumulate when unforgiveness hinders us from being kind, tenderhearted and compassionate.
If you've got hurt bottled up inside, if you're feeling distant from one another, if little things lead to big fights, then start working on forgiveness. That's what opens the door to giving each other the love you've both been wanting.

When Your Loved One Doesn't Love God

It's possible to be 'unequally yoked' yet still stay close—while you wait

By Nancy Kennedy

With every new year, Lisa hopes, "Maybe this is the year my husband will become a Christian." Meanwhile, she sits with her kids in church trying not to feel resentful as she watches other families—husband, wife and 2.3 children—filling the pews around her.

"I have to fight the lump in my throat," she says. "My mind races: I'm angry and worried and scared all at the same time. I try not to think about it, but what if he dies tonight? I get so tired of praying and waiting. And I'm tired of the tension at home, especially on Sunday mornings. I know it's wrong, but as I sit and count the couples, I can't help thinking, 'Why doesn't God do something!'"

In the past 20 years, I've often asked that question. The answer, of course, is that God is doing something—and he's keeping and sustaining me within my "unequal yoke."

That term comes from 2 Corinthians 6:14, where Paul admonishes Christians not to pair themselves with a "different kind." Unless a yoked team of oxen moves at the same pace and travels in the same direction, the yoke chokes one and pinches the other. The marriage of a believer to an unbeliever often hinders the believer's life with God and can cause both partners pain and discomfort.

Barry and I were unbelievers when we married, and back then a relationship with God was the last thing on our minds. Three years went by filled with partying, softball and the birth of our first daughter. Then I prayed a simple prayer that changed my life forever.

Unfortunately for Barry, I was an obnoxious "Jesus freak" right from the start. I didn't "share" my faith; I pushed and shoved. I wrote the handbook on how not to win your spouse to Christ. I trumpeted my every minute change: "See how loving and humble I am?" I prayed loudly in Barry's presence and made sure he knew he was a sinner destined for hell. I gave him every gospel tract I could find and added a Bible verse at the end of my notes to him.

Not surprisingly, we were soon at odds. I blamed our problems on his unholiness and his ungodly friends; he said I was a lunatic. One minute I'd be blasting Christian music and scattering opened Bibles around the house, the next I'd be crying and pleading with him to go to church with me.

When he wouldn't go, I'd sulk and make him sorry. He was sorry all right—sorry he married me. I wanted a Christian husband (preferably him); he wanted his old wife back, Jesus-free.

Then I read a book on prayer that challenged my whole approach. I decided, "That's it! I'll pray for Barry for the next 80 years, if that's what it takes. And I'm going to love him. Period." That was 19 years ago, and I'm still praying, but I'm no longer pining away in self-absorbed isolation waiting for his salvation to bring us fulfillment. I've decided that if it takes 80 years, then I want those years to be enjoyable for both of us—despite our spiritual differences.

God Doesn't Make Mistakes

When I came to faith in Christ and Barry didn't, I thought God had made a huge mistake. Two serving the Lord made much more sense. But I knew God never makes mistakes.

I came to realize that God "purposely positioned" me in my unequal yoke, to borrow from Jo Berry, author of Beloved Unbeliever (Zondervan). As an unbeliever, I hadn't married in disobedience. As I realized that God was the designer of my marriage, I relaxed my spiritual choke-hold on Barry.

Author and speaker Jeanne Hendricks pointed out to me that unbelieving spouses are actually in a privileged position, set apart in God's eyes because of their union with believers (1 Cor. 7:14). They share our blessings because God sees a couple as one flesh. She believes Christian spouses should see their role as a ministry given by God. Her thinking changes the whole tone of the relationship from burden to blessing.

Knowing it's an honor to be married to Barry doesn't take away the ache of not being able to share the most important part of my life with him. But it helps to remember that loneliness also happens between Christian spouses—whenever individuals seek ultimate fulfillment in each other, instead of in God.

For me, knowing that the Lord is my Husband (Isa. 54:5) takes away the sting of being alone. He can fill the needs that Barry can't. It's when I stop relying on God and start isolating myself at home, doing "spiritual" things while Barry does something "worldly" like watch a ball game, that I feed my loneliness and create division. It helps to reason that even if my husband were the most committed Christian, he still wouldn't meet all of my deepest needs.
A House Undivided

"Sometimes the sight of him just makes me want to scream!" confided a friend recently. "When I see empty beer cans on the sink and he's watching trashy TV shows, I can't help thinking of him as the enemy."

Another friend said, "I worry about my kids. If Daddy doesn't go to church, will they grow up thinking they don't have to? Every once in a while, my husband will plan something fun on a Sunday, like a trip to the arcade, and say, 'Okay, who wants to go to church with Mom and who wants to race go-karts with Dad?'"

"Expect your spouse to be unreasonable about spiritual things," writes Jo Berry. "[Your] godliness is threatening, convicting and confusing." But that doesn't make an unbeliever the enemy. In the chronicle of her own marriage, Bebe Nicholson warns that such an attitude will sabotage your relationship and ruin even the best efforts to be effective examples of Christ's love (When a Believer Marries a Nonbeliever [Priority Publishing]). Self-pity, Nicholson writes, projects the attitude, "I could've done better in the marriage department" and is a refusal to accept God's sovereignty in all matters. Self-righteousness not only hinders compassion but, if left unchecked, easily turns to contempt and hatred.

Ethics and the Unequal Yoke

Say your unbelieving spouse asks you to cheat on your income tax, uses foul language, tells off-color jokes or belittles your faith in front of the children. What do you do? Gary Oliver, executive director of the Center for Marriage and Family Studies at John Brown University, gives this advice:

1. Avoid knee-jerk reactions. Think and pray things through. Consider past confrontations: what worked then? Don't confront at the moment, especially in public, and never attack.
2. Communicate as an individual. Say, "This is the conviction I have." That allows you to state your beliefs without forcing your faith or "being weird for Jesus."
3. Don't make a big deal of it. Especially with off-color jokes or conversation topics, just say, "I'd prefer not to hear it." Offer a joke of your own. For men, especially, humor is a way of showing affection.
4. Be flexible. Tolerate things that may be distasteful, as long as it doesn't cause you to sin.
5. Appeal to your spouse's sense of fair play. When it comes to issues involving the children, approach your mate on the basis of what's fair. Most unbelieving spouses are eventually fair when it comes to their kids.
6. Pray, pray, pray.

Jo Berry points out, "You and your spouse are both sinners. The only difference is one of you is saved and the other one is not. But that doesn't make the unsaved any less of a person or less deserving of dignity and respect." On the contrary. Believers are called to have the same attitude Christ had when he humbled himself and lived among sinners, considering others better than ourselves (Phil. 2:3-4).

Created to Love

"I felt helpless," said my friend Ron, talking about the time before his wife, Kerri, became a Christian. "I couldn't transform her heart." No matter how hard we try, we can't coerce, sweet-talk or plead our spouse into a relationship with God. No one comes to Christ unless the Father draws him (John 6:44). To me, that's good news. I can focus on my responsibility: to love Barry.

"God created us to be lovers," writes Nicholson. "The more we love God, the more open our hearts are to loving each other. … The strength of our love for our partner can draw [him] toward Christ and bring glory to God." Until that happens, there are some practical things believers can do to help bridge the spiritual gap and help themselves stay spiritually strong.

Live in the now

Accept your relationship for what it is and concentrate on cultivating peace and happiness. Instead of striving to alter your circumstances, set your mind on enjoying your life. Find what's good now and build on it.

Live your faith with integrity

Let your spouse see that genuine Christianity isn't blind allegiance to a set of rigid standards, but a process of growth and change. Ron said Kerri had seen him fail to make good on promised changes before he became a Christian. But when she saw he wasn't going back to his old ways, she became interested.

Let your actions speak

The loudest form of evangelism is a life that's changed. Gary Oliver, executive director of the Center for Marriage and Family Studies at John Brown University, counsels believers to show Christ in the little things, like taking out the trash and vacuuming. Ed, a man at the local gym who's now a believer, told me his wife was always kind when he was harsh with her, and that drove him crazy. "Joanne wouldn't say a word, but I knew it was Jesus that kept her from blowing up at me."

Honor your marriage

"I let my husband know I'm glad I'm married to him," said Margaret, "and I never talk about him without him knowing about it first." At Bible study, Julie told me she honors her unequal-yoke marriage by not filling her calendar with church events. She and the kids go to Sunday morning services, and she attends Bible study and events like MOPS during the week. But when her husband is home, he's her priority.

Jeanne Hendricks adds, "It might not be easy, but it speaks volumes when you let your spouse know, 'I like you as a person.' When wives honor their husbands by making them feel appreciated and good about themselves just as they are, it often softens their hearts to the things of God."

Find common ground and have fun together

My friend Jodi makes a list of things she and her husband enjoy: swimming, watching Star Trek movies, vintage cars and sex.

Stay affectionate

Gary Oliver says both sexual and nonsexual touch are important and cautions (women especially) against shutting down physically. "Although it's difficult for women to remain open physically when they feel they can't share the most important part of who they are, men especially need touch. Sexual touch reaches him at his core. When a wife enjoys her husband, he feels loved, valued and appreciated."

Pray hard

Prayer is our link to God's presence, power, wisdom and comfort. You might pray for conviction of sin and godly sorrow that leads to repentance (2 Cor. 7:10); that God will take a spouse's heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh (Ezek. 36:26); wisdom, courage, discernment and opportunities to speak.
Cultivate your relationship with Christ

It's crucial to maintain Christian fellowship, Bible reading and prayer. If you can, join a small group and have them pray with you for your unsaved mate.
Don't give up hope

God knows what he's doing, and he knows those who are his (2 Tim. 2:19). Trust that he will do what's best for you and your spouse. We have this hope: "God is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance" (2 Pet. 3:9). That means there's hope for your spouse—and hope for mine.



Resources

• Beloved Unbeliever, by Jo Berry (Zondervan). The classic Christian book on this subject—designed for personal use or use in a support group.
• Lord, I Wish My Husband Would Pray with Me, by Larry Keefauver (Creation House). A book for couples who are spiritually mismatched—even if both are actually believers.
• When a Believer Marries a Nonbeliever, by Bebe Nicholson (Priority). An encouraging personal story—with a happy ending.
• Nancy Kennedy is the author of several books, including Honey, They're Playing Our Song (Multnomah). She and Barry live in Inverness, Florida.

How to Attract the Right Mate

By Cortni Marrazzo

When it’s springtime, that means it’s mating season for many birds in our neighborhood. I’ve seen bird couples who’ve found their mates and more prominently, I’ve heard the calls of birds who haven’t yet found their mates.

The most noticeable mating call I hear is that of a quail. When quail call to find mates, they find the highest possible point. They park themselves there, and they call out loudly in some sort of pattern every minute or two; they are quite persistent and very noticeable. Even though their calls can be heard for quite some distance, they only attract others of their kind because other quail recognize the calls.

This got me to thinking about the “mating calls” many single Christians give out when trying to attract their mates. Now obviously people don’t literally perch themselves on a high point and “call” out to find mates, but each person does have a unique mating call that will determine what kind of person he/she will attract.

People in the world attract the people they do by default or they try to change who they attract by trial and error. But God gives Christian singles specific guidance in His Word on how to be a person who attracts the right mate.

Finding Your Perch

Like I mentioned, the quail that I’ve observed like to perch on a high spot so they can be seen by potential mates. We can take guidance from that by paying attention to where we congregate and spend our time. A quail has more of a chance of finding a mate if he is up high where he can see more. A single Christian has more of a chance to find a godly mate if he/she hangs around church and other Christian events, rather than at bars or worldly parties. The environment you choose to be around says a lot about you as a person, and it will also say a lot about the others who are there as well.

The key here is that you want to be around church and godly people because you enjoy it. If your main reason to attend church is to attract a mate, then you are faking yourself out and will most likely fake others out, too. But if you enjoy serving at church and you meet someone else who does too, then you are more likely to be compatible right off the bat.

I’ve heard many single people say (and I’ve even said it too) “there are no good available men (or women) in my church.” But if you are serving at church because you enjoy it, then it doesn’t matter. When I was single, I served at church all the time because I loved it. Now that I’m married, my husband and I serve at church all the time together because it’s a passion that we share.

Staying in Your Spot

There is a relentless quail in my neighborhood that parks himself on my neighbors’ two story roof and will stay there and call for his mate for hours. It gets kind of annoying after a while, but I have to admire his persistence—he found his spot and he’s not moving.

If many single Christians would just find a spot and stay there, they might have more a chance of developing the kind of relationship that could deepen into love. Instead, I’ve seen so many young Christian singles hopping from church to church hoping that the right cute guy or girl is at this other church since they can’t find one where they already are. This leads to people being uprooted and having shallow roots wherever they go.

The Bible says that those who are planted in the house of the Lord shall flourish (Psalm 92:13). If you’re not planted and dedicated and committed to your church, then you won’t be able to flourish due to your shallow roots. God will bring your mate to you, you don’t have to go out and find him/her yourself.

Developing Your Call

The most important part is your call—what you are communicating to others through your life. Are you a person of integrity and honesty who other Christians can recognize and relate to? People tend to gravitate toward others who are similar to them in values and actions, just like a quail is attracted to another quail with the same call. Do your actions invite the right people to be around you or do you seem to always find yourself around those who are always in trouble or who are messing things up?

So how do you know if you are a godly type of person? First of all, read the chapter about love in 1 Corinthians 13. This chapter lists many qualities of a godly person: patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, and the list goes on. Once you finish with that chapter (we all have things to work on from that chapter), I would encourage you to read Proverbs and note each verse that starts with “A good man. …” Proverbs is full of ways you can be a good man (the same things apply to women).

In the end, God is the one that brings the right person to us at the right time, but you can help make sure the right one is attracted to you by being the kind of person God wants you to be. You will most likely be a turn off to ungodly single people around you, which is OK because you don’t want to be in a marriage relationship with them anyhow.

There were many guys who weren’t attracted to me when I was single because of my love for God and commitment to His ways and to His church, but that helped keep me focused on serving God more. And when my husband came along, it was those very things that attracted him to me.

Until the time that God brings you your mate, developing these characteristics will attract godly friendships to you and those are extreme blessings in themselves. Plus, you never know what might happen. I ended up marrying my husband because he was my friend’s brother-in-law. So be open to all the possibilities God may open up for you, as you strive to be a person who attracts the right mate.

The Cure for a Broken Heart

By Kathleen Hardaway

Less than a year ago my mother was diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation. During these challenging months of several trips to the hospital and many doctors' visits, Mom has learned how important it is to daily check her heart. She daily monitors her blood pressure and her heart rhythm often several times throughout the day. It's critical that she know the condition of her heart.

How's your heart? Have you checked it lately? Unfortunately, far too many of us are on a fast track of simply living life, and our hearts are in far worse condition than we may realize.

Could it be bitterness or possibly just boredom? It's amazing how many different feelings come straight from the heart. The most difficult heart condition to overcome is—a broken one.

A broken heart can come in many different forms, and can be caused by a wide variety of reasons. The one that hurts the worst comes from broken relationships. Has anyone ever said to you, "I don't love you anymore"? These can be the most painful words ever spoken. Deep, hurtful words that pierce the heart.

A broken heart is one of the most common heart conditions you can experience. And, if not healed properly, in time, it can kill you. Maybe not a physical death, but a slow death to a life that desperately needs healing—healing to your soul. Are you desperate for healing in the deepest places of your heart? A wound to the heart can cause great anger and bitterness. This heart condition, not healed properly, will eat away at the core of who you are.

A broken heart can cripple you if you're not careful. I would almost choose a broken arm or broken leg, over a broken heart. Wouldn't you? In time you know they will heal. You're not sure about your heart.

Have you been lied to, stepped on, mistreated, and you feel used from a past relationship? You wonder why you should get out of bed. The world can just go on without you. Oh, how I understand. There have been times in my life that my heart hurt so badly I didn't think I could breathe. I have cried what seem like buckets of tears and wondered where God was in it all.

I have had to face days with gut-wrenching thoughts of "Why go on?" When I felt like I hit a brick wall with nowhere to go, it always came down to one thing, my faith. Did I believe God was in control of my life or not? People may disappoint us. A boyfriend, a husband, a fiancée, a friend, a child, a parent, a boss, all can in some way—break our hearts.

I would not suggest there are three or five or even seven easy steps to mend a broken heart, because the healing process takes time. Everyone heals differently, and each hurt is different. But, I will give you a few suggestions to help begin your healing process.

First, cry out to God. No person or thing can replace God's healing. Often many so want the pain to go away that they run to food, drugs, alcohol, and the television. Anything to escape the enormous hurt that they're experiencing. Cling to his Word. It's not a feeling at this point that will go away; it's a strong commitment to believe daily that God has a plan no matter how bad your situation looks today.

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans for welfare and not calamity, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11). I have read these verses in almost every phase of my life. During the good, the bad, and the ugly times in my life. His Word always encourages me, no matter how I feel. The pain doesn't go away at that point, but there's hope through his Word that in time it will.

"If you seek Me, you will truly find Me when you seek me with all your heart and soul" (Deuteronomy 4:29). Don't stop running to him and his Word. The enemy wants nothing more than to keep you discouraged, keep you miserable, keep you from believing God has a better plan for your life than what you're now experiencing. "Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7). He desires that you go to him, not run to the solutions the world gives. Tell him exactly how you feel.

Second, it's okay to cry. You may be trying to stay strong for your kids, at work, or with certain family members. But, at some point maybe you need a really good cry. You may be thinking you have cried more than I can imagine. If at some point you cannot get past crying, you may need to talk to a godly friend. A friend who will listen, but more importantly one who will pray for you and encourage you.

In my book, I Kissed a Lot of Frogs, but the Prince Hasn't Come, I go into great detail about a time in my life when I had experienced a broken heart, and how godly friends made such a huge difference during this time in my life. Godly friendships are critical to walking through any kind of trials.

If you cannot seem to move on, you may consider godly counsel. Today many churches have a counselor on staff. Be sure and check references for counselors.

It's going to take one breath at a time, one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month to begin to heal, to have joy again. When nothing in this life looks good—God has not left you. There have been times in my life that I have had a choice to make, will I still have faith in this storm? Will I still have faith, when my heart is bleeding from the pain? Will I still have faith, when all looks dark, lonely, miserable, and hopeless. Will I still have faith? Will I believe the truths form God's Word or not? It's a daily choice.

Will I have faith enough to believe God for one more day, one more day to at least thank him that I can get out of bed? To thank Him that I still have a roof over my head? To thank Him that I still have food on the table and to say a blessing of thanksgiving that He still loves me when I may feel like no one else does?

My friend, the world will encourage you to quickly replace this broken heart with someone else or something else. It will not work. Maybe for a while, maybe for a season. But God says, "For the joy of the Lord is your strength." Oh, these may sound like such pat answers. I understand … when I'm hurting, I have wanted to have my pity parties, my self-indulging times, and self-pity songs like "It's my party, and I will cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry too, if it happened to you."

God's Word truly is the healing for your heart and soul. It's all you can trust in, in this world of often make believe. When nothing in this life looks good, God reminds us, this life is not our home. I can get frustrated about that sometimes. Can't you? It's like at times things can be so close to good. If I can just fix this one thing, this person, this job then I can be happy. It's easy to live this way … but when one of the spinning plates (the things in life) come down, the joy can be gone. Smashed! And once again, you may stand there with another broken heart.

Lastly, worship the Lord in song. Get your favorite CDs or your iPod and listen to uplifting encouraging Christian music. There are times when nothing else will encourage me like soothing praise music. Pray the songs …. sing the songs … and worship him in song.

You will have joy again. You will laugh again. You will delight yourself in him again, and if you do, guess what—he promises to give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4). No more broken heart, but a joyous, truly happy, healthy heart. There's nothing better!

Trusting God's Timing

By Greg Laurie, Harvest Ministries

Can you think of a time in your life when you acted impulsively and came to regret it? Maybe you bought a car on impulse and were sorry afterward. Maybe it was that contract you signed without reading it carefully. Maybe it was that business deal you entered into that you should have taken more time to consider. Whatever the decision may have been, you regretted it later.

I have discovered that God's timing is just as important as God's will. In fact, the Bible talks a lot about timing. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven" (NKJV).

The Bible talks about a man of God who had really bad timing. If this man were in a race, he would have been the one to come out of nowhere, take the lead, and then suddenly self-destruct. The man I'm speaking of is Moses.

Although Moses was one of the greatest men of God, he also was a man who had some serious setbacks and committed serious sin. It is worth noting that, along with Saul of Tarsus, Moses is one of the men God used who actually was guilty of murder.

Moses was a bit on the impulsive side. I can understand that, because I share that characteristic with him. I can be impulsive. But being impulsive has its drawbacks, and Moses' impulsiveness brought some devastating results.

Moses was born at a time of extreme hardship in Israel's history. The descendents of Jacob had grown to about three million in Egypt and had been forced into slavery. Pharaoh, seeing the Hebrews as a potential threat, decreed that newborn Hebrew boys were to be drowned in the Nile River.

As the children of Israel cried out to God for deliverance, enter Moses, the man of God. First, he was the baby protected by God and adopted by Pharaoh's daughter. The Jewish historian, Josephus, tells us that this Pharaoh had no son or heir; therefore, Moses was being groomed to become the next Pharaoh of Egypt. He was being raised as royalty, which meant that he would have been schooled in all that Egypt had to offer.

But Moses still knew who he was. He was a true believer in the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Underneath those Egyptian robes beat the heart of a Hebrew.

Maybe that's what caused him to swing into action when he saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew. The Bible says he looked "this way and that way," and then killed the Egyptian (see Exodus 2:12).

Moses' heart was in the right place, but his actions were foolish, to say the least. Clearly, the Lord had not told Moses to do this. Instead of looking around, Moses should have been looking up.

Moses probably thought that his fellow Hebrews would be grateful for what he had done, but things didn't turn out that way. Everyone knew what he did, but no one applauded. When Pharaoh heard what had happened, Moses had to flee for his life. Off he went, into the wilderness.

God wants us to do His will in His way in His timing.

Moses was a leader in training, but he wasn't ready yet. He had lost his people. He had lost his reputation. But he had not lost God. What looked like the end was actually the beginning.

Forty years later, God appointed Moses to lead the children of Israel out of Egypt. What Moses did not realize was that God had been preparing him during that time. Notice what God said to him: "I am the God of your father-the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob" (Exodus 3:6 NKJV).

What was God saying? I am the God of ordinary men who have accomplished some extraordinary things. There is hope for you. I am not just the God of Abraham. I am not just the God of Isaac and Jacob. I am the God of Moses. I am calling you. I am giving you a second chance.

God still uses ordinary people today. Even people who have made mistakes. Even people who have sinned.

Maybe you are in a situation right now in which you can identify with Moses. Can I make a suggestion? Confess your sins to God. Deal with them and learn from your mistakes. And know this: God can still use you. He gives second chances. Maybe you need one today.

When God Steps in as "Husband"

By Cindi McMenamin, Author of When Women Walk Alone

Deb learned the hard way that having a husband was not the key to happiness.

Six years into her marriage, Deb's husband recovered from an accident that nearly killed him. Then he decided it was time to live his life to the fullest. With no regard for his family, he quit his job, no longer provided for Deb and her children and stayed out nightly ‘til 3:00 a.m. with no explanation of his whereabouts. Not knowing where to turn, Deb escaped the turmoil by divorcing him.

Deb then married a second husband who seemed compassionate about all she had been through in her first marriage. But five years into her second marriage, her husband became abusive toward her children and ended up having a three-year affair with another woman. When Deb discovered the affair, she left the marriage and swore off men, wanting nothing to do with another marriage or relationship.

It was then that God began to show Deb the kind of husband He could be toward her: her Provider, her Protector, her Counselor, her Friend.

In Isaiah 54:5-6, she read:

"For your Maker is your husband—the LORD Almighty is his name….The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God.

As Deb began to grow in her relationship with God, she began to see the many ways He could husband her and she realized she didn't need to keep looking for a man to marry. She had all she needed in God.

"I told God I didn't need a man as long as I had Him!" Deb told me, as she recalled her story.

That was when God unexpectedly brought Dave into Deb's life. Dave was committed to God and was able to show Deb what a godly marriage looked like. Together, Dave and Deb now serve God through various ministries at their church. But Deb is convinced she had to first look to God to be her husband, before she could recognize a godly man.

As she began to understand God's love for her, she was better able to recognize unconditional love in a man. As she saw who she was in God's eyes, she saw how she deserved to be treated by a man. God won't necessarily bring a man into your life just because you put Him first, as He did for Deb. But God will fill that hole in your heart with a sense of fulfillment only He can provide.

I, too, had to learn the hard way that the Lord is my husband. Unlike Deb originally did, I married a man who was everything I had hoped and prayed for. But even being married to a pastor, I quickly learned that my husband was not perfect in the ways God is. My earthly husband could not be God in my life and meet all of my emotional needs. God had to be my "Husband." And while my earthly husband does what he can to love me in the way God has called him to, only the Lord Jesus, the Lover of my Soul, can love me in a way that completes me and will never disappoint me.

For instance, I still, at times, look to my husband to truly know me and understand me as no one else does. But even after twenty-one years of marriage, he still can't understand my thoughts, predict my actions, and know exactly what to say when I'm feeling a certain way. That is still a task that is beyond him in his humanity. Yet, in Psalm 139:2, the Psalmist describes God by saying "You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar." God actually knows my thoughts before I think them, my words before I say them, and my actions before I carry them out. On days I feel misunderstood and wish my husband understood me better, I can go to God and know He completely understands the intentions of my mind and heart.

There have also been times I have wanted my husband to affirm me and give me a sense of purpose. Yet, again, in his humanity, he can never say and do enough to communicate affirmation to the depths of my soul. But God, the Maker of my soul, says in His Word that "we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (Ephesians 2:10). His Word says "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) and that He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, "plans to give(me) hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).

Yes, those verses may just sound like words at first. But when you get to know intimately the One who said those words, they become words more personal and precious than you can imagine.

Are you still waiting for a godly man to come into your life? If so, let God be the Man. He wants to be the One to husband you. He wants to be the One that you depend on and look to first to be your Provider, Protector, Comforter and Friend. He is, after all, the Only One on this earth who is truly able to say "I will never leave you" (Hebrews 13:5). He is the Only One who is able to say to you "I have loved you with an everlasting love…" (Jeremiah 31:3) and He is the Only One who was able to go to the grave and back to get you for His own (Romans 5:8).

Trust the One who knows your whole history when it comes to relationships—the loves you've longed for, and those you've lost. And realize that the God of this universe—who knows all about your flaws and your failures, your worries and your weaknesses—still chooses to love you and call you His bride.

My Single Identity Baggage

by Suzanne Hadley

Last month I turned 30.

This wasn't a painful milestone for me. The Lord has richly blessed my 20s. His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness is deeper than I could have imagined at 21.

An old friend called me on my birthday to wish me a happy one. Though we no longer share the same biblical worldview, he and I are at a similar spot in life — early 30s, unmarried. We used to attend the same youth group, and one time we almost went golfing on a date. (My parents decided against it at the last moment.)

As my friend and I talked and reminisced our conversation fell to our single plight (deep down we all want things like marriage and family). "It used to be really simple," my friend said with a laugh. By "it" he meant establishing a romantic relationship. (He was engaged his senior year of college, but it fell through.)

"Now I've lost confidence in my ability to choose," he said. "I know how I am. I know all these things about myself, and I know what won't work for me. I almost know too much about myself."

I knew exactly what he meant. In the eight years since college, I've accumulated more than a house full of photographs, furniture and dishes that aren't plastic — I've developed a fairly complex identity. And honestly, finding someone who's a fit seems like a much more difficult task than it used to.

How Do You Like My Stuff?

My sisters and I were recently touring New York City to celebrate my birthday. My sister Sarah, who my college friends used to call "Mini-Me" (because she shares my blond hair and facial expressions), is extremely talented. While she's humble about her successes, I see in her (as in myself) a tendency to lean on the achievements that define her.

While I was pondering this, an image suddenly filled my mind. I pictured myself stepping up to meet a potential mate. Only I'm not alone. Behind me is a mountain of suitcases marked, "Christian," "College Graduate," "Editor," "Improv Performer," "Sunday School Teacher," "Blogger" and a myriad of other things.

If the bags weren't there, I might simply extend a hand and say: "Hi, I'm Suzanne. I love Jesus. I tend to laugh loudly and I'm more insecure than I should be at my age."

Instead, when I meet someone, I motion to my suitcases, as if to say: "Ta-da! How do you like my stuff?" I may even peek to make sure the person standing before me has an equitable mound. And, of course, I'll analyze how that person's bags will complement my own.

This is the kind of baggage my friend was speaking of. Not only am I considering if this person could spur me on spiritually, be a good intellectual match and be someone I could enjoy being around for the rest of my life, I'm looking for the person who likes my identity and has some matching luggage.

Pink Mist and Sparkly Eyes

In case I'm losing you with this analogy, let me go back to what my friend said about how relationships used to be simple. Some of you are in college. Picture the average guy-girl conversation on a college campus.

At my college, guys and girls tended to couple up in the spring when the weather got sunny and you could lay a blanket out on the lawn to study. (We called the falling cherry blossoms "pink mist" and the mist was said to have mythical romantic powers.)

Say a guy plops down on his female friend's study blanket and they start a conversation. "What are you going to do after graduation?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know," she says. "I might teach for a year or apply for grad school or go on a short term missions trip. How about you?"

He smiles (because he likes her sparkly eyes). "Well, I'll keep working as a server to pay off my school loans, but what I'd REALLY like to do is help inner city youth."

"Really?" she says. "That sounds exciting."

Freeze. This couple has very few bags so far. They have potential suitcases, but they have no idea what will fill them. They may even dream of selecting and filling suitcases together. Sparkly eyes and enthusiasm for the future is enough to create a bond.
The Highest Bidder

I recently read an article that looked at marriage in terms of an auction. Some singles consider themselves to be strong bidders. Perhaps they are popular with peers, are commonly compared to an attractive celebrity or make a six-figure salary. Because of these perceived assets, these bidders are looking for the crème de la crème partner.

The more bags you accumulate during your single years, the more likely you are to consider yourself a strong bidder. The problem is, according to game theory, strong bidders miss out because they fail to actually bid. Weak bidders, or those with less suitcases, end up married because they bid decisively on what they want.

My intention is not to discourage eligible singles here. When I began discussing this identity baggage issue with one friend, she expressed her frustration: "Sometimes I almost feel like I have to hide my bags! Or reserve them to show only guys who won't be intimidated by them."

Hiding who you are — strengths and attributes included — is not what I'm proposing. Neither am I suggesting you burn or trash your suitcases. The real issue is how much you're depending on them, or using them, when approaching a relationship.

Acknowledge that the bags exist. A person in her 20s or 30s has had ample time for identity development. Forming a relationship after a decade of single adulthood will naturally be a little more complicated than doing the same thing in college. Studies have proven this. At the same time, a well-developed sense of identity can be an asset that helps you rule out inappropriate matches.

My friend Adam, who married in his 30s said, "The truth is, you're probably not going to end up with someone who is way beneath you in intellect, spirituality or looks. I was looking for an equal."

Because of this, hiding your light under a bushel, is unwise. At the same time, there is a difference between humbly being who you are and boasting in your accomplishments or expecting others to acknowledge them.
Realize you are not your bags. OK, so you have multiple degrees, are an award-winning violinist, look great from daily gym visits, have your dream job and lead four Bible studies. Those are facts about you, not you. Sometimes we treat our interests and accomplishments as some kind of bullet points on a marriage resume.

The problem is (as many online daters have discovered), facts are not always the most accurate predictor of a strong connection. Things like birth order, personality, natural temperament and daily routine can be much better indicators.

Don't give the bags too much weight. Before my mom met my dad, she had always dated the same kind of guy: melancholy, intellectual, driven. The baby of his family, my dad was an athletic, funny, all-American type. He didn't have the bags my mom usually went for, but he ended up being a great match for her. Through the years, his sense of humor and cheerful demeanor helped smooth over many stressful circumstances in our household.

I can be a little prideful when I look at my bags, and consider them too seriously when looking for a match. In the end, my spouse and I will probably have similarities, but he may not hold all the bags I think he should (and he may not be as impressed with some of my bags as I think he should).

What's in your luggage? The factors of my identity that should matter most to me — and a future spouse — are those that center around my relationship with Christ. I have been justified (Rom. 5:1), I have been bought with a price (1 Cor. 6:19-20), I have been redeemed (Col. 1:14), I have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16), Christ lives in me (Col. 1:27).

If there is any value in my identity baggage, it is in those things that are bearing fruit. Each of those bags is on loan from God. In a year or ten, some of them will be gone, replaced by new ones. And only the Lord knows what those will be.

For now, I hope to approach each relationship in a simple way — with an open heart and a single bag stamped: "Child of God."

Pursue Her

by Drew Dyck

Have you ever heard the fairytale about the princess in shining armor? You know the story. She crosses an ocean, slays a dragon and rescues the man she loves?

Wait. You've never heard that one?

OK, neither have I.

Why? Because fairytales are always the other way around — the man fights for the woman. He takes the risks. He battles the beast. He pursues her.

Now I realize that fairytales are stereotypical, admittedly even a little sexist. But they do contain a measure of truth. These whimsical tales we learn as children mirror a deep-seated longing in the soul of every man and woman.

This article isn't about fairytales. I bring them up only to highlight what I see as a growing problem in the church: young Christian men unable (or unwilling) to actively pursue a potential spouse. Rather than saddling up the proverbial steed, many guys seem to be languishing in the tower, waiting for their princesses to stumble upon them.

If that's you, then I have some no-nonsense advice — it's time to man-up and take the lead in the romance department. And don't hide behind the whole too-holy-for-love façade. When you meet "the one," pursuing her with all your heart is the most spiritual thing you can possibly do.

Let me explain.

Recently I was talking to a godly, attractive and single woman. She was exasperated.

"What's wrong with Christian guys?" she asked me. "They never go after you!"

She was getting plenty of attention from men outside the church, yet the guys at her congregation seemed reluctant to be much more than friends.

A few weeks earlier I had received an e-mail from a young man looking for advice. His questions echoed the problem I'd heard lamented from the other side of the gender divide. My interlocutor was plagued with, what seemed to him, insoluble questions: Should he date a woman from church? If so, how could he be sure he was going for God and not girls? And what if things didn't work out? Would he be able to go back?

Talk about over thinking it!

Those are just two anecdotes, but they reflect a larger trend. In her new book Where Have All The Good Men Gone? A.J. Kiesling reports her findings from an in-depth survey of 120 single Christian women. What was their most common complaint about men? Kiesling reports: "Over and over I heard the words, 'I wish men would step up to the plate and take a risk in asking me out.'"

Here is feedback that Kiesling she received directly from real-world single Christian women about Christian men.

"God didn't create you to be passive. Pursuit seems to be obsolete, but we still want to be pursued."

"It seems like men aren't willing to take the risk of asking a woman out, since they don't have to anymore. There are plenty of women who will chase them, yet, I won't. I want them to pursue me."

"Quit saying, 'I'm waiting on God to bring me my future mate.' What a cop-out! You're scared, and you're afraid of being hurt or rejected and — gasp! — you might be tempted to have sex!"

So why are Christian men not stepping up to the plate? What's behind this trend? I think there are at least a couple of factors.

First, our increasingly politically correct culture tells guys that women have equal responsibility when it comes to initiating the relationship. These days women are encouraged to be more aggressive while men risk appearing domineering if they get the ball rolling.

But here's the rub. While such political correctness is peddled in higher education and the media, it usually doesn't apply in the real world, where women still appreciate a man with the gumption and guts to make the first move. Kiesling writes, "The world may have moved on, become hip and high-tech and politically correct, but old-fashioned values persist in our very make-up." Part of that make-up is a desire to be pursued. There are ways that women can encourage men to initiate a relationship, but that's a topic that the highly skilled Boundless regulars have covered well.

The second factor is even more pervasive and hazardous to single Christian guys. An exaggerated sense of spiritual propriety can also prevent relationships from forming. I've met a lot of guys who seem to equate romantic passivity with spiritual superiority. In these cases the thinking goes something like this: If I wait and pray patiently, God will drop a woman right into my lap.

Such guys could use some advice from my 88-year-old grandfather. He might seem like an unlikely source of dating wisdom, but he gave me a talk during my single days that I think every Christian guy needs to hear.

My grandfather is a retired pastor. Most of his time he spends deep in prayer with a huge King James Bible splayed open on his lap. When he broached the topic of women with me, I wasn't sure where he'd go. Would he urge caution? Exhort purity? Instead he pointed to a verse that I knew well, Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord."

I knew finding a wife was a good thing. Was he trying to rub it in that I was still single?

No, he was pointing out that the verse implied that I had a responsibility in making it happen.

His mouth turned up at one edge.

"Find," he pointed out, "is a verb."

Lesson learned.

When I met my future wife, I knew it was my responsibility to initiate the relationship even though I was scared to death to make the first move. I still remember showing up at her doorstep with flowers in my trembling hands.

I believe it's the man's responsibility to initiate the relationship. But that statement comes with some serious qualifiers. Though it is the guy's job to pursue, that does not negate God's role. God is still the best matchmaker. We should never rush into relationships by running roughshod over the leading of His Spirit. Only after prayer and careful consideration should we proceed.

It's equally important that we be sensitive in reading women's signals. Women want us to be proactive, but when the romantic feelings are not mutual, being aggressive is not cool — it's creepy. If your advances receive chilly receptions, do not soldier on. Doing so will likely only fortify — not wear down — her defenses. Back off and behave like a brother. Once you've made your intentions clear, the ball is in her court. She'll let you know if her feelings change.

But if you're one of the myriad men sitting on the fence too scared or too "spiritual" to pursue a woman, it may be time to man-up and make a move. I know taking risks can be daunting. But often the most rewarding journeys begin with uneasy and faltering steps.

God created you to be a pursuer. So next time God brings a godly woman into your life, don't sit around twiddling your thumbs. The love of your life could be passing you by!