The Fruit of a Healthy Relationship

By Les Parrott & Neil Clark Warren

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. – Mother Teresa

With an understanding of how to find and read your social barometer, an exploration of social competency, and a study of the fine art of empathy, we want to leave you with a bit of inspiration. We believe that inspiration goes a long way in helping you use your social barometer to engender self-giving love.

You’ll remember that we’ve said who you are is more important than what you do. This is particularly true in your relationships. Tips and techniques can be helpful, but a relationship ultimately rests on the psychological health of two people. In fact, your relationships can only be as healthy as the least healthy in them.

So we will say it again: If you want a healthy relationship, the most important thing you can do is get yourself healthy. And we know, because you are reading this, that’s exactly what you are doing. So with that in mind, we want to highlight the payoff for your efforts. By recounting these payoffs to yourself on occasion, you will increase the likelihood of a more self-giving lifestyle.

When two healthy people (both tuned in to their social barometer) get together, it’s like drinking lemonade in the desert. They breathe a collective sigh. They relax. They can be who they are, and they know that just being together will restore their spirits.

Why? Because some things – what we call the fruit of a healthy relationship – are certain. In a healthy relationship, you can count on, at the very least, these four qualities: confidentiality, honesty, personal space (when needed), and almost always a good laugh.

The best portion of a good man’s life – his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. – William Wordsworth

Fruit #1: Confidentiality

A Jewish publication ran an advertisement dominated by a drawing of a very stern-looking, bearded rabbi of the nineteenth century, the Chofetz Chaim, who wrote a book about gossip called Guard Your Tongue. At the bottom of the page was a “hot-line” number to call anonymously if you have information about someone’s potential marriage, business dealings, or whatever. A rabbi at the other end will tell you whether your gossip is important enough to pass along. If not, you are counseled to guard your tongue.

Interesting, isn’t it? The advertisement reveals as much about the state of our relationships as it does about our propensity for gossip. Who among us hasn’t been hurt by a broken confidence? It usually begins when your friend says to someone: “You have to promise you won’t tell Brenda I told you this because she made me swear not to tell anyone…” It sounds very confidential. But then why are they telling you the secret? They appear to be keeping a secret but aren’t.

Jesus understood this when he said, “Therefore whatever you have spoken in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have spoken in the ear in inner rooms will be proclaimed on the housetops.”

We’ve all shared private and personal information with a trusted friend, only to learn later that our friend has blabbed it to the world. But does this mean we can’t expect anyone to keep their mouth closed? No. Not if they’re healthy.

We need to tell secrets our secrets. It helps us explore what’s troubling us and sometimes leads to helpful feedback. Sharing our secrets lets us test the reaction to what we’ve been holding in our heart. Not only that, it’s a relief not to be the only person who has experienced a certain temptation or tragedy. It makes us feel less alone when we unburden our soul and a friend says “me too” or “I understand.”

Sharing a secret can bring us closer together and deepen our relationship – but only if the relationship is healthy. Healthy people consider it a privilege to hear what’s on our mind, and they leave it at that. When it comes to keeping a confidence, healthy people are a human vault.

Fruit # 2: Honesty

"Genuine relationships cannot exist where one of the parties is unwilling to hear the truth," said Cicero, "and the other is equally indisposed to speak it." As painful as the truth might be, a healthy relationship cannot survive without it. As the well-known proverb says, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

Now this does not mean that honesty gives license to be insulting, offensive or badgering. Healthy relationships call for speaking the truth in love and respect. Without these ingredients, honesty is a lethal weapon. Perhaps that’s what caused Cicero to add, "Remove respect from friendship and you have taken away the most splendid ornament it possesses."

People deserve the respect of knowing the truth. They deserve to know if they are hurting someone’s feelings, being too aggressive, too lazy, too anything. And healthy people know they can’t live without this kind of feedback. For without it, they cannot achieve unswerving authenticity, or understand themselves well enough to be able to empathize with others and extend self-giving love freely, without conditions or restraints.

Some time ago I (Les) was counseling a twenty-something student named Lisa who came to my office in hopes of resolving a problem with a close friend. Lisa wasted no time in telling me the problem concerned her friend’s stinginess.

“Jenny is so tight, she squeaks when she walks,” Lisa confessed.

“Is this a new problem?” I asked.

“Oh no, it’s been going on for years. But it’s really wearing thin, and I find myself wanting to avoid being with Jenny whenever money is involved.”

Lisa went in to tell me how meticulous Jenny can be when trying to figure out a shared bill at a restaurant. She told me about the time it took an extra 10 minutes to pay for parking at a downtown garage because she wanted to make change for splitting the bill.

“How does Jenny respond when you talk to her about being so stingy?”

“Talk to her?!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never brought the subject up. I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”

Lisa and I spent the next several minutes exploring how much she valued her relationship with Jenny. Turns out, they were “best friends.” But here she was, on the brink of tossing away an eight-year friendship because she didn’t want to hurt Jenny’s feelings.

In other words, the one friendship she cared more about than any other was about to go under because she couldn’t speak the truth.

Fortunately, with a little advice and coaching, Lisa mustered up the courage to confront Jenny on this annoying habit and the problem began to slowly reverse itself. The point to be learned here is that friends who do not care enough to confront may save themselves a little awkwardness in the present, but they will end up losing their friendships in the future. A healthy relationship is built on honesty.

Healthy people aren’t afraid to be honest, and they aren’t afraid to be themselves. They follow Emerson’s advice: “Better be a nettle in the side of your friend than his echo.” Translation: Speak the truth, because if you are afraid of making enemies, you’ll never have good friends.

Fruit #3: Personal space

Emotionally needy people don’t understand the meaning of space. They mother and smother us with their very presence. Their constant connecting becomes oppressive – if not possessive. This kind of person has no appreciation for what C.S. Lewis meant when he said: “"In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out."

In other words, Lewis recognized the need for space in a healthy relationship. He saw the need for multifaceted relationships that help us shine where another friend, even a close one, simply is not able. This is one of the marks of a space-free relationship: Each person relinquishes a possessive hold to enable the cultivation of other relationships.

Along this same line, a healthy relationship respects serenity. It recognizes the value of a thoughtful silence and a private retreat. Philosopher and author Henry David Thoreau once said, “I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.”

Let’s face it: There are times in everyone’s life when we need to be alone – times when we need to gather our wits and allow our soul to catch up. Healthy people understand this. Part of self-giving love means we provide space, when needed, for the companion of solitude to enter a relationship. Of course, we also know when to return, when to break the silence and rejoin the other person’s journey.

All of us need space for the companion of solitude but, even more, we need to be in relationship. After all, it is this very space and separation provided by a healthy relationship that draws us back to a full appreciation of the relationship.

Fruit #4: Humor

Humor is always risky. What is appealing to some is appalling to others. In a survey of over 14,000 Psychology Today readers who rated 30 jokes, the findings were unequivocal. "Every single joke," it was reported, "had a substantial number of fans who rated it 'very funny,' while another group dismissed it as 'not at all funny.'"

Apparently, our funny bones are located in different places. Some laugh uproariously at the slapstick of Larry, Moe, and Curly, while others enjoy the more cerebral humor of Woody Allen.

Despite its risk, healthy people are willing to take it. Humor is like a litmus test for mutual understanding between two people. Sometimes it fails miserably, but it can also reveal the possibility of a deeper connection. Perhaps more importantly, laughter is the fuel that keeps healthy relationships going once they are born. It’s what enables friends to help each other cope in the midst of crisis. After all, where would we be without someone who could make us laugh?

Viktor Frankl is a profound example of how humor can empower a person to contend with horrendous circumstances. In his classic book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl speaks of using humor to survive imprisonment during World War II. Frankl and another inmate would invent at least one amusing story daily to help them cope with their horrors.

"If you can find humor in anything," according to comedian Bill Cosby, "you can survive it." Researchers agree. Studies reveal that individuals who have a strong sense of humor – who can laugh easily with at least one other person – are less likely to experience depression and other forms of mood disturbance. Scientists hypothesize that humor helps us cope because it offers a fresh perspective.

When the naturalist William Beebe used to visit his friend President Theodore Roosevelt at Sagamore Hill, both would take an evening stroll after dinner. Then one of the other would go through a customary ritual. He would look up at the stars and say, "That is the spiral galaxy of Andromeda. It is as large as our Milky Way. It is one of a hundred million galaxies. It is 750,000 light-years away. It consists of 100 billion suns, each larger than our sun." Then silence would follow. Finally, one of them would say, "Now I think our problems seem small enough."

Every healthy relationship knows that humor lends a fresh eye to our troubles and gives us a new perspective.

So long as we serve; so long as we are loved by others, I would almost say that we are indispensable; and no man is useless while he has a friend. – Robert Louis Stevenson

What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like?

By Scott Croft

Given this biblical theology of sex and marriage [presented in Sex and the Supremacy of Christ], what does a healthy, biblical dating or courting relationship look like in practice?

The attempt to answer that question has brought about a literary flood over the last several years, with different works bearing different levels of usefulness. A few examples include Boundaries in Dating; Boy Meets Girl; I Kissed Dating Goodbye; I Hugged Dating Hello; I Gave Dating a Chance; Her Hand in Marriage; The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right; and Wandering Toward the Altar.

These columns can be divided into two groups. One group generally supports the method of "dating" and attempts to instruct readers to date in a "Christian" way. The other group rejects the current dating method altogether as biblically flawed. It advocates an alternative system, which most describe as "courtship." In my reading, the book on this topic that seems the most sound theologically and practically is called Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris (he is also the author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye).

What is the difference between courtship and dating, and is one more biblical than the other? I will provide a working definition of each, describe how the two methods are broadly different, and then recommend why one method is fundamentally more biblical than the other.

Defining Courtship and Dating

Let's begin by defining courtship. Courtship ordinarily begins when a single man approaches a single woman by going through the woman's father, and then conducts his relationship with the woman under the authority of her father, family, or church, whichever is most appropriate. Courtship always has marriage as its direct goal.

What then is dating? Dating, a more modern approach, begins when either the man or the woman initiates a more- than-friends relationship with the other, and then they conduct that relationship outside of any oversight or authority. Dating may or may not have marriage as its goal.

The Differences Between Courtship and Dating

What are the differences in these two systems? For our purposes, there are three broad differences between what has been called biblical courtship and modern dating.

1. The Difference in Motive

The first difference lies with the man's motive in pursuing the relationship. Biblical courtship has one motive — to find a spouse. A man will court a particular woman because he believes it is possible that he could marry her, and the courtship is the process of discerning whether that belief is correct. To the extent that the Bible addresses premarital relationships at all, it uses the language of men marrying and women being given in marriage (see Matt. 24:38; Luke 20:34-35).

Numbers 30:3-16 talks about a transfer of authority from the father to the husband when a woman leaves her father's house and is united to her husband. The Song of Solomon showcases the meeting, courtship, and marriage of a couple — always with marriage in view. I am not advocating arranged marriages; rather, I am pointing toward the biblical purpose for why young men and women associate with one another. These passages do not argue that marriage should be the direct goal of such relationships so much as they assume it.

Modern dating, on the other hand, need not have marriage as a goal at all. Dating can be recreational. Not only is "dating for fun" acceptable, it is assumed that "practice" and learning by "trial and error" are necessary, even advisable, before finding the person that is just right for you. The fact that individuals will be emotionally and probably physically intimate with many people before settling down with the "right person" is just part of the deal. Yet where is the biblical support for such an approach to marriage? There is none. How many examples of "recreational dating" do we see among God's people in the Bible? Zero. The category of premarital intimacy does not exist, other than in the context of grievous sexual sin.

The motive for dating or courting is marriage. The practical advice I give the singles at our church is, if you cannot happily see yourself as a married man (or woman) in less than one year, then you are not ready to date.

2. The Difference in Mind-set

The second major difference between biblical courtship and modern dating is the mind-set couples have when interacting with one another. What do I mean by that? Modern dating is essentially a selfish endeavor. I do not mean maliciously selfish, as in "I'm going to try to hurt you for my benefit." I mean an oblivious self-centeredness that treats the whole process as ultimately about me. After all, what is the main question everyone asks about dating, falling in love, and getting married? "How do I know if I've found the one?" What is the unspoken ending to that question? "For me." Will this person make me happy? Will this relationship meet my needs? How does she look? What is the chemistry like? Have I done as well as I can do?

I cannot tell you how many men I have counseled who are terrified to commit, worrying that as soon as they do, "something better will come walking around the corner."

Selfishness is not what drives a biblical marriage, and therefore should not be what drives a biblical courtship. Biblical courtship recognizes the general call to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves" (Phil. 2:3, NIV). It also recognizes the specific call that Ephesians 5:25 gives men in marriage, where our main role is sacrificial service. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her. That means loving sacrificially every day. Biblical courtship means that a man does not look for a laundry list of characteristics that comprise his fantasy woman so that his every desire can be fulfilled, but he looks for a godly woman as Scripture defines her — a woman he can love and, yes, be attracted to, but a woman whom he can serve and love as a godly husband.

In other words, modern dating asks, "How can I find the one for me?" while biblical courtship asks, "How can I be the one for her?"

3. The Difference in Methods

Third, and most practically, modern dating and biblical courtship are different in their methods. And this is where the rubber really meets the road. In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical courtship, commitment precedes intimacy.

According to the current school of thought, the best way to figure out whether you want to marry a particular person is to act as if you are married and see if you like it. Spend large amounts of time alone together. Become each other's primary emotional confidantes. Share your deepest secrets and desires. Get to know that person better than anyone else in your life. Grow your physical intimacy and intensity on the same track as your emotional intimacy. What you do and say together is private and is no one else's business, and since the relationship is private, you need not submit to anyone else's authority or be accountable. And if this pseudo-marriage works for both of you, then get married. But if one or both of you do not like how it is going, go ahead and break up even if it means going through something like an emotional and probably physical divorce.

Such is the process of finding "the one," and this can happen with several different people before one finally marries. In the self-centered world of secular dating, we want as much information as possible to ensure that the right decision is being made. And if we can enjoy a little physical or emotional comfort along the way, great.

Clearly, this is not the biblical picture. The process just described is hurtful to the woman that the man purports to care about, not to mention to himself. And it clearly violates the command of 1 Thessalonians 4:6 not to wrong or defraud our sisters in Christ by implying a marriage-level commitment where one does not exist. It will have a damaging effect on the man's marriage and hers, whether they marry each other or not.

In Biblical relationship, commitment precedes intimacy. Within this model, the man should follow the admonition in 1 Timothy 5:1-2 to treat all young women to whom he is not married as sisters, with absolute purity. The man should show leadership and willingness to bear the risk of rejection by defining the nature and the pace of the relationship. He should do this before spending significant time alone with her in order to avoid hurting or confusing her.

He should also seek to ensure that a significant amount of time is spent with other couples or friends rather than alone. The topics, manner, and frequency of conversations should be characterized by the desire to become acquainted with each other more deeply, but not in a way that defrauds each other. There should be no physical intimacy outside the context of marriage, and the couple should seek accountability for the spiritual health and progress of the relationship, as well as for their physical and emotional intimacy.

Within this model, both parties should seek to find out, before God, whether they should be married, and whether they can service and honor God better together than apart. The man should take care not to treat any woman like his wife who is not his wife. Of course he must get to know his courting partner well enough to make a decision on marriage. However, prior to the decision to marry, he should always engage with her emotionally in a way he would be happy for other men to engage with her.

In all these ways, a biblical relationship looks different from a worldly relationship. If this is done well, Christian women will be honored, even as they are pursued. Christian wives will be honored. And God will be glorified.

10 Ways to Be Marriable

By Suzanne Hadley

A few years ago I was visiting my parents when I caught my mom with some interesting reading material: Marriable by Hayley and Michael DiMarco. She divulged a few of the book's insights and assured me that I was on track. When you're working toward something, whether obtaining a degree, succeeding in a career or finding a life partner, it's not a bad idea to study how others have done it — and done it well.

With this in mind, I informally interviewed a dozen married couples to find out what drew them to their spouses and what made them stick around. These 10 characteristics rose to the top.

(Note: Some names have been changed to protect couples' privacy.)

1. Contentment. When Nathan met Kelsey, he noticed her beautiful smile and the fact that she was satisfied with her life. "She wasn't desperate to get married," he says. "Kelsey had two plans for life: one that included a spouse and one that did not. That told me that she was content with whatever God brought her way."

Jessica caught Jim's attention the moment she walked into the room. "She acted differently than most people — reserved and modest, not showing off her obvious beauty," he says. As Jim got to know her through the outdoor activities they enjoyed doing together, he noticed her self-assurance. "She wasn't looking, but she wasn't resistant either. I got along with her very well, and it seemed that she wasn't trying too hard to be the person I wanted."

2. Initiative. Josh found many things to love about Danielle, including her stunning auburn locks, but the thing that most caught his attention was that she was living her life with purpose. She had graduated from college and was succeeding in her career as an exhibition design assistant at a big city art museum.

"Some girls I knew were sitting around waiting for this wealthy, good-looking man to take care of them," Josh says. "Danielle was living life to the fullest and that attracted me to her.

"I thought, If a girl is sitting on the couch at home all day at her parents, will she sit on the couch all day as my wife? In Danielle, I could see a glimpse into the future and knew she would carry the same passion and energy she had for God, our church and her job into marriage. As it turns out, I was right."

Similarly, Gretta, who was friends with her husband, Jay, for three years before they began dating, noted his work ethic. "He was determined to do well at whatever he set out to do," she says. "He was reading books on relationships, talking to trusted married friends and seeking wise counsel. I saw in his work life how he wanted to excel. He would do whatever it took to get the job done, and he applied that same determination to our relationship."

3. Kindness. Johanna was first attracted to Paul because of the friendliness and kindness he showed to everyone, not just her. "And I thought he was a hottie," she adds. After they were married, Johanna discovered that Paul's kind heart extended to financial generosity as well. "He gives way more than the standard," she says.

4. Consistency. Kelsey knew she wanted to marry Nathan when she was grocery shopping with him for a dorm section event in college. They weren't even dating. "I thought to myself, I could shop with Nathan for the rest of my life!" Kelsey knew Nathan for two years before they began dating. "He was consistent," she says. "He was the same person no matter who he was around or what situation he was in."

5. Optimism. Gavin and Jamie met while working together at the same church. "I guess it was natural I would take a second glance at someone who was my age, cute and single," Gavin says.

But once they began dating, he discovered something else. "She'd lived through some rough times growing up (like me). Yet somehow, she'd come out on the other side with a remarkably positive attitude about life and an unshakeable faith."

Even when Gavin lost his job, and thought that might end their relationship — "Who wants to date a guy who just lost his fulltime income, right?" — Jamie was supportive and encouraged him in the next step. That pattern has continued into their marriage.

6. Commitment. When Josh began attending Lindy's church and quickly committed himself to the worship and leadership teams, Lindy was impressed. It was also a "happy coincidence" because she was on the same teams, which meant they got to see each other three times a week. Josh demonstrated the same kind of dedication as he pursued Lindy for marriage. "He's a man of integrity who knows how to make a commitment," she says.

7. Spiritual Passion. Krista believes God told her to marry her husband, Craig. "I quite willingly agreed!" she says. "When I was growing up, my mom told me to pray for a husband who is passionate about God. I did, and I got him! I am able to respect Craig because he listens to God and obeys His voice."

From the first time they met, Melissa loved Brock's green eyes. The kind of guy who would buy her a trinket she liked or plan a fun outing together, it was Brock's devotion to Christ that ultimately won Melissa's heart. "His desire to know Jesus and develop a closer relationship with Him was evident through the dating process," she says. "He has a very strong commitment to the Lord."

8. Humility. Christine met her husband, Mike, via their blogs, and eventually moved to Australia to marry him. Among his many good qualities, Christine says of Mike: "He is open about his flaws and sincerely repents of his wrongs. I can see his tender heart constantly being shaped by the Holy Spirit to become more like Christ."

Josh's humility "really got my attention," Danielle says. "I'd been around a lot of men who were full of pride, who never gave heartfelt apologies or thought they were wrong. Josh had a humble spirit, and I really loved that about him." She's discovered that this humility also allows Josh to be a good leader of their home.

9. Faith. Shy and reserved, Sarah might have never talked to Andrew if he hadn't sat by her at a college ice cream social and struck up a conversation. But as she got to know him, she noticed his deep trust in the Lord. "I knew Andrew would make a good spouse because of his commitment to being a godly man and the way he trusted the Lord for all of his needs. That was a trust that I saw the Lord rewarding time and again as He provided exactly what we needed at the moment."

10. Perseverance. Rebecca and her husband, Kade, had a long, difficult engagement. "I experienced so much grace, love and truth-telling," Rebecca says. "I felt completely valued and loved in a way I never had before, and I saw Kade persevere in the challenge of relating to my parents, who didn't like him."

Mike heard about his wife, Jessica's, "brains and beauty" before he ever even met her. When they did meet, he was hooked. But five months after they began dating, Jessica went on a year-long mission trip to a country with limited Internet and phone access. While she was away, Mike got up at 4 a.m. many mornings to chat with her online, spent a fortune on calling cards and even visited twice, staying for two months in the summer.

"Then I knew he would not only support my dreams but join me in them," Jessica says.

"Throughout our relationship, Jessica was committed and loyal," Mike adds. "We had a saying 'up and to the right' (like the trend you want to see in the stock market). As time passed our love for each other continued to grow. Marriage has its ups and downs. Being able to make it through the downs is what strengthens a relationship."

Each of the above 10 characteristics was mentioned again and again — by people who know. This list is certainly not comprehensive, but based on the fact that most of the couples interviewed have been married for between five and 10 years, these qualities seem to be good indicators not only of "mate" potential but of success in married life.

Getting married and staying married isn't always easy, but solid character is a good foundation for both.

Reflecting on "The Mystery of Marriage"

By Dr. Albert Mohler

Well, at least I know how to strike a nerve. A couple of years ago, I delivered a major address on marriage to the 2004 New Attitude Conference organized by Joshua Harris, author of influential books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Not Even a Hint. Those attending the conference seemed to receive the message with great appreciation, but a rather significant reaction has come from those who take issue with what I had to say.

Speaking on "The Mystery of Marriage," I tried to address the modern crisis of marriage from a biblical point of view. With marriage in eclipse — both in the culture and in some sectors of the church — I sounded an alarm directed specifically at young single adults who, by their very attendance at this conference, already showed that they shared this concern. With background issues including controversy over same-sex marriage, rampant divorce, and demographic trends indicating significant dangers for the institution of marriage, I went back to the basics.

Drawing from the creation account and other significant biblical passages, I sought to demonstrate that the Bible presents a conception of marriage that goes far beyond what most persons have even imagined. According to the Bible, marriage is not primarily about our self-esteem and personal fulfillment, nor is it just one lifestyle option among others. The Bible is clear in presenting a picture of marriage that is rooted in the glory of God made evident in creation itself. The man and the woman are made for each other and the institution of marriage is given to humanity as both opportunity and obligation.

From Genesis to Revelation, the Bible assumes that marriage is normative for human beings. The responsibilities, duties, and joys of marriage are presented as matters of spiritual significance. From a Christian perspective, marriage must never be seen as a mere human invention — an option for those who choose such a high level of commitment — for it is an arena in which God's glory is displayed in the right ordering of the man and the woman, and their glad reception of all that marriage means, gives, and requires.

The Marginalization of Marriage

Clearly, something has gone badly wrong in our understanding of marriage. This is not only reflected in much of the conversation and literature about marriage found in the secular world, but in many Christian circles as well. The undermining of marriage — or at least its reduction to something less than the biblical concept — is also evident in the way many Christians marry, and in the way others fail to marry.

In the larger culture of confusion, marriage is seen by some persons as an option for those who "need" it. Radical feminists have attacked marriage as a hopelessly patriarchal institution, binding women to home and family in what Betty Friedan called "domestic captivity." A revolution in the law has made divorce easy and quick, undermining the marital bond and redefining marriage as a tentative commitment.

Some of these who desire marriage are driven by the wrong desires. Some are looking for social benefits as others see marriage as a form of self-expression. By any measure, marriage is in trouble.

All this cries out for biblical correction, and Christians must resist the accommodationist temptation to accept the marginalization of marriage.

This generation of young Christians must lead the way in the recovery of the biblical vision, and build a Christian counter-culture that puts marriage back at the center of human life and Christian living. The young people who attended the New Attitude Conference represent a great hope for such a recovery. The heart-felt yearning for marriage so movingly communicated by those who have sent me such pointed responses to my message indicates that these young Christians are also committed to be agents of such a Christian recovery.

The Gift of Celibacy

There is one significant qualification about marriage found in the Scriptures. In 1 Corinthians chapter seven, the Apostle Paul writes specifically about the gift of celibacy, offering a clear teaching for those who are given this special gift in order to be liberated for strategic Gospel service. Paul's point is clear. The obligations that are part and parcel of marriage are a matter of deep spiritual responsibility. A Christian who is married is, under the obligations of that sacred institution, less free to seize some opportunities for ministry that would be open to one who is unmarried.

Paul celebrates the gift of celibacy for Christian service, but he says nothing about those who simply would choose singleness as a lifestyle option. His concern was to see the Gospel preached throughout the world, even as the moral reputation of the Corinthian congregation was restored on matters of marriage and sexuality.

Furthermore, Paul speaks very specifically about the sexual aspect of marriage and instructs, "it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Cor. 7:9, NASB). I appreciate Paul's apostolic candor. He did not condemn sexual desire and sexual passion, but he directed the Corinthians — and us — to marriage as the proper arena for such passion to be expressed.

With all this in view, it would seem that the Bible offers two specific teachings about marriage that should frame our understanding and our engagement in the current debate.

First, marriage is presented as a sacred institution, a covenant made between the man and the woman before their Creator, and an arena in which the glory of God is demonstrated to the watching world through the goodness of the marital relationship, the one-flesh character of the marital bond, the holiness of marital sex, and the completeness that comes with the gift of children.

Second, the Bible presents celibacy as a gift — apparently a rare gift — that is granted to some believers in order that they would be liberated for special service in Christ's name. Paul's discussion of celibacy indicates that this gift is marked by the absence of lust and sexual desire that would compromise or complicate ministry as an unmarried person. Accordingly, those who have been given the gift of celibacy find in Christ the satisfactions others are given through marriage.

Paul privileges this gift of celibacy, stating that he would have many of the Corinthians demonstrate this gift and "remain even as I" (1 Cor. 7:8). Yet, most Christians in every age have been married — not celibate. Marriage has represented the norm for adult Christians in every generation since the time of Paul's writing. This is consistent with the purposes of marriage as laid out in the biblical pattern, and is acknowledged by Paul in numerous passages dealing with husbands and wives, parents and children, and qualifications for church leaders. Celibacy is a wonderful gift — a gift the whole church should celebrate — but it is a rare gift.

The Problem of Extended Adolescence

Now, to the hard part. Demographic trends, cultural shifts, and a weakening of the biblical concept of marriage have produced a situation in which marriage is in big trouble, even among many Christians. Divorce must be listed first among the ills that have befallen marriage in recent decades, but at the New Attitude Conference I was asked to address young singles who had not yet married. While the problem of divorce must always be acknowledged and confronted with biblical truth, in speaking to never-married single Christians my purpose was to point them to the glory of God in the comprehensive goodness of marriage. Speaking to that audience, I addressed a problem much closer at hand.

By any calculation, the statistics indicate that young adults are marrying much later in life than at any time in recent human history. As a matter of fact, demographers have suggested that this new pattern of delay in marriage has established a statistical pattern that in previous generations had been most closely associated with social crises like war and natural disaster.

Here are the plain facts: According to the 2000 U.S. Census, the first marriage for the average male is now at age 27. For white females, the age is slightly lower. This amounts to a delay that often has devastating consequences. With puberty coming at earlier ages than ever before — certainly in the early teens for most Americans — the period of time between sexual maturity and marriage is now stretching out into something like an average of 10 to 15 years. The accompanying statistics related to premarital sexual activity parallel the statistics related to the delay of marriage. Can anyone be surprised?

Other problems are closely associated with this delay of marriage. Speaking to this group of Christian young people — an outstanding group of young Christian disciples and leaders — I pointed to what sociologists now describe as "extended adolescence" — a period of life that now is extended well into the 20s and even early 30s by many young adults, often young men, who have trouble making the transition to adulthood.

I urged these young Christians to seize the biblical concept of marriage and all of its glory, to understand that God has set this covenant before them as expectation, and to channel their energies toward getting married, staying married, and showing God's glory in those marriages.

I shared with those who attended the conference my concern that this delay — the deliberate putting off of marriage even among some who intend some day to be married — was "the sin I think besets this generation." Continuing, I also made clear that this is primarily a problem that should be laid at the feet of young men. While some young women may neglect the call of marriage, a far greater problem is the unwillingness of many young men to grow up, take responsibility, lead, and find the woman God would have them to marry. As a rule, young women show far greater commitment to marriage, far greater maturity about marriage, and far greater frustration about the fact that marriage has been delayed. I thought I had made that point clearly — but perhaps not.

Is Singleness a Sin?

Those who attended the 2004 New Attitude Conference responded to my message on "The Mystery of Marriage" with a great deal of appreciation and receptivity. I was quickly surrounded by young men who had felt a brotherly kick to the seat of their pants, and by many young women who appreciated the fact that I had articulated what many of them had hoped to hear.

Nevertheless, the delayed reaction among some who did not attend the conference has been to the contrary. Weeks after I addressed the conference, much of the message was broadcast on FamilyLife Today, a national radio broadcast hosted by Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine. FamilyLife Today is an outstanding program, and I was very pleased that my message had been broadcast. It seems that others were less than enthusiastic.

Within weeks of that broadcast, a major critique of the message was offered by Camerin Courtney and posted at ChristianityToday.com. In her article, entitled "Is Singleness a Sin?," Ms. Courtney decided to respectfully let me have it. She suggested that I had offered "gross overgeneralizations" about single people, and she argued that most Christian singles "aren't delaying marriage due to selfish motives." Ms. Courtney went on to say that most singles she knows "earnestly desire to be married, are surprised and/or frustrated that they aren't yet, and are prayerfully trying to figure out how to get from here to there."

Most specifically, Ms. Courtney was offended by my suggestion that, except for those given the gift of celibacy, marriage is the God-given context for the achievement of maturity in adulthood. Many others have responded to that argument as well.

In the days following Ms. Courtney's article, I received a flood of e-mail messages and other contacts. Most have been very clear about their outrage, but also very thoughtful in suggesting exactly where they felt I had gone wrong. Interestingly, every single response to Ms. Courtney's article I have yet received has been written by a woman.

In reflecting on these messages and the points these very articulate and thoughtful women have raised, I am led to wonder if parts of the total message may have been edited or missing from the version they read or heard. But even if all the arguments were present, I wonder if some of them may have been missed or minimized.

In any event, the ensuing controversy affords all of us a good opportunity to look again at the biblical teachings concerning marriage and commit ourselves to accountability before God for the totality of our lives. Some of my respondents clearly missed the point concerning celibacy. But others still want to argue that intentional singleness — apparently without respect to celibacy — can be an acceptable lifestyle option for believers.

No, Singleness is Not a Sin

I stand unmoved, even more convinced that the argument I made at the New Attitude Conference is precisely correct.

Singleness is not a sin, but deliberate singleness on the part of those who know they have not been given the gift of celibacy is, at best, a neglect of a Christian responsibility. The problem may be simple sloth, personal immaturity, a fear of commitment, or an unbalanced priority given to work and profession. On the part of men, it may also take the shape of a refusal to grow up and take the lead in courtship. There are countless Christian women who are prayerfully waiting for Christian men to grow up and take the lead. What are these guys waiting for?

The delay of marriage has caused any number of ills in the larger society, and in the church. Honesty compels us to admit that this is indeed tied to levels of sexual promiscuity and frustration, even as it means that many persons are now marrying well into their adult years, missing the opportunity of growing together as a young couple, and putting parenthood potentially at risk.

Almost all of the women who have written me in response to this article have indicated their grief and frustration that they are not yet married. Not one has indicated in her message that she has intended from the beginning to be single and to remain single. To the contrary, each writer has affirmed her own commitment to marriage and to be married, and each has spoken of her personal frustration that her hopes have not been yet fulfilled.

Given this commitment and hope as articulated by these thoughtful young women, it should be clear that when I spoke of a pattern of sin in the delay of marriage, I was certainly not attributing that sin to them. To the contrary, as one who believes wholeheartedly in the biblical pattern of complementarity and in the male responsibility to lead, I charge young men with far greater responsibility for this failure. The extension of a "boy culture" into the 20s and 30s, along with a sense of uncertainty about the true nature of male leadership, has led many young men to focus on career, friends, sports, and any number of other satisfactions when they should be preparing themselves for marriage and taking responsibility to grow up, be the man, and show God's glory as husband and father.

Recovering A Biblical Vision of Marriage

I am not calling for high school students to marry, and I am certainly not suggesting that believers of any age should marry thoughtlessly, carelessly, and without sound spiritual judgment. But I am most emphatically arguing that this delay of marriage now presents the church with a critical test: We will either recover a full and comprehensive biblical vision of marriage in all of its glory, or we will soon find believers so accommodated to the culture around us that all we seek in our marriages is to do marginally better than what we see in the world.

Sensitivity demands that we understand the grief, frustration, and concern of Christian young adults struggling with this issue. They are the inheritors of a culture that has minimized marriage and has sent mixed messages concerning sex, gender, marriage, and all the rest. The full biblical vision of marriage was not, in the main, held before them from their earliest years at home, and was not encouraged and enriched as they grew through adolescence into adulthood. Many of them — especially many young women — feel victimized by this pattern, and they are frustrated by the reality.

Now is the time for the church to take this conversation to the next level. This generation of Christian young adults has the opportunity to seize the moment, reverse cultural trends, and show their elders the glory of marriage as God intended it from the beginning.

I stand by my argument — renewed in this conviction even by the controversy that has followed. At the same time, I'm going to be a good bit more careful to make clear that young men must accept most of the blame for this situation. I will also remind these young men that, armed with a biblical mandate and fueled by Christian passion, they can also be the vanguard for recovery.

Let's keep this conversation going, and encourage each other to pursue God's glory in every dimension of our lives — and to settle for nothing less.