No Greater Love

By Kathi Macias

When Jesus walked the earth, He talked a lot about love; more importantly, He modeled it. For instance, one of His most famous sayings about love is found in John 15:13: "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." He showed us what that sort of love looked like when He hung on the Cross, dying for a lost and sin-sick world.

Many have followed in Christ's self-sacrificing footsteps over the years and centuries. The term "martyr," from the Greek for "witness," was first used in reference to the Apostles. But as persecution of Christians increased, the term was used for all Christians who gave up their lives rather than deny their Lord. The second-century Church Father Tertullian declared that the "blood of the martyrs is the seed of the Church," meaning that believers' willing sacrifice of their lives drew others to faith in Jesus Christ.

Many of us have heard the valiant stories of those martyrs of the early Church, but the truth is that more Christians have died for their faith since 1900 than in all the previous centuries of Christendom combined. Even today, at this very moment, someone somewhere is suffering for love of Christ.

But what about those of us who live in countries where persecution to the point of imprisonment, torture, or death has not yet invaded our lives? We are grateful for that freedom of worship, of course, and hopefully we are praying for and supporting those Christians less fortunate. But does that mean we have no opportunity to show others the great love that is our birthright as believers, that love that is evidenced in selfless living?

Not at all. And what better time of year to consider that sort of love than during the month of February, when hearts and flowers abound and romance fills the air?

Li Ying is one of my personal heroes. A devout believer, she lives in China, where she is currently serving a ten-year sentence for distributing Christian writings to children. Separated from her family and working long hours in a labor camp, this courageous young woman has yet to literally lay down her life for her beliefs, but she daily pays a heavy price for remaining faithful.

Danny is another one of my heroes. He is seven-year-old boy with cerebral palsy and a passion for Jesus. In his halting way, he tells everyone he meets about the great love of the One who died for sinners. Though his awkward speech and mannerisms often result in Danny's being the butt of many jokes, particularly from his peers, he doesn't let that stop him. Greater love drives him on.

Ruby is yet another hero I greatly admire. This feisty octogenarian can only get around with the help of a walker, and even then her painful arthritis makes her movements slow and arduous. But Ruby refuses to give up or give in when it comes to taking every possible opportunity to model God's love to those who so desperately need to see it.

Pastor McDonald ranks right up there at the top of my hero list too. He and his wife have served Jesus for decades, though they've never built a huge church building or hosted a TV program to proclaim the gospel. Instead they have faithfully preached of God's love and mercy, week after week, month after month, year after year, to their grateful congregation of poor and homeless in the old part of town. As a result, the McDonalds still live in a tiny apartment above the sanctuary where they have worked and served since the early days of their marriage. No one in need of a meal or a bed or a prayer is ever turned away, though it often means the pastor and his wife do without themselves. But as they are so well known for saying, "It's what Jesus would have done."

There is no end to the list of heroes out there, people who are willing to model God's great love and lay down their own lives—whether literally or figuratively—for others. But what about us? Do we live in such a way that people can see that great and selfless love of Christ operating in and through us?

It's a question I've asked myself many times. Sometimes the answer isn't exactly what I want to hear.

My 88-year-old mother lives with us, and I am her primary caretaker. At times that's not an easy job, particularly when balancing it with a fulltime writing/editing career and all the other responsibilities that go with life in general. To be truthful, at times it's so difficult and stressful that I want to run out the door and not look back. But it all came into perspective one day when I least expected it.

I had been praying for direction in my own life and ministry when I heard the Lord whisper to my heart, "Somebody has to set up the chairs." I knew the Lord was stressing the need to serve others in ministry, so I readily agreed.

Then, a few weeks later, I was running at breakneck speed, trying to accomplish far too many things in far too little time, when I realized there was yet another detail I needed to attend to for my mom. That's when I caught myself grumbling—and I didn't like the sound of it at all.

"Forgive me, Lord," I whispered.

Somebody has to set up the chairs, came the answer.

Stunned, I realized God wanted me to understand that my day-by-day—sometimes moment-by-moment—decisions to serve others weren't restricted to serving those in fulltime ministry, but also those with whom I interacted all the time. I realized too that the selfless choices required for that sort of service can be much more difficult than what I had considered the "big sacrifices."

It's a lesson I try to keep at the center of my thoughts each day, and particularly now that Valentine's Day, the so-called holiday of love, is upon us. If we really want to model Christ-like love, the greatest love that submits its own desires to God and gives itself away for the sake of others, then we would do well to remember that someone has to set up the chairs—and then do it without grumbling.

Why not start with someone close to you? Instead of (or in addition to) giving a box of chocolates or a bouquet of roses, ask God to show you a way to "lay down your life" as an act of selfless love toward that person—not just on Valentine's Day, but throughout the year.

How to Make Love Work

By Stacy Hawkins Adams

Best-selling author Michelle McKinney Hammond has advised thousands of readers over the years how to find happiness in singleness and how to love themselves the way God intended.

One of her recent books, however, serves as a guide for nurturing a godly romance. In How to Make Love Work: The Guide to Getting It, Keeping It and Fixing What’s Broken Hammond takes a practical look at what it takes to develop and maintain a healthy relationship.

Hammond spoke to Crosswalk.com recently from Chicago, where she cohosts an Emmy Award-winning television show and serves as an empowerment coach and speaker.

Tell us about How to Make Love Work.

It’s a manual from A to Z, from singlehood all the way through marriage. Most people make decisions driven by emotions. They think as long as they feel good, love is working, and when they’re not feeling good it’s not working. Love not feeling good is an indicator that there is an area of the relationship that needs to be worked on. People always want the end result, but not the work it takes to get it. Sometimes work doesn’t feel good, but the rewards of it are fabulous.

What makes this book unique?

It’s a practical guide that incorporates a scriptural principle. I’m really just dissecting the parts of love and how you put them together - what proper alignment is, how you troubleshoot areas that are not working well, and the maintenance that’s involved. Nothing keeps growing on its own. A plant is beautiful as long as you water and nurture it with the right amount of sun. A relationship is the same. It has to be nurtured; it has to be refreshed.

I would say the difference also is this book’s much more objective take, in that it simplifies the main elements and leaves the choices up to the person reading the book. I give you tools and you get to make decisions on how to use them.

You indicate in the book that people generally look at love all wrong. How so?

Sometimes our expectations of love and what it’s supposed to accomplish in our lives make us feel we’re not loved at all. What we expect the other person to do, that poor other person doesn’t even know what your expectations are. He may not know or he may not be wired to do those things. Does that disqualify that it is love? It’s the expectation that now does damage to the relationship. That’s why our hearts have to be grounded in God’s Word.

No person will ever be able to fulfill all of our expectations about love, because God won’t allow it. There’s a hole that can only be filled by Him.

You equate building a solid relationship to assembling a great product. What are some of the vital components?

Women are wired to be receivers and men are wired to be givers. A socket is available for the plug. It is what it is, but it doesn’t pursue the plug. It is connected to all the things it should be connected to. Being open to making the connection is important where the woman is concerned.

Men’s initial and greatest fear is rejection. We have to be inviting and look approachable. Hidden attitudes can reveal themselves in our posture and expressions. Loosen up. Compliment the guy on his shoes so he knows it’s safe to talk to you. If he’s a boy and he’s waiting for you to run after him, that’s not someone you are going to want to be tied to long-term. If he’ s not aggressive in his pursuit of you, he will be passive in other important areas.

Let’s dissect your title. The first part of How to Make Love Work addresses how to find love. What’s your advice?

You’re going to have to do the work on yourself first, in your own heart and mind, about your expectations about love and what it takes to be good to you. Dating is for collecting data. You are collecting information to see if this person is qualified for courtship. Then, as friendship develops, you decide if you are going to be more intentional about pursuing a courtship. It tells you the things to look for and the things you need to flesh out as a couple and the maintenance that is required. Every day we choose to trust people who are not qualified to be life partners.

You also advise to readers how to keep love, once they’ve found a partner. Why do you refer to it as preventive maintenance?

People get to the altar and say, ‘I do’ and think, ‘I’m done. Now let me move on to the next goal on my list.’

There are some things that need to be in place to keep you from having problems. The basic things people need are patience, kindness and understanding, as well as the willingness to yield. If we are pursuing principles, sometimes we will lose the partner and the relationship in the process.

What about long-term maintenance?

Passion is important. It’s great to like each other, but it’s nice to have the icing of passion. There should be anchors in relationships that pull you back to your original feeling. You should still have date night and traditions and things in your home that lead you back home.

Laughter is also key. It’s important to be able to laugh at ourselves and with one another.

Why do you advise readers not to make their mates their ‘everything’?

Your ‘everything’ should be everything you’ve already built into your life. That person should be a wonderful addition to that. (Otherwise) you are setting yourself up to be disappointed and for the relationship to fail. Giving that person permission to be who they are empowers them to be greater for you. It’s a delicate dance.

What is your current relationship status?

I’m single, single single! There are different levels—there’s ‘Single, but getting out of a relationship;’ ‘Single, but seeing someone,’ and ‘Single, single, single,’ where you are footloose and exploring your options.

Being married is not the qualifier for knowing how to be married. If that was the case, nobody would be divorced. The quality of your present relationships is a good indicator of what your marriage would look like. Are they healthy? Are they long term? Most of the relationships in my life are 20 years old and over. I still have the same friends I had in 1976. That prepares me to know how to do the work to maintain and sustain a long-term relationship. The same keys have to be in place in your friendships and family interactions. You’ve got to do the work in other relationships, too.

You assert in How to Make Love Work that ‘We become the sum total of the love we are able to give and inspire in our lifetimes.’ How so?

Isn’t that the legacy we leave? Nobody talks about your job when you leave. They talk about the quality of your relationship with them.

When Tabitha in the Bible died, the widows mourned and brought their coats and other clothing she had made for them, and Peter raised her from the dead. The relationships and the things you did for others literally keeps you living after you are gone. Your life is a sum total of relationships. Make sure you have good ones. If there is no permanent mate, spread it to family and friends. They are the precursors to everything you’ll experience in a marriage.