Before You Say "I Do" to a Pre-Nup…

Stephen Bloom Esq.

Are you a joyful bride-to-be? An eager (or nervous!) groom? Perhaps you have a son or daughter getting married this summer? Perhaps a beloved grandchild? Or maybe a lifelong friend? So many of us have a special acquaintance or family member ready to "tie the knot" in a beautiful marriage ceremony of thrilling romance and holy commitment this year. So what does any of this have to do with the law? Why am I raising the subject of weddings in my Christian legal column?

I'm writing to brides and grooms and those close to them because I want to encourage you to build the strongest possible marriage from the beginning, a marriage built on the solid foundation of God and His Word. And I'm writing because I want to encourage you not to weaken or undermine that sacred foundation by relying on destructive legal "worldly wisdom" that commonly advises you not to get married without first entering a pre-nuptial agreement.

A pre-nuptial agreement (informally called a "pre-nup") is a legal contract between a husband and a wife. It spells out in excruciating detail who owns what property, who has what legal rights, and exactly what happens if the couple gets separated or divorced. But is a binding and enforceable legal contract between husband and wife really consistent with God's plan for Christian marriage?

In an era of frequent marital break-ups and complex family structures, our cynical culture and most secular lawyers portray anyone getting married without a pre-nup as either foolish or naive. Before the wedding day, we are warned, wise couples should agree in writing what will happen if and when the marriage dissolves. But is there something wrong with this pessimistic advice? Should Christians begin their sacred marriage relationship as if it were just another business deal? Is it healthy for a husband and wife to be forced into negotiating against one another as legal adversaries, each with their own attorneys, in the days or weeks before they are joined as "one flesh" in the eyes of God?

As a Christian lawyer, I believe pre-nuptial agreements tend to undermine the marriage relationship, putting the sacred covenant on shaky ground from the beginning. God calls husband and wife to be unified - to live as one, to share freely, to trust and honor and love each other in every way. But the very process of creating and executing a pre-nup glorifies a contrary perspective, one that is destructive and disruptive to the marriage. The whole psychology of pre-nuptial agreements encourages each spouse to think of herself or himself as separate from the other, to be suspicious of the other, and to hold on tightly to "what's yours" and keep it from the other! It's the opposite of unity!

I know my thoughts on pre-nups run contrary to what most lawyers would consider "correct" legal thinking. Certainly my perspective does not fit the conventional model of standard secular legal counsel for engaged couples. But as a Christian lawyer I have no choice but to look at the legal questions we face from a biblical Christian viewpoint. I answer to a higher authority, and that authority says, "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24 NRSV)

How committed to each other should a Christian husband and wife be? Should they be 50% committed? 70% committed? Is a 90% commitment enough? Isn't the answer 100%? When God teaches us about marriage, when he uses those words "one flesh," it sounds to me like God intends for husbands and wives to be 100% committed to each other. But the existence of a pre-nup sets the husband and wife at odds with each other. It's like saying to your beloved future spouse, "Honey, let's agree up front that we aren't necessarily 100% committed to each other." And that's why I'm very reluctant to endorse the use of pre-nuptial agreements. To me, they just don't seem consistent with God's design for Christian marriage.

Lawyers could probably think up a thousand different situations where cold logic and a secular perspective might dictate that the spouses "need" a pre-nuptial agreement. But under God's plan, what either spouse has "going in" doesn't really matter because everything belongs fully to both spouses once they're married. If either spouse feels they can't freely give everything to the other, then, quite frankly, I would humbly suggest they need to seriously and prayerfully reconsider going through with the marriage vows.

With wedding season still in full swing, let me urge you, engaged couples, to focus on building lasting oneness between you, as you both seek to serve and honor Christ in your upcoming marriage. And for those with friends and loved ones about to be married, let me beg you to do your part to encourage that kind of Christian unity and help the couple resist secular pressure to buy into "pre-nup propaganda"!

I pray God's blessings on my brothers and sisters about to enter the joy and richness of Christian marriage. I know marriage won't always be easy, but you will never regret beginning this precious journey together on the unshakable foundation of Jesus Christ and His Word. So please, think twice before you say "I do" to a pre-nup!

Reflecting on "The Mystery of Marriage"

By Dr. Albert Mohler

Well, at least I know how to strike a nerve. A couple of years ago, I delivered a major address on marriage to the 2004 New Attitude Conference organized by Joshua Harris, author of influential books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Not Even a Hint. Those attending the conference seemed to receive the message with great appreciation, but a rather significant reaction has come from those who take issue with what I had to say.

Speaking on "The Mystery of Marriage," I tried to address the modern crisis of marriage from a biblical point of view. With marriage in eclipse — both in the culture and in some sectors of the church — I sounded an alarm directed specifically at young single adults who, by their very attendance at this conference, already showed that they shared this concern. With background issues including controversy over same-sex marriage, rampant divorce, and demographic trends indicating significant dangers for the institution of marriage, I went back to the basics.

Drawing from the creation account and other significant biblical passages, I sought to demonstrate that the Bible presents a conception of marriage that goes far beyond what most persons have even imagined. According to the Bible, marriage is not primarily about our self-esteem and personal fulfillment, nor is it just one lifestyle option among others. The Bible is clear in presenting a picture of marriage that is rooted in the glory of God made evident in creation itself. The man and the woman are made for each other and the institution of marriage is given to humanity as both opportunity and obligation.

From Genesis to Revelation, the Bible assumes that marriage is normative for human beings. The responsibilities, duties, and joys of marriage are presented as matters of spiritual significance. From a Christian perspective, marriage must never be seen as a mere human invention — an option for those who choose such a high level of commitment — for it is an arena in which God's glory is displayed in the right ordering of the man and the woman, and their glad reception of all that marriage means, gives, and requires.

The Marginalization of Marriage

Clearly, something has gone badly wrong in our understanding of marriage. This is not only reflected in much of the conversation and literature about marriage found in the secular world, but in many Christian circles as well. The undermining of marriage — or at least its reduction to something less than the biblical concept — is also evident in the way many Christians marry, and in the way others fail to marry.

In the larger culture of confusion, marriage is seen by some persons as an option for those who "need" it. Radical feminists have attacked marriage as a hopelessly patriarchal institution, binding women to home and family in what Betty Friedan called "domestic captivity." A revolution in the law has made divorce easy and quick, undermining the marital bond and redefining marriage as a tentative commitment.

Some of these who desire marriage are driven by the wrong desires. Some are looking for social benefits as others see marriage as a form of self-expression. By any measure, marriage is in trouble.

All this cries out for biblical correction, and Christians must resist the accommodationist temptation to accept the marginalization of marriage.

This generation of young Christians must lead the way in the recovery of the biblical vision, and build a Christian counter-culture that puts marriage back at the center of human life and Christian living. The young people who attended the New Attitude Conference represent a great hope for such a recovery. The heart-felt yearning for marriage so movingly communicated by those who have sent me such pointed responses to my message indicates that these young Christians are also committed to be agents of such a Christian recovery.

The Gift of Celibacy

There is one significant qualification about marriage found in the Scriptures. In 1 Corinthians chapter seven, the Apostle Paul writes specifically about the gift of celibacy, offering a clear teaching for those who are given this special gift in order to be liberated for strategic Gospel service. Paul's point is clear. The obligations that are part and parcel of marriage are a matter of deep spiritual responsibility. A Christian who is married is, under the obligations of that sacred institution, less free to seize some opportunities for ministry that would be open to one who is unmarried.

Paul celebrates the gift of celibacy for Christian service, but he says nothing about those who simply would choose singleness as a lifestyle option. His concern was to see the Gospel preached throughout the world, even as the moral reputation of the Corinthian congregation was restored on matters of marriage and sexuality.

Furthermore, Paul speaks very specifically about the sexual aspect of marriage and instructs, "it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Cor. 7:9, NASB). I appreciate Paul's apostolic candor. He did not condemn sexual desire and sexual passion, but he directed the Corinthians — and us — to marriage as the proper arena for such passion to be expressed.

With all this in view, it would seem that the Bible offers two specific teachings about marriage that should frame our understanding and our engagement in the current debate.

First, marriage is presented as a sacred institution, a covenant made between the man and the woman before their Creator, and an arena in which the glory of God is demonstrated to the watching world through the goodness of the marital relationship, the one-flesh character of the marital bond, the holiness of marital sex, and the completeness that comes with the gift of children.

Second, the Bible presents celibacy as a gift — apparently a rare gift — that is granted to some believers in order that they would be liberated for special service in Christ's name. Paul's discussion of celibacy indicates that this gift is marked by the absence of lust and sexual desire that would compromise or complicate ministry as an unmarried person. Accordingly, those who have been given the gift of celibacy find in Christ the satisfactions others are given through marriage.

Paul privileges this gift of celibacy, stating that he would have many of the Corinthians demonstrate this gift and "remain even as I" (1 Cor. 7:8). Yet, most Christians in every age have been married — not celibate. Marriage has represented the norm for adult Christians in every generation since the time of Paul's writing. This is consistent with the purposes of marriage as laid out in the biblical pattern, and is acknowledged by Paul in numerous passages dealing with husbands and wives, parents and children, and qualifications for church leaders. Celibacy is a wonderful gift — a gift the whole church should celebrate — but it is a rare gift.

The Problem of Extended Adolescence

Now, to the hard part. Demographic trends, cultural shifts, and a weakening of the biblical concept of marriage have produced a situation in which marriage is in big trouble, even among many Christians. Divorce must be listed first among the ills that have befallen marriage in recent decades, but at the New Attitude Conference I was asked to address young singles who had not yet married. While the problem of divorce must always be acknowledged and confronted with biblical truth, in speaking to never-married single Christians my purpose was to point them to the glory of God in the comprehensive goodness of marriage. Speaking to that audience, I addressed a problem much closer at hand.

By any calculation, the statistics indicate that young adults are marrying much later in life than at any time in recent human history. As a matter of fact, demographers have suggested that this new pattern of delay in marriage has established a statistical pattern that in previous generations had been most closely associated with social crises like war and natural disaster.

Here are the plain facts: According to the 2000 U.S. Census, the first marriage for the average male is now at age 27. For white females, the age is slightly lower. This amounts to a delay that often has devastating consequences. With puberty coming at earlier ages than ever before — certainly in the early teens for most Americans — the period of time between sexual maturity and marriage is now stretching out into something like an average of 10 to 15 years. The accompanying statistics related to premarital sexual activity parallel the statistics related to the delay of marriage. Can anyone be surprised?

Other problems are closely associated with this delay of marriage. Speaking to this group of Christian young people — an outstanding group of young Christian disciples and leaders — I pointed to what sociologists now describe as "extended adolescence" — a period of life that now is extended well into the 20s and even early 30s by many young adults, often young men, who have trouble making the transition to adulthood.

I urged these young Christians to seize the biblical concept of marriage and all of its glory, to understand that God has set this covenant before them as expectation, and to channel their energies toward getting married, staying married, and showing God's glory in those marriages.

I shared with those who attended the conference my concern that this delay — the deliberate putting off of marriage even among some who intend some day to be married — was "the sin I think besets this generation." Continuing, I also made clear that this is primarily a problem that should be laid at the feet of young men. While some young women may neglect the call of marriage, a far greater problem is the unwillingness of many young men to grow up, take responsibility, lead, and find the woman God would have them to marry. As a rule, young women show far greater commitment to marriage, far greater maturity about marriage, and far greater frustration about the fact that marriage has been delayed. I thought I had made that point clearly — but perhaps not.

Is Singleness a Sin?

Those who attended the 2004 New Attitude Conference responded to my message on "The Mystery of Marriage" with a great deal of appreciation and receptivity. I was quickly surrounded by young men who had felt a brotherly kick to the seat of their pants, and by many young women who appreciated the fact that I had articulated what many of them had hoped to hear.

Nevertheless, the delayed reaction among some who did not attend the conference has been to the contrary. Weeks after I addressed the conference, much of the message was broadcast on FamilyLife Today, a national radio broadcast hosted by Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine. FamilyLife Today is an outstanding program, and I was very pleased that my message had been broadcast. It seems that others were less than enthusiastic.

Within weeks of that broadcast, a major critique of the message was offered by Camerin Courtney and posted at ChristianityToday.com. In her article, entitled "Is Singleness a Sin?," Ms. Courtney decided to respectfully let me have it. She suggested that I had offered "gross overgeneralizations" about single people, and she argued that most Christian singles "aren't delaying marriage due to selfish motives." Ms. Courtney went on to say that most singles she knows "earnestly desire to be married, are surprised and/or frustrated that they aren't yet, and are prayerfully trying to figure out how to get from here to there."

Most specifically, Ms. Courtney was offended by my suggestion that, except for those given the gift of celibacy, marriage is the God-given context for the achievement of maturity in adulthood. Many others have responded to that argument as well.

In the days following Ms. Courtney's article, I received a flood of e-mail messages and other contacts. Most have been very clear about their outrage, but also very thoughtful in suggesting exactly where they felt I had gone wrong. Interestingly, every single response to Ms. Courtney's article I have yet received has been written by a woman.

In reflecting on these messages and the points these very articulate and thoughtful women have raised, I am led to wonder if parts of the total message may have been edited or missing from the version they read or heard. But even if all the arguments were present, I wonder if some of them may have been missed or minimized.

In any event, the ensuing controversy affords all of us a good opportunity to look again at the biblical teachings concerning marriage and commit ourselves to accountability before God for the totality of our lives. Some of my respondents clearly missed the point concerning celibacy. But others still want to argue that intentional singleness — apparently without respect to celibacy — can be an acceptable lifestyle option for believers.

No, Singleness is Not a Sin

I stand unmoved, even more convinced that the argument I made at the New Attitude Conference is precisely correct.

Singleness is not a sin, but deliberate singleness on the part of those who know they have not been given the gift of celibacy is, at best, a neglect of a Christian responsibility. The problem may be simple sloth, personal immaturity, a fear of commitment, or an unbalanced priority given to work and profession. On the part of men, it may also take the shape of a refusal to grow up and take the lead in courtship. There are countless Christian women who are prayerfully waiting for Christian men to grow up and take the lead. What are these guys waiting for?

The delay of marriage has caused any number of ills in the larger society, and in the church. Honesty compels us to admit that this is indeed tied to levels of sexual promiscuity and frustration, even as it means that many persons are now marrying well into their adult years, missing the opportunity of growing together as a young couple, and putting parenthood potentially at risk.

Almost all of the women who have written me in response to this article have indicated their grief and frustration that they are not yet married. Not one has indicated in her message that she has intended from the beginning to be single and to remain single. To the contrary, each writer has affirmed her own commitment to marriage and to be married, and each has spoken of her personal frustration that her hopes have not been yet fulfilled.

Given this commitment and hope as articulated by these thoughtful young women, it should be clear that when I spoke of a pattern of sin in the delay of marriage, I was certainly not attributing that sin to them. To the contrary, as one who believes wholeheartedly in the biblical pattern of complementarity and in the male responsibility to lead, I charge young men with far greater responsibility for this failure. The extension of a "boy culture" into the 20s and 30s, along with a sense of uncertainty about the true nature of male leadership, has led many young men to focus on career, friends, sports, and any number of other satisfactions when they should be preparing themselves for marriage and taking responsibility to grow up, be the man, and show God's glory as husband and father.

Recovering A Biblical Vision of Marriage

I am not calling for high school students to marry, and I am certainly not suggesting that believers of any age should marry thoughtlessly, carelessly, and without sound spiritual judgment. But I am most emphatically arguing that this delay of marriage now presents the church with a critical test: We will either recover a full and comprehensive biblical vision of marriage in all of its glory, or we will soon find believers so accommodated to the culture around us that all we seek in our marriages is to do marginally better than what we see in the world.

Sensitivity demands that we understand the grief, frustration, and concern of Christian young adults struggling with this issue. They are the inheritors of a culture that has minimized marriage and has sent mixed messages concerning sex, gender, marriage, and all the rest. The full biblical vision of marriage was not, in the main, held before them from their earliest years at home, and was not encouraged and enriched as they grew through adolescence into adulthood. Many of them — especially many young women — feel victimized by this pattern, and they are frustrated by the reality.

Now is the time for the church to take this conversation to the next level. This generation of Christian young adults has the opportunity to seize the moment, reverse cultural trends, and show their elders the glory of marriage as God intended it from the beginning.

I stand by my argument — renewed in this conviction even by the controversy that has followed. At the same time, I'm going to be a good bit more careful to make clear that young men must accept most of the blame for this situation. I will also remind these young men that, armed with a biblical mandate and fueled by Christian passion, they can also be the vanguard for recovery.

Let's keep this conversation going, and encourage each other to pursue God's glory in every dimension of our lives — and to settle for nothing less.

The Truth about Love

David and Teresa Ferguson found that the heart of a marriage lies in the heart of the gospel
By Caryn D. Rivadeneira

When at age 16 David Ferguson and Teresa Carpenter decided they wanted to get married, they gave their parents an ultimatum: "Sign the consent form or we'll elope to Kansas." Their parents signed the form.

The morning after their wedding, one of David's buddies knocked on their motel room door; he wanted David to shoot some pool. So the newly married teenager left his sleeping bride without any clue as to where he went. Teresa woke up alone and walked to her parents' house, crying.

In his book The Great Commandment Principle (Tyndale), David writes, "Somehow Teresa and I survived that rocky beginning. But I had communicated through my behavior that she was not the only thing in my life—and not even the most important thing. Without the tools to deal with such deep insensitivity and selfishness on my part, Teresa buried her pain, and we simply carried on with life."

The chasm between them deepened as David first went off to college, then entered the ministry. Teresa dedicated herself to their children, and they both took care of everyone's needs but each other's. One night after years of increasing emotional distance, David asked Teresa if she loved him. Teresa said only that she felt "numb."

Though her response stunned David, it wasn't until he preached a sermon on Jesus' suffering and aloneness that he discovered what was missing in their marriage: Great Commandment Love. He describes it as "the application of the command to love the Lord with all of our heart and then to love our neighbors, beginning with our spouse. This is the critical component to experiencing the blessing of marriage as God intended." For the past 15 years, the Fergusons have worked through Intimate Life Ministries to help other couples avoid the trap of loneliness in their marriages.

How does Great Commandment Love improve marriages?

Teresa: I call it "in spite of" love. It means reaching out to your mate in spite of the hurt and anger you may feel and not letting that hinder your love. It's a good picture of God's unconditional love. He continues to reach out to us in spite of our actions.

That type of love doesn't come easily. How can couples be that selfless?

David: It involves the regular discipline of experiencing Romans 12:15: "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." So we might stop daily—at breakfast or when lying in bed at night—to reflect on something positive that happened that day. And then rejoice together about it.

And we ask each other if there's been a disappointment or something hurtful that day. If so, we connect by "mourning" those experiences together. That's what the Bible means by "it is not good for the man to be alone" (Gen. 2:18). We don't need to rejoice alone, and we don't need to mourn or hurt alone.

Why is Great Commandment Love so essential to experiencing marriage as God designed it?

David: 1 John 4:19 tells us we can love others because we have first been loved by God. He loves us through his initiative—he took the first steps. So I learn to take the initiative with Teresa—whether it's thinking of what might be on her heart or just thinking of her.
So we can't just sit around waiting for good things to happen in our marriage. We have to take the initiative to get things started.

Teresa: And one thing that makes that difficult is that sometimes we aren't well equipped to give what our spouse needs. For example, I grew up in a family of six kids, and my parents loved us, but they weren't able to demonstrate it. So when we got married, I didn't know how to show or tell David how much I loved him. He'd say, "Teresa, I love you." And I'd say, "I love you too." But what David wanted to hear was me initiating the "I love you, David."

What if we work overtime at initiating love and our spouses don't respond?

Teresa: Great Commandment Love is contagious. As David freely gave to me even when I wasn't responding in the way he desired, it motivated me. He was loving me whether he received anything in return or not.

When people tell me they don't feel loved by their spouses, I tell them to put love into the relationship. Whatever you need, give that very thing to your mate, and then continue to give it. Pretty soon you'll be content with your giving as God works to remind the other person what you gave.

David: During the first ten or twelve years of our marriage, our priorities with each other were really out of place. But once I began to prioritize Teresa in my time and my attention, God began to give back freely through Teresa by making me more of a priority in her life.

What if a spouse's heart has become numb, as Teresa's was, from years of neglect?

David: It used to be that when I'd find Teresa frustrated or upset about something, I'd say things like, "What's wrong with you now?" That didn't help, of course. Then I went through a period where I'd give her reasons why the frustrating thing might've happened. I was shocked when she told me it actually did not help for me to give her advice when she was upset.

Some days later God prompted me, when I came home to find her irritated about something, to say, "I can really see that you're hurting, and I want you to know that I care." I saw the immediate softening in her face, in her heart. And that brought us together.

Teresa: A hard heart is the result of no one caring, or feeling like no one cares. So whenever someone comes in with tenderness and care, it softens us.

Are you saying that identifying with a spouse's hurt can make him or her more loving?

David: Well it certainly takes away the person's aloneness. Adam actually had a full relationship with God at the time our Creator said aloneness was not good (Gen. 2:18). For years I believed that all I needed was God. I didn't acknowledge that I also needed Teresa.

But God addressed Adam's aloneness by supplying Eve. God intends marriage to be a relationship through which he removes a measure of our aloneness. And that begins to define a successful husband. It has nothing to do with trips we take or gifts we buy. A successful husband wonders, "Is my wife less alone this year than she has ever been?"

'A hard heart is the result of feeling like no one cares. So whenever someone comes in with tenderness and care, it softens us.' -Teresa Ferguson

What are the negative consequences of a spouse feeling alone?

David: There's nothing good that comes out of aloneness. We find ourselves vulnerable to temptation and compromise. We're more likely to escape into sometimes good things like ministry or computers or entertainment, or even in destructive things like addictions.

Teresa: One of the consequences for me was false guilt. I felt guilty over needing David when he was out doing "the Lord's work." But the guilt was false because my need for him was valid.

David: Not long ago, Teresa and I were helping a couple work through the pain of infidelity. The husband had been busy, off doing his thing, and the wife looked after the children. Their two sons were stars on the soccer team, and the mom would rejoice on the sidelines over their success. The next school term a new student joined the team, and his single dad also rejoiced along the sidelines. It wasn't long until this wife was rejoicing together with the single dad. And you see where the pain of her aloneness took her.

When we feel alone, how can we reach out to our spouses?

Teresa: One time David came in after working late, and I was feeling alone. Normally I'd complain, "Why are you always late? Why can't you come home on time?" Of course, that never helped either one of us get in touch with my real needs.

So when David and I were lying in bed that night, I reached over, touched him and said, "Sweetheart, I see how busy you've been and all the neat things you're doing. I'm proud of you. And yet I'm feeling alone. Is there something we can look forward to doing together this week?"
David responded well and my need was met. Too much of the time we attack the person and the behavior instead of getting in touch with "What is it I'm really feeling and needing?"

Intimacy is a problem partly because it's difficult to know how to meet our mate's needs. When we feel distant, how can we move closer together?

David: One way is to understand one another well enough that you know some of your partner's key needs, and to realize that those needs often are different from yours. The Bible says husbands should live with their wives in an understanding way (1 Pet. 3:7). A part of my understanding Teresa is realizing she has high needs for security, attention and acceptance. For instance, when we travel she needs to feel secure that there's enough time to get to the airport and find a parking place and that there will be enough luggage room in the airplane. When those needs are met, she's relaxed and fulfilled. There's a closeness between us. I can help meet her needs when I know her well.

Teresa: Early in our marriage, we were trying to work through this dilemma of how to come closer when we felt distant. My pattern would be to put my walls of protection up whenever I was hurt. Not share my needs.

But one day I told David, "You know, whenever I'm pushing you away the most, don't let me. That's when I need you to be the most aggressive and come toward me." I was asking him in the midst of my rejecting him to pursue me. That's a pretty tall order. But it's a great picture of how God entered into our world even when we didn't know that we needed him.

In a close relationship like marriage, it's easy to be hurt again and again and to start holding a grudge. How does forgiveness figure into intimacy?

Teresa: When you're harboring unforgiveness, love can't flow the way it needs to. An example is when David asked me if I loved him and I told him I was numb. This was largely the result of my being hurt, not forgiving him and then holding the hurt inside. That is a great barrier to intimacy.

David: Think about Ephesians 4:32, which says, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." When forgiveness isn't there, then kindness, tenderheartedness and compassion are stifled. Anger and resentment and bitterness accumulate when unforgiveness hinders us from being kind, tenderhearted and compassionate.
If you've got hurt bottled up inside, if you're feeling distant from one another, if little things lead to big fights, then start working on forgiveness. That's what opens the door to giving each other the love you've both been wanting.

When Your Loved One Doesn't Love God

It's possible to be 'unequally yoked' yet still stay close—while you wait

By Nancy Kennedy

With every new year, Lisa hopes, "Maybe this is the year my husband will become a Christian." Meanwhile, she sits with her kids in church trying not to feel resentful as she watches other families—husband, wife and 2.3 children—filling the pews around her.

"I have to fight the lump in my throat," she says. "My mind races: I'm angry and worried and scared all at the same time. I try not to think about it, but what if he dies tonight? I get so tired of praying and waiting. And I'm tired of the tension at home, especially on Sunday mornings. I know it's wrong, but as I sit and count the couples, I can't help thinking, 'Why doesn't God do something!'"

In the past 20 years, I've often asked that question. The answer, of course, is that God is doing something—and he's keeping and sustaining me within my "unequal yoke."

That term comes from 2 Corinthians 6:14, where Paul admonishes Christians not to pair themselves with a "different kind." Unless a yoked team of oxen moves at the same pace and travels in the same direction, the yoke chokes one and pinches the other. The marriage of a believer to an unbeliever often hinders the believer's life with God and can cause both partners pain and discomfort.

Barry and I were unbelievers when we married, and back then a relationship with God was the last thing on our minds. Three years went by filled with partying, softball and the birth of our first daughter. Then I prayed a simple prayer that changed my life forever.

Unfortunately for Barry, I was an obnoxious "Jesus freak" right from the start. I didn't "share" my faith; I pushed and shoved. I wrote the handbook on how not to win your spouse to Christ. I trumpeted my every minute change: "See how loving and humble I am?" I prayed loudly in Barry's presence and made sure he knew he was a sinner destined for hell. I gave him every gospel tract I could find and added a Bible verse at the end of my notes to him.

Not surprisingly, we were soon at odds. I blamed our problems on his unholiness and his ungodly friends; he said I was a lunatic. One minute I'd be blasting Christian music and scattering opened Bibles around the house, the next I'd be crying and pleading with him to go to church with me.

When he wouldn't go, I'd sulk and make him sorry. He was sorry all right—sorry he married me. I wanted a Christian husband (preferably him); he wanted his old wife back, Jesus-free.

Then I read a book on prayer that challenged my whole approach. I decided, "That's it! I'll pray for Barry for the next 80 years, if that's what it takes. And I'm going to love him. Period." That was 19 years ago, and I'm still praying, but I'm no longer pining away in self-absorbed isolation waiting for his salvation to bring us fulfillment. I've decided that if it takes 80 years, then I want those years to be enjoyable for both of us—despite our spiritual differences.

God Doesn't Make Mistakes

When I came to faith in Christ and Barry didn't, I thought God had made a huge mistake. Two serving the Lord made much more sense. But I knew God never makes mistakes.

I came to realize that God "purposely positioned" me in my unequal yoke, to borrow from Jo Berry, author of Beloved Unbeliever (Zondervan). As an unbeliever, I hadn't married in disobedience. As I realized that God was the designer of my marriage, I relaxed my spiritual choke-hold on Barry.

Author and speaker Jeanne Hendricks pointed out to me that unbelieving spouses are actually in a privileged position, set apart in God's eyes because of their union with believers (1 Cor. 7:14). They share our blessings because God sees a couple as one flesh. She believes Christian spouses should see their role as a ministry given by God. Her thinking changes the whole tone of the relationship from burden to blessing.

Knowing it's an honor to be married to Barry doesn't take away the ache of not being able to share the most important part of my life with him. But it helps to remember that loneliness also happens between Christian spouses—whenever individuals seek ultimate fulfillment in each other, instead of in God.

For me, knowing that the Lord is my Husband (Isa. 54:5) takes away the sting of being alone. He can fill the needs that Barry can't. It's when I stop relying on God and start isolating myself at home, doing "spiritual" things while Barry does something "worldly" like watch a ball game, that I feed my loneliness and create division. It helps to reason that even if my husband were the most committed Christian, he still wouldn't meet all of my deepest needs.
A House Undivided

"Sometimes the sight of him just makes me want to scream!" confided a friend recently. "When I see empty beer cans on the sink and he's watching trashy TV shows, I can't help thinking of him as the enemy."

Another friend said, "I worry about my kids. If Daddy doesn't go to church, will they grow up thinking they don't have to? Every once in a while, my husband will plan something fun on a Sunday, like a trip to the arcade, and say, 'Okay, who wants to go to church with Mom and who wants to race go-karts with Dad?'"

"Expect your spouse to be unreasonable about spiritual things," writes Jo Berry. "[Your] godliness is threatening, convicting and confusing." But that doesn't make an unbeliever the enemy. In the chronicle of her own marriage, Bebe Nicholson warns that such an attitude will sabotage your relationship and ruin even the best efforts to be effective examples of Christ's love (When a Believer Marries a Nonbeliever [Priority Publishing]). Self-pity, Nicholson writes, projects the attitude, "I could've done better in the marriage department" and is a refusal to accept God's sovereignty in all matters. Self-righteousness not only hinders compassion but, if left unchecked, easily turns to contempt and hatred.

Ethics and the Unequal Yoke

Say your unbelieving spouse asks you to cheat on your income tax, uses foul language, tells off-color jokes or belittles your faith in front of the children. What do you do? Gary Oliver, executive director of the Center for Marriage and Family Studies at John Brown University, gives this advice:

1. Avoid knee-jerk reactions. Think and pray things through. Consider past confrontations: what worked then? Don't confront at the moment, especially in public, and never attack.
2. Communicate as an individual. Say, "This is the conviction I have." That allows you to state your beliefs without forcing your faith or "being weird for Jesus."
3. Don't make a big deal of it. Especially with off-color jokes or conversation topics, just say, "I'd prefer not to hear it." Offer a joke of your own. For men, especially, humor is a way of showing affection.
4. Be flexible. Tolerate things that may be distasteful, as long as it doesn't cause you to sin.
5. Appeal to your spouse's sense of fair play. When it comes to issues involving the children, approach your mate on the basis of what's fair. Most unbelieving spouses are eventually fair when it comes to their kids.
6. Pray, pray, pray.

Jo Berry points out, "You and your spouse are both sinners. The only difference is one of you is saved and the other one is not. But that doesn't make the unsaved any less of a person or less deserving of dignity and respect." On the contrary. Believers are called to have the same attitude Christ had when he humbled himself and lived among sinners, considering others better than ourselves (Phil. 2:3-4).

Created to Love

"I felt helpless," said my friend Ron, talking about the time before his wife, Kerri, became a Christian. "I couldn't transform her heart." No matter how hard we try, we can't coerce, sweet-talk or plead our spouse into a relationship with God. No one comes to Christ unless the Father draws him (John 6:44). To me, that's good news. I can focus on my responsibility: to love Barry.

"God created us to be lovers," writes Nicholson. "The more we love God, the more open our hearts are to loving each other. … The strength of our love for our partner can draw [him] toward Christ and bring glory to God." Until that happens, there are some practical things believers can do to help bridge the spiritual gap and help themselves stay spiritually strong.

Live in the now

Accept your relationship for what it is and concentrate on cultivating peace and happiness. Instead of striving to alter your circumstances, set your mind on enjoying your life. Find what's good now and build on it.

Live your faith with integrity

Let your spouse see that genuine Christianity isn't blind allegiance to a set of rigid standards, but a process of growth and change. Ron said Kerri had seen him fail to make good on promised changes before he became a Christian. But when she saw he wasn't going back to his old ways, she became interested.

Let your actions speak

The loudest form of evangelism is a life that's changed. Gary Oliver, executive director of the Center for Marriage and Family Studies at John Brown University, counsels believers to show Christ in the little things, like taking out the trash and vacuuming. Ed, a man at the local gym who's now a believer, told me his wife was always kind when he was harsh with her, and that drove him crazy. "Joanne wouldn't say a word, but I knew it was Jesus that kept her from blowing up at me."

Honor your marriage

"I let my husband know I'm glad I'm married to him," said Margaret, "and I never talk about him without him knowing about it first." At Bible study, Julie told me she honors her unequal-yoke marriage by not filling her calendar with church events. She and the kids go to Sunday morning services, and she attends Bible study and events like MOPS during the week. But when her husband is home, he's her priority.

Jeanne Hendricks adds, "It might not be easy, but it speaks volumes when you let your spouse know, 'I like you as a person.' When wives honor their husbands by making them feel appreciated and good about themselves just as they are, it often softens their hearts to the things of God."

Find common ground and have fun together

My friend Jodi makes a list of things she and her husband enjoy: swimming, watching Star Trek movies, vintage cars and sex.

Stay affectionate

Gary Oliver says both sexual and nonsexual touch are important and cautions (women especially) against shutting down physically. "Although it's difficult for women to remain open physically when they feel they can't share the most important part of who they are, men especially need touch. Sexual touch reaches him at his core. When a wife enjoys her husband, he feels loved, valued and appreciated."

Pray hard

Prayer is our link to God's presence, power, wisdom and comfort. You might pray for conviction of sin and godly sorrow that leads to repentance (2 Cor. 7:10); that God will take a spouse's heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh (Ezek. 36:26); wisdom, courage, discernment and opportunities to speak.
Cultivate your relationship with Christ

It's crucial to maintain Christian fellowship, Bible reading and prayer. If you can, join a small group and have them pray with you for your unsaved mate.
Don't give up hope

God knows what he's doing, and he knows those who are his (2 Tim. 2:19). Trust that he will do what's best for you and your spouse. We have this hope: "God is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance" (2 Pet. 3:9). That means there's hope for your spouse—and hope for mine.



Resources

• Beloved Unbeliever, by Jo Berry (Zondervan). The classic Christian book on this subject—designed for personal use or use in a support group.
• Lord, I Wish My Husband Would Pray with Me, by Larry Keefauver (Creation House). A book for couples who are spiritually mismatched—even if both are actually believers.
• When a Believer Marries a Nonbeliever, by Bebe Nicholson (Priority). An encouraging personal story—with a happy ending.
• Nancy Kennedy is the author of several books, including Honey, They're Playing Our Song (Multnomah). She and Barry live in Inverness, Florida.