What Iron Man and Batman Say about Us (For Man)

Dan Johnson

He has showed you, Oh man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8

Two summer blockbusters tell us more about ourselves than we realize. The first movie, Iron Man, is an adaptation of Marvel Comic’s series about billionaire weapons maker Tony Stark who dons a suit of armor to fight those who use his technology to hurt others. The irony is that Stark’s product is weaponry, which always kills and destroys regardless of the intentions or ideologies of the user. Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) is forced to overcome his own self-indulgence and lack of concern for others when thrown – literally, blown – into a world of realistic suffering.

The second movie is The Dark Knight. In the new Batman movie, we witness an all-too-human hero (Christian Bale) whose fight against evil is really a reflection of his internal struggle for a healthy heart and mind after personal tragedy. In The Dark Knight, as in all Batman movies, crime plagues the city and an evil nemesis shows up to wreak havoc, to test and tempt the heart of the superhero before the final fight begins.

Iron Man and Batman have two obvious similarities: both have “man” in their names; “man” is the last three letters of HUMAN. We all struggle with a dark side and have to get up each day and overcome it with God’s help. Like these two heroes, the only hope we have is by putting on a suit of armor (see Ephesians 6:13) which gives us the attitude, the mindset and the internal power of the Holy Spirit to generate supernatural living.

Like our superheroes, we want to see justice in the world. The thought that we could do something about world hunger, child abuse and exploitation, and AIDS makes our hearts beat fast. Good people are angered by the pain and despair of others. Watching movies about superheroes and loving mercy may cause us to think, but we must move on to doing justice.

Are you like Batman, praying to overcome the dark side in your own life so you’ll be ready to fight the good fight when called upon? Are you like Tony Stark before the change of heart, focused on your wants and desires? Or, perhaps you are already on a mission to do as much good and help as many people as you can? Today is a great day to put down the popcorn, suit up and start living before the movie is over.

Going Deeper:

1. The Bible teaches that we can do “all things” through God. What do you need to overcome to feel ready for a new assignment?
2. What are your strengths and how are they being used today?

Further Reading: Ephesians 6

A Biblical View of Feminine Beauty

By Carolyn Mahaney and Nicole Whitacre

Last week, the Mahaney women discussed the finer points of having a modest and pure heart (read Fashion and Following the Savior here). But does modesty leave room for the outward beauty we all desire? This week, Carolyn and daughter Nicole go to the Word to find out...

Carolyn: Now that we've established that modesty begins in the heart, it's time to consider what it means for our wardrobe. What's a modest girl to wear? Once again, let's turn to our 1 Timothy 2: 9 passage. Here Paul instructs the women to clothe themselves in "respectable apparel."

Now let me set your mind at ease. Adorning ourselves in "respectable apparel" doesn't mean we must restrict ourselves exclusively to cheap, out of style, unattractive clothing. Paul is not saying that gold or pearls or braiding are forbidden. In fact, you will find other places in Scripture where godly women wore fine clothing and jewelry.

For example, the Proverbs 31 woman - who is put forth in the Bible as a model for biblical womanhood - wore colorful, high-quality clothing (Pr. 31:22). We read where the bride in Song of Solomon adorned her appearance with jewelry (S of S 1:10). We are told that Esther underwent 12 months of beauty treatments - 6 months with oil of myrrh and 6 with perfumes and cosmetics (Es. 2:12).

So we are not to take this verse to mean that godly women should try as hard as they can to be out of style and unattractive. No! Quite the opposite. God is the creator of beauty. God delights in beauty. All we need to verify this fact is to consider the beauty He created all around us: whether it is an elegant flower, or towering trees, or a meandering river, or billowy clouds or the majestic night sky. Every time we stop to take in one of these breathtaking scenes on display in God's creation, we can't help but be convinced that He delights in beauty!

And because we are created in the image of our Creator, each of us has this propensity to make things beautiful. That means, when we decorate our homes, or plant a lovely flower garden, or seek to add some form of beauty to our surroundings, even when we attempt to enhance our personal appearance - we are actually imitating and delighting in the works of our Great Creator.

Now granted, these activities can be sinfully implemented; but still, we must not overlook the fact that the essence of our desire to beautify comes from God. John Angell James in his book, Female Piety (first published in 1860), offers this helpful thought:

This taste [for beauty], however in many cases it may be altogether corrupted in its object, wrong in its principle, or excessive in its degree, is in its own nature an imitation of the workmanship of God, who, "by his Spirit has garnished the heavens," and covered the earth with beauty.

Now hopefully we have convincing proof that our desire to enhance our appearance isn't wrong, that "respectable apparel" does not have to be dowdy or out of style. So what exactly does Paul mean by "respectable apparel"?

Nicole: In 1 Timothy 2:9, Paul insists that the women "adorn themselves with respectable apparel" and not with gold, pearls or braids. If Paul was not forbidding stylish clothing or banning jewelry, what was he getting at?

To the women of this first century church, Paul writes to warn them against imitating the dress and adornment of the ladies of the Roman court and the prostitutes. These women were known for their extremely expensive, showy clothes and ridiculously elaborate hairstyles. They dressed, not only to attract attention, but to seduce as well. Paul does not want the women of the church to dress in this manner and thus be a distraction during the church service, or at any other time.

What he is condemning is not attractive attire, but the association with worldly and ungodly values. Women who profess godliness, he says, should not dress in such a way that resembles those who are extravagant, or worse, intent on being seductive or sexy. Simply put, we are not to identify with our sinful, worldly culture through our dress.

So, the question for us is this: Who are we seeking to imitate or be like in our dress? Who inspires our wardrobe? Are we preoccupied with looking like the latest American Idol winner or the actresses and music stars on magazine covers, or the immodest woman next door?

A while back, I saw a few minutes of one of the innumerable makeover stories on television (I'm surprised we haven't all been "made over" by now!). Two women were going to receive a new look. One of them wanted to look exactly like Jennifer Anniston, and the other like Jennifer Garner as I recall. These two ladies (who, I'm sorry to say, didn't look a bit like the actresses they so admired) were just gushing about how much they admired everything about these glamorous stars—their style, their way of walking, their clothing, their hair. It might have been comical if it wasn't so sad.

Most of us are not trying to look exactly like a famous actress—we know it's a lost cause! However, if we are seeking to imitate the sexually enticing clothing of the women in our culture, we are no different than these two wannabes. That is why Paul's message is urgent—not just for the original recipients of his letter, but for us today. He doesn't want the women in the church looking exactly like the ungodly, seductive women in the world.

Women in the church are to be different from the world. We should be stand-outs—not because of our revealing clothing, but because of our distinctly modest heart and dress.

No Greater Love

By Kathi Macias

When Jesus walked the earth, He talked a lot about love; more importantly, He modeled it. For instance, one of His most famous sayings about love is found in John 15:13: "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends." He showed us what that sort of love looked like when He hung on the Cross, dying for a lost and sin-sick world.

Many have followed in Christ's self-sacrificing footsteps over the years and centuries. The term "martyr," from the Greek for "witness," was first used in reference to the Apostles. But as persecution of Christians increased, the term was used for all Christians who gave up their lives rather than deny their Lord. The second-century Church Father Tertullian declared that the "blood of the martyrs is the seed of the Church," meaning that believers' willing sacrifice of their lives drew others to faith in Jesus Christ.

Many of us have heard the valiant stories of those martyrs of the early Church, but the truth is that more Christians have died for their faith since 1900 than in all the previous centuries of Christendom combined. Even today, at this very moment, someone somewhere is suffering for love of Christ.

But what about those of us who live in countries where persecution to the point of imprisonment, torture, or death has not yet invaded our lives? We are grateful for that freedom of worship, of course, and hopefully we are praying for and supporting those Christians less fortunate. But does that mean we have no opportunity to show others the great love that is our birthright as believers, that love that is evidenced in selfless living?

Not at all. And what better time of year to consider that sort of love than during the month of February, when hearts and flowers abound and romance fills the air?

Li Ying is one of my personal heroes. A devout believer, she lives in China, where she is currently serving a ten-year sentence for distributing Christian writings to children. Separated from her family and working long hours in a labor camp, this courageous young woman has yet to literally lay down her life for her beliefs, but she daily pays a heavy price for remaining faithful.

Danny is another one of my heroes. He is seven-year-old boy with cerebral palsy and a passion for Jesus. In his halting way, he tells everyone he meets about the great love of the One who died for sinners. Though his awkward speech and mannerisms often result in Danny's being the butt of many jokes, particularly from his peers, he doesn't let that stop him. Greater love drives him on.

Ruby is yet another hero I greatly admire. This feisty octogenarian can only get around with the help of a walker, and even then her painful arthritis makes her movements slow and arduous. But Ruby refuses to give up or give in when it comes to taking every possible opportunity to model God's love to those who so desperately need to see it.

Pastor McDonald ranks right up there at the top of my hero list too. He and his wife have served Jesus for decades, though they've never built a huge church building or hosted a TV program to proclaim the gospel. Instead they have faithfully preached of God's love and mercy, week after week, month after month, year after year, to their grateful congregation of poor and homeless in the old part of town. As a result, the McDonalds still live in a tiny apartment above the sanctuary where they have worked and served since the early days of their marriage. No one in need of a meal or a bed or a prayer is ever turned away, though it often means the pastor and his wife do without themselves. But as they are so well known for saying, "It's what Jesus would have done."

There is no end to the list of heroes out there, people who are willing to model God's great love and lay down their own lives—whether literally or figuratively—for others. But what about us? Do we live in such a way that people can see that great and selfless love of Christ operating in and through us?

It's a question I've asked myself many times. Sometimes the answer isn't exactly what I want to hear.

My 88-year-old mother lives with us, and I am her primary caretaker. At times that's not an easy job, particularly when balancing it with a fulltime writing/editing career and all the other responsibilities that go with life in general. To be truthful, at times it's so difficult and stressful that I want to run out the door and not look back. But it all came into perspective one day when I least expected it.

I had been praying for direction in my own life and ministry when I heard the Lord whisper to my heart, "Somebody has to set up the chairs." I knew the Lord was stressing the need to serve others in ministry, so I readily agreed.

Then, a few weeks later, I was running at breakneck speed, trying to accomplish far too many things in far too little time, when I realized there was yet another detail I needed to attend to for my mom. That's when I caught myself grumbling—and I didn't like the sound of it at all.

"Forgive me, Lord," I whispered.

Somebody has to set up the chairs, came the answer.

Stunned, I realized God wanted me to understand that my day-by-day—sometimes moment-by-moment—decisions to serve others weren't restricted to serving those in fulltime ministry, but also those with whom I interacted all the time. I realized too that the selfless choices required for that sort of service can be much more difficult than what I had considered the "big sacrifices."

It's a lesson I try to keep at the center of my thoughts each day, and particularly now that Valentine's Day, the so-called holiday of love, is upon us. If we really want to model Christ-like love, the greatest love that submits its own desires to God and gives itself away for the sake of others, then we would do well to remember that someone has to set up the chairs—and then do it without grumbling.

Why not start with someone close to you? Instead of (or in addition to) giving a box of chocolates or a bouquet of roses, ask God to show you a way to "lay down your life" as an act of selfless love toward that person—not just on Valentine's Day, but throughout the year.

10 Ways to Be Marriable

By Suzanne Hadley

A few years ago I was visiting my parents when I caught my mom with some interesting reading material: Marriable by Hayley and Michael DiMarco. She divulged a few of the book's insights and assured me that I was on track. When you're working toward something, whether obtaining a degree, succeeding in a career or finding a life partner, it's not a bad idea to study how others have done it — and done it well.

With this in mind, I informally interviewed a dozen married couples to find out what drew them to their spouses and what made them stick around. These 10 characteristics rose to the top.

(Note: Some names have been changed to protect couples' privacy.)

1. Contentment. When Nathan met Kelsey, he noticed her beautiful smile and the fact that she was satisfied with her life. "She wasn't desperate to get married," he says. "Kelsey had two plans for life: one that included a spouse and one that did not. That told me that she was content with whatever God brought her way."

Jessica caught Jim's attention the moment she walked into the room. "She acted differently than most people — reserved and modest, not showing off her obvious beauty," he says. As Jim got to know her through the outdoor activities they enjoyed doing together, he noticed her self-assurance. "She wasn't looking, but she wasn't resistant either. I got along with her very well, and it seemed that she wasn't trying too hard to be the person I wanted."

2. Initiative. Josh found many things to love about Danielle, including her stunning auburn locks, but the thing that most caught his attention was that she was living her life with purpose. She had graduated from college and was succeeding in her career as an exhibition design assistant at a big city art museum.

"Some girls I knew were sitting around waiting for this wealthy, good-looking man to take care of them," Josh says. "Danielle was living life to the fullest and that attracted me to her.

"I thought, If a girl is sitting on the couch at home all day at her parents, will she sit on the couch all day as my wife? In Danielle, I could see a glimpse into the future and knew she would carry the same passion and energy she had for God, our church and her job into marriage. As it turns out, I was right."

Similarly, Gretta, who was friends with her husband, Jay, for three years before they began dating, noted his work ethic. "He was determined to do well at whatever he set out to do," she says. "He was reading books on relationships, talking to trusted married friends and seeking wise counsel. I saw in his work life how he wanted to excel. He would do whatever it took to get the job done, and he applied that same determination to our relationship."

3. Kindness. Johanna was first attracted to Paul because of the friendliness and kindness he showed to everyone, not just her. "And I thought he was a hottie," she adds. After they were married, Johanna discovered that Paul's kind heart extended to financial generosity as well. "He gives way more than the standard," she says.

4. Consistency. Kelsey knew she wanted to marry Nathan when she was grocery shopping with him for a dorm section event in college. They weren't even dating. "I thought to myself, I could shop with Nathan for the rest of my life!" Kelsey knew Nathan for two years before they began dating. "He was consistent," she says. "He was the same person no matter who he was around or what situation he was in."

5. Optimism. Gavin and Jamie met while working together at the same church. "I guess it was natural I would take a second glance at someone who was my age, cute and single," Gavin says.

But once they began dating, he discovered something else. "She'd lived through some rough times growing up (like me). Yet somehow, she'd come out on the other side with a remarkably positive attitude about life and an unshakeable faith."

Even when Gavin lost his job, and thought that might end their relationship — "Who wants to date a guy who just lost his fulltime income, right?" — Jamie was supportive and encouraged him in the next step. That pattern has continued into their marriage.

6. Commitment. When Josh began attending Lindy's church and quickly committed himself to the worship and leadership teams, Lindy was impressed. It was also a "happy coincidence" because she was on the same teams, which meant they got to see each other three times a week. Josh demonstrated the same kind of dedication as he pursued Lindy for marriage. "He's a man of integrity who knows how to make a commitment," she says.

7. Spiritual Passion. Krista believes God told her to marry her husband, Craig. "I quite willingly agreed!" she says. "When I was growing up, my mom told me to pray for a husband who is passionate about God. I did, and I got him! I am able to respect Craig because he listens to God and obeys His voice."

From the first time they met, Melissa loved Brock's green eyes. The kind of guy who would buy her a trinket she liked or plan a fun outing together, it was Brock's devotion to Christ that ultimately won Melissa's heart. "His desire to know Jesus and develop a closer relationship with Him was evident through the dating process," she says. "He has a very strong commitment to the Lord."

8. Humility. Christine met her husband, Mike, via their blogs, and eventually moved to Australia to marry him. Among his many good qualities, Christine says of Mike: "He is open about his flaws and sincerely repents of his wrongs. I can see his tender heart constantly being shaped by the Holy Spirit to become more like Christ."

Josh's humility "really got my attention," Danielle says. "I'd been around a lot of men who were full of pride, who never gave heartfelt apologies or thought they were wrong. Josh had a humble spirit, and I really loved that about him." She's discovered that this humility also allows Josh to be a good leader of their home.

9. Faith. Shy and reserved, Sarah might have never talked to Andrew if he hadn't sat by her at a college ice cream social and struck up a conversation. But as she got to know him, she noticed his deep trust in the Lord. "I knew Andrew would make a good spouse because of his commitment to being a godly man and the way he trusted the Lord for all of his needs. That was a trust that I saw the Lord rewarding time and again as He provided exactly what we needed at the moment."

10. Perseverance. Rebecca and her husband, Kade, had a long, difficult engagement. "I experienced so much grace, love and truth-telling," Rebecca says. "I felt completely valued and loved in a way I never had before, and I saw Kade persevere in the challenge of relating to my parents, who didn't like him."

Mike heard about his wife, Jessica's, "brains and beauty" before he ever even met her. When they did meet, he was hooked. But five months after they began dating, Jessica went on a year-long mission trip to a country with limited Internet and phone access. While she was away, Mike got up at 4 a.m. many mornings to chat with her online, spent a fortune on calling cards and even visited twice, staying for two months in the summer.

"Then I knew he would not only support my dreams but join me in them," Jessica says.

"Throughout our relationship, Jessica was committed and loyal," Mike adds. "We had a saying 'up and to the right' (like the trend you want to see in the stock market). As time passed our love for each other continued to grow. Marriage has its ups and downs. Being able to make it through the downs is what strengthens a relationship."

Each of the above 10 characteristics was mentioned again and again — by people who know. This list is certainly not comprehensive, but based on the fact that most of the couples interviewed have been married for between five and 10 years, these qualities seem to be good indicators not only of "mate" potential but of success in married life.

Getting married and staying married isn't always easy, but solid character is a good foundation for both.

Reflecting on "The Mystery of Marriage"

By Dr. Albert Mohler

Well, at least I know how to strike a nerve. A couple of years ago, I delivered a major address on marriage to the 2004 New Attitude Conference organized by Joshua Harris, author of influential books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Not Even a Hint. Those attending the conference seemed to receive the message with great appreciation, but a rather significant reaction has come from those who take issue with what I had to say.

Speaking on "The Mystery of Marriage," I tried to address the modern crisis of marriage from a biblical point of view. With marriage in eclipse — both in the culture and in some sectors of the church — I sounded an alarm directed specifically at young single adults who, by their very attendance at this conference, already showed that they shared this concern. With background issues including controversy over same-sex marriage, rampant divorce, and demographic trends indicating significant dangers for the institution of marriage, I went back to the basics.

Drawing from the creation account and other significant biblical passages, I sought to demonstrate that the Bible presents a conception of marriage that goes far beyond what most persons have even imagined. According to the Bible, marriage is not primarily about our self-esteem and personal fulfillment, nor is it just one lifestyle option among others. The Bible is clear in presenting a picture of marriage that is rooted in the glory of God made evident in creation itself. The man and the woman are made for each other and the institution of marriage is given to humanity as both opportunity and obligation.

From Genesis to Revelation, the Bible assumes that marriage is normative for human beings. The responsibilities, duties, and joys of marriage are presented as matters of spiritual significance. From a Christian perspective, marriage must never be seen as a mere human invention — an option for those who choose such a high level of commitment — for it is an arena in which God's glory is displayed in the right ordering of the man and the woman, and their glad reception of all that marriage means, gives, and requires.

The Marginalization of Marriage

Clearly, something has gone badly wrong in our understanding of marriage. This is not only reflected in much of the conversation and literature about marriage found in the secular world, but in many Christian circles as well. The undermining of marriage — or at least its reduction to something less than the biblical concept — is also evident in the way many Christians marry, and in the way others fail to marry.

In the larger culture of confusion, marriage is seen by some persons as an option for those who "need" it. Radical feminists have attacked marriage as a hopelessly patriarchal institution, binding women to home and family in what Betty Friedan called "domestic captivity." A revolution in the law has made divorce easy and quick, undermining the marital bond and redefining marriage as a tentative commitment.

Some of these who desire marriage are driven by the wrong desires. Some are looking for social benefits as others see marriage as a form of self-expression. By any measure, marriage is in trouble.

All this cries out for biblical correction, and Christians must resist the accommodationist temptation to accept the marginalization of marriage.

This generation of young Christians must lead the way in the recovery of the biblical vision, and build a Christian counter-culture that puts marriage back at the center of human life and Christian living. The young people who attended the New Attitude Conference represent a great hope for such a recovery. The heart-felt yearning for marriage so movingly communicated by those who have sent me such pointed responses to my message indicates that these young Christians are also committed to be agents of such a Christian recovery.

The Gift of Celibacy

There is one significant qualification about marriage found in the Scriptures. In 1 Corinthians chapter seven, the Apostle Paul writes specifically about the gift of celibacy, offering a clear teaching for those who are given this special gift in order to be liberated for strategic Gospel service. Paul's point is clear. The obligations that are part and parcel of marriage are a matter of deep spiritual responsibility. A Christian who is married is, under the obligations of that sacred institution, less free to seize some opportunities for ministry that would be open to one who is unmarried.

Paul celebrates the gift of celibacy for Christian service, but he says nothing about those who simply would choose singleness as a lifestyle option. His concern was to see the Gospel preached throughout the world, even as the moral reputation of the Corinthian congregation was restored on matters of marriage and sexuality.

Furthermore, Paul speaks very specifically about the sexual aspect of marriage and instructs, "it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Cor. 7:9, NASB). I appreciate Paul's apostolic candor. He did not condemn sexual desire and sexual passion, but he directed the Corinthians — and us — to marriage as the proper arena for such passion to be expressed.

With all this in view, it would seem that the Bible offers two specific teachings about marriage that should frame our understanding and our engagement in the current debate.

First, marriage is presented as a sacred institution, a covenant made between the man and the woman before their Creator, and an arena in which the glory of God is demonstrated to the watching world through the goodness of the marital relationship, the one-flesh character of the marital bond, the holiness of marital sex, and the completeness that comes with the gift of children.

Second, the Bible presents celibacy as a gift — apparently a rare gift — that is granted to some believers in order that they would be liberated for special service in Christ's name. Paul's discussion of celibacy indicates that this gift is marked by the absence of lust and sexual desire that would compromise or complicate ministry as an unmarried person. Accordingly, those who have been given the gift of celibacy find in Christ the satisfactions others are given through marriage.

Paul privileges this gift of celibacy, stating that he would have many of the Corinthians demonstrate this gift and "remain even as I" (1 Cor. 7:8). Yet, most Christians in every age have been married — not celibate. Marriage has represented the norm for adult Christians in every generation since the time of Paul's writing. This is consistent with the purposes of marriage as laid out in the biblical pattern, and is acknowledged by Paul in numerous passages dealing with husbands and wives, parents and children, and qualifications for church leaders. Celibacy is a wonderful gift — a gift the whole church should celebrate — but it is a rare gift.

The Problem of Extended Adolescence

Now, to the hard part. Demographic trends, cultural shifts, and a weakening of the biblical concept of marriage have produced a situation in which marriage is in big trouble, even among many Christians. Divorce must be listed first among the ills that have befallen marriage in recent decades, but at the New Attitude Conference I was asked to address young singles who had not yet married. While the problem of divorce must always be acknowledged and confronted with biblical truth, in speaking to never-married single Christians my purpose was to point them to the glory of God in the comprehensive goodness of marriage. Speaking to that audience, I addressed a problem much closer at hand.

By any calculation, the statistics indicate that young adults are marrying much later in life than at any time in recent human history. As a matter of fact, demographers have suggested that this new pattern of delay in marriage has established a statistical pattern that in previous generations had been most closely associated with social crises like war and natural disaster.

Here are the plain facts: According to the 2000 U.S. Census, the first marriage for the average male is now at age 27. For white females, the age is slightly lower. This amounts to a delay that often has devastating consequences. With puberty coming at earlier ages than ever before — certainly in the early teens for most Americans — the period of time between sexual maturity and marriage is now stretching out into something like an average of 10 to 15 years. The accompanying statistics related to premarital sexual activity parallel the statistics related to the delay of marriage. Can anyone be surprised?

Other problems are closely associated with this delay of marriage. Speaking to this group of Christian young people — an outstanding group of young Christian disciples and leaders — I pointed to what sociologists now describe as "extended adolescence" — a period of life that now is extended well into the 20s and even early 30s by many young adults, often young men, who have trouble making the transition to adulthood.

I urged these young Christians to seize the biblical concept of marriage and all of its glory, to understand that God has set this covenant before them as expectation, and to channel their energies toward getting married, staying married, and showing God's glory in those marriages.

I shared with those who attended the conference my concern that this delay — the deliberate putting off of marriage even among some who intend some day to be married — was "the sin I think besets this generation." Continuing, I also made clear that this is primarily a problem that should be laid at the feet of young men. While some young women may neglect the call of marriage, a far greater problem is the unwillingness of many young men to grow up, take responsibility, lead, and find the woman God would have them to marry. As a rule, young women show far greater commitment to marriage, far greater maturity about marriage, and far greater frustration about the fact that marriage has been delayed. I thought I had made that point clearly — but perhaps not.

Is Singleness a Sin?

Those who attended the 2004 New Attitude Conference responded to my message on "The Mystery of Marriage" with a great deal of appreciation and receptivity. I was quickly surrounded by young men who had felt a brotherly kick to the seat of their pants, and by many young women who appreciated the fact that I had articulated what many of them had hoped to hear.

Nevertheless, the delayed reaction among some who did not attend the conference has been to the contrary. Weeks after I addressed the conference, much of the message was broadcast on FamilyLife Today, a national radio broadcast hosted by Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine. FamilyLife Today is an outstanding program, and I was very pleased that my message had been broadcast. It seems that others were less than enthusiastic.

Within weeks of that broadcast, a major critique of the message was offered by Camerin Courtney and posted at ChristianityToday.com. In her article, entitled "Is Singleness a Sin?," Ms. Courtney decided to respectfully let me have it. She suggested that I had offered "gross overgeneralizations" about single people, and she argued that most Christian singles "aren't delaying marriage due to selfish motives." Ms. Courtney went on to say that most singles she knows "earnestly desire to be married, are surprised and/or frustrated that they aren't yet, and are prayerfully trying to figure out how to get from here to there."

Most specifically, Ms. Courtney was offended by my suggestion that, except for those given the gift of celibacy, marriage is the God-given context for the achievement of maturity in adulthood. Many others have responded to that argument as well.

In the days following Ms. Courtney's article, I received a flood of e-mail messages and other contacts. Most have been very clear about their outrage, but also very thoughtful in suggesting exactly where they felt I had gone wrong. Interestingly, every single response to Ms. Courtney's article I have yet received has been written by a woman.

In reflecting on these messages and the points these very articulate and thoughtful women have raised, I am led to wonder if parts of the total message may have been edited or missing from the version they read or heard. But even if all the arguments were present, I wonder if some of them may have been missed or minimized.

In any event, the ensuing controversy affords all of us a good opportunity to look again at the biblical teachings concerning marriage and commit ourselves to accountability before God for the totality of our lives. Some of my respondents clearly missed the point concerning celibacy. But others still want to argue that intentional singleness — apparently without respect to celibacy — can be an acceptable lifestyle option for believers.

No, Singleness is Not a Sin

I stand unmoved, even more convinced that the argument I made at the New Attitude Conference is precisely correct.

Singleness is not a sin, but deliberate singleness on the part of those who know they have not been given the gift of celibacy is, at best, a neglect of a Christian responsibility. The problem may be simple sloth, personal immaturity, a fear of commitment, or an unbalanced priority given to work and profession. On the part of men, it may also take the shape of a refusal to grow up and take the lead in courtship. There are countless Christian women who are prayerfully waiting for Christian men to grow up and take the lead. What are these guys waiting for?

The delay of marriage has caused any number of ills in the larger society, and in the church. Honesty compels us to admit that this is indeed tied to levels of sexual promiscuity and frustration, even as it means that many persons are now marrying well into their adult years, missing the opportunity of growing together as a young couple, and putting parenthood potentially at risk.

Almost all of the women who have written me in response to this article have indicated their grief and frustration that they are not yet married. Not one has indicated in her message that she has intended from the beginning to be single and to remain single. To the contrary, each writer has affirmed her own commitment to marriage and to be married, and each has spoken of her personal frustration that her hopes have not been yet fulfilled.

Given this commitment and hope as articulated by these thoughtful young women, it should be clear that when I spoke of a pattern of sin in the delay of marriage, I was certainly not attributing that sin to them. To the contrary, as one who believes wholeheartedly in the biblical pattern of complementarity and in the male responsibility to lead, I charge young men with far greater responsibility for this failure. The extension of a "boy culture" into the 20s and 30s, along with a sense of uncertainty about the true nature of male leadership, has led many young men to focus on career, friends, sports, and any number of other satisfactions when they should be preparing themselves for marriage and taking responsibility to grow up, be the man, and show God's glory as husband and father.

Recovering A Biblical Vision of Marriage

I am not calling for high school students to marry, and I am certainly not suggesting that believers of any age should marry thoughtlessly, carelessly, and without sound spiritual judgment. But I am most emphatically arguing that this delay of marriage now presents the church with a critical test: We will either recover a full and comprehensive biblical vision of marriage in all of its glory, or we will soon find believers so accommodated to the culture around us that all we seek in our marriages is to do marginally better than what we see in the world.

Sensitivity demands that we understand the grief, frustration, and concern of Christian young adults struggling with this issue. They are the inheritors of a culture that has minimized marriage and has sent mixed messages concerning sex, gender, marriage, and all the rest. The full biblical vision of marriage was not, in the main, held before them from their earliest years at home, and was not encouraged and enriched as they grew through adolescence into adulthood. Many of them — especially many young women — feel victimized by this pattern, and they are frustrated by the reality.

Now is the time for the church to take this conversation to the next level. This generation of Christian young adults has the opportunity to seize the moment, reverse cultural trends, and show their elders the glory of marriage as God intended it from the beginning.

I stand by my argument — renewed in this conviction even by the controversy that has followed. At the same time, I'm going to be a good bit more careful to make clear that young men must accept most of the blame for this situation. I will also remind these young men that, armed with a biblical mandate and fueled by Christian passion, they can also be the vanguard for recovery.

Let's keep this conversation going, and encourage each other to pursue God's glory in every dimension of our lives — and to settle for nothing less.

In the Meantime: What to Do While Waiting on God

by Carolyn MacInnes

Somewhere between the potluck and tales of Grandpa's childhood antics, your family reunion takes the customary turn for the worse. Stealthily wedging your chair behind the ficus tree was fruitless. They know you're there. They've just been waiting....

"So, you're out of school now," Aunt Beulah begins, passing you an unsolicited slice of rhubarb pie. "When are you getting married?"

Everyone's watching. You shrug and look pleadingly to mom for rescue.

"There were some dates with Chris, from church," Mom says.

"Well, there you go!" Aunt Pauline says, throwing her hands in the air like she's just cured cancer.

"It didn't work out," you say, too quickly, grimacing as you remember Chris's frequent racial slurs and obsession with mirrors.

"Kids today want everything to be perfect," Grandma sighs.

"Maybe you shouldn't be so picky, dear," Great Aunt Lois agrees. "You are pushing 25...."

Aunt Pauline pats your leg. "All we're saying," she whispers, "is, get yourself someone before you're old and it's too late."

Of course, if not for the gaping wound it's left, the conversation would be positively laughable. "Get" yourself someone? As in, "Get some milk while you're out" or "Hey, would you get me the TV remote?" Do they really think it's so easy? Do they think you planned it this way? Many of us grew up assuming we'd meet our spouse in school. Thus, we weren't mentally prepared for living in The Meantime (my definition: that period after classmates but before the soul mate).

I'll be honest — I panicked when I first found myself there. Despite the unprecedented opportunities that lay before me, all I felt was paralysis. From all sides, the world screamed, "human love provides the ultimate fulfillment." So how could I rest until it was mine?

That's when the voices began. Always keep your radar on, They warned. Mr. Perfect could come at any moment ... but blink and you'll miss him! They further cautioned against growing too comfortable in my singleness. What if you actually let yourself feel at ease? They said, What if your confidence scares him off? What if you start to enjoy being alone and pass up your destiny? Most terrifying: What if God sees your contentment and decides to "bless" you with the gift of lifelong singleness?

Oh yeah. I'd psyched myself out big time. I can just imagine God shaking His head. "Didn't I promise you good gifts? Didn't I say hope and a future? Streams in the desert? Why can't you believe there's purpose in this time of waiting?"

No one knows how long their Meantime will last. Could be a few months, or a lifetime. But one thing's always certain: If our priority is finding another person, we'll never be satisfied. The good news is that we can do more than fight for sanity while waiting on the Lord. Here are eight suggestions for flourishing in The Meantime.

Get to know God. Even the best spouses fail; God never will. Take time to talk — and listen — to Him concerning your future. Meditate on verses about His faithfulness. Discover that human standards of "worthiness" mean nothing to Him; His affection is unconditional. When we make this pivotal truth our own, we can develop a heavenly confidence that permeates all we do.

Build a community. Life is infinitely richer when we generate and nurture friendships. It's easy to develop tunnel vision and surround ourselves only with those who are "relationship material." Resist the urge. Dates come and go, but friends are God's arms, holding us up when romantic ventures let us down.

Do what you love. Have you always been an artist at heart? When you run, do you "feel His pleasure"? The more we develop our talents — particularly if we use our skills to bring glory to God — the more we experience enthusiasm and joy, whatever our circumstances. (There's also something extremely attractive about a person with a passion for life!)

Discover something new. Is there an instrument or language you want to learn? Have you dreamed of backpacking around Europe? This is your moment. When spouses and kids enter the picture, money will be allocated differently — so if you can afford to follow a dream, make it a priority. If money is tight, opportunities still abound. Increase your knowledge by researching online or at the library, or raise support to take a mission trip.

Help others. A poet once wrote, "I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother, and I found all three." Volunteer at a nursing home or soup kitchen. Be a mentor. Rake someone's leaves. When we're feeling empty, we benefit immeasurably by serving folks in need. As their strength is renewed, our cups overflow.

Buy dishes. For nearly a decade, I kept a hope chest full of brand new household items while I ate off of flimsy silverware and cheap, chipped dishes. I was sitting on a gold mine, but chose to live in poverty. When I finally realized how misplaced my hope really was, I dug out some of those utensils and bought myself a set of funky dishes. It sounds crazy, but it freed me! Of course, this principle extends far beyond kitchen gadgets. It's not an exhortation to abandon our dreams — simply a reminder to live in the present.

Be reasonable. My friend Danny didn't date much. Plenty of girls were interested, but he could never find what he was looking for. You know, a rich supermodel whose only dream in life was to serve him? There was no room for distinctiveness; everyone who didn't fit his mental picture was flawed. It behooves us to ask ourselves, "Am I looking for someone perfect, or for someone who — eccentricities and all — is good for me?"

But don't compromise. Funny what loneliness can do. People with whom we have nothing in common — and sometimes hardly like — are suddenly attractive. We can even convince ourselves it's unreasonable for God to make us wait for physical pleasure. But anytime we push ahead of Him, either by trying to force a dubious relationship or misplacing our moral compass, we're like the Prodigal, sifting through slop when we could revel in riches down the road.

Somewhere in The Meantime, God changed my theme verse from "How long, oh Lord?" to "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland" (Isaiah 43:19). And I literally went to the desert of West Texas to find that "new thing." I attended graduate school to study what I loved, mentored kids, traveled overseas, and overall, developed a fresh vision of God's plan for my life.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the cute co-ed the Lord kept placing in my path. But before all that, God was showing me that even if no one ever met me at the end of a church aisle, I was of immeasurable value, and He had big plans for me. No formula here for finding a perfect mate — just a reminder that, as Helen Keller said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

Each of us can choose how we spend our days — but God's wish for us is clear: "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly" (John 10:10).

Not Your Buddy

By Suzanne Hadley

The other day I was having lunch with a friend and she began to pour out an all-too-familiar story. The guy she'd been hanging out with four nights a week, the one who'd made her a jazz mix CD and asked her to be his date to his office Christmas party, the one who'd gone to late-night movies with her and made her pasta — that guy — had crushed her hopes (again) with a single, nonchalant statement: "I don't see myself in a relationship anytime soon."

I tried to reassure my friend that the guy probably thought she was beautiful and fabulous and smart but had just made a choice to be single for now.

"But we have such a great connection," she moaned. "We're such good friends!"

I felt anger well up. This was not the first time I'd heard this story. I could count nearly half a dozen friends who found themselves in this same frustrating situation. After investing months in late night talks, meals together and flirty e-mails, each woman faced the sad reality that the guy actually wasn't planning to upgrade their friendship to, well, marriage.

It's Not Our Fault!

I decided to discuss this trend with a few of my guy friends. I specifically targeted Brad, whose boyish good looks and abundance of charm had lured in more than one hopeful woman and gained him a reputation as a heartbreaker.

"Do you think it's wrong for a guy to initiate one-on-one time with a woman when he has no intentions with her?" I asked.

My friend paused, savoring the question. "I think," he said, "if a woman wants something to be there, she's going to see something there."

His buddies smirked knowingly.

"But don't you think seeking her out and spending time with her encourages it?" I prodded.

"She's the one who's choosing to view that as special treatment," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "It's her interpretation."

"Can you tell when a girl's interested in you?"

"Usually."

"Then why would you lead her on like that?"

"She's free to say no anytime. Until then, I'll assume she's OK with it."

By "OK," I guessed he meant the girl could handle it emotionally.

His buddies slapped him on the back.

"That's right," one of them piped up. "Women are always going to read into something. If you catered to it, you'd have to give up female friends completely."

Mutually Exclusive

The most helpful book I never read was a little relationship book called He's Just Not That Into You. The title alone provided the answer to a decade's old inner struggle I've had. You know, the one that causes a single female to hope a relationship will develop out of a friendship despite a complete absence of evidence of the fact.

In her book Relationships, former college professor Dr. Pamela Reeve discusses three levels of friendships: acquaintances, companions and intimate friends. Dr. Reeve observes that men and women cannot sustain an intimate friendship without one or the other harboring romantic expectations. She recommends that men and women avoid being intimate friends outside of courtship and marriage.

Companions, she says, generally spend less than two hours together a week. When a man indicates he would like to see the woman more than that, but claims they are "just friends," he sends a mixed message.

Dr. Reeve writes: "One party can selfishly enjoy all the benefits of a relationship, the warmth and relief from loneliness, the satisfaction of the attention that feeds the ego — all without the accompanying commitment. One party luxuriates, while the other party feels cheated and is left with deep unsatisfied longings."

I've recently observed several non-dating relationships that seem to fall into the "intimate friends" category. In every case, it is the woman who is paying the price emotionally. Why? When a guy starts investing his heart, he can do something about it by making a move. And if the girl rejects him, the friendship ends or changes significantly. A woman, however, can hang on in this kind of relationship indefinitely, hoping the guy will eventually share her feelings. She makes herself available to him as a "friend," all the while hoping the friendship will blossom into something more.

Unfortunately, even if the guy senses the woman's interest, like my friend Brad, he has not made a direct offer to her and therefore feels no obligation to clear up the matter. Maybe we could chalk that up to communication differences between men and women: a man may be oblivious to unspoken signs that he has been placed in the "future husband" category. What he may be viewing as an innocent dinner, she sees as an indication that the friendship is developing into more. But men should assume that if a woman is spending a lot of time with him, she is interested and she is investing her emotions. (I suspect men realize this more often than they'll admit, but hold onto these ego-boosting relationships anyway.)

Women, on the other hand, need to assume less. A woman should not assume that a guy friend she's spending time with is: a) just too shy to make a move; b) thinking she's the woman of his dreams but the timing isn't right; c) in denial of God's will that they be together.

We get it. A woman loves to read into a guy's every action. That's her relational crime. But the guy does her a disservice by allowing her to be his "buddy girl" — a female friend who provides the relational benefits without the commitment.

In his article Physical Intimacy and the Single Man, Matt Schmucker points out that men defraud their sisters when they indulge in this type of relationship. "Simply put," he writes, "a man defrauds a woman when, by his words or actions, he promises the benefits of marriage to a woman he either has no intention of marrying or if he does, has no way of finally knowing that he will."

Single men and women are failing each other. Uncommitted intimate friendships may satiate immediate needs, but they lead to frustration and heartache. Not to mention, for singles ready for marriage, these "friendships" waste time and energy.

Stepping Back

Men and women who find themselves in a dead-end friendship, should take responsibility. A woman is responsible to be wise with her heart. Solomon said, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Prov. 4:23). If a woman feels her heart longing for a man who's not pursuing her, indulging those feelings is unwise.

Song of Songs puts it this way, "Do not awaken love before it so desires." As a generation of women drunk on chick flicks, we want romance to happen so badly we allow ourselves to fantasize about relationships that have no founding.

About a year ago, my sister, a college junior, was receiving regular phone calls from Nick, a guy friend who had transferred to another school. During their conversations he would shower her with compliments, ask her what she was looking for in a guy and talk about taking her out to dinner at a fancy restaurant when he visited. At the same time, he congratulated her for being the only girl he could really talk to who wouldn't "get the wrong idea."

Despite her desire to be that exception, Sarah found herself increasingly confused by Nick's attention. She realized she was beginning to entertain romantic thoughts. After seeking counsel, Sarah decided she needed to cut back on her interactions with Nick to protect her heart.

During their next phone conversation, she explained how she felt. Nick admitted he wasn't interested in her as more than a friend, but he seemed shocked and offended that Sarah wanted to back off.

Just as a woman should take measures to guard her heart in relationships, a guy should seek to protect the emotions of his female friends. Paul instructed Timothy to treat young women "as sisters with absolute purity." I can say this from experience — you never have to wonder if your brother is romantically interested in you.

I have interacted with guys who are genuine and friendly without making me wonder if they want me to have their children. Like a good dance partner, the guy gently eases me to a place where I understand he considers me a friend only. We may engage in a meaningful friendship, but he does not give false signals by inviting me to dinner, e-mailing me daily or initiating extended time together. While these actions are fine if the guy is interested, they are misleading if he's not.
Make Room for Romance

Ecclesiastes croons, "There is a time for love." If, as a woman, you are indulging in an intimate friendship with a man who is not pursuing you, you are accepting a cheap imitation of love. And by spending all your time with a guy who will never put a ring on your finger, you may miss a potential suitor.

If, as a man, you are spending large quantities of time with a woman, you may want to consider if perhaps the relationship is deserving of an upgrade to an intentional relationship that explores the possibility of matrimony. If not, do your sister the courtesy of making your stance clear, freeing her to be pursued by another man.

Above all, if you find yourself in an intimate friendship with someone of the opposite sex, ask the Lord for wisdom and discernment. Describing the complexity of relationships, Dr. Reeve uses the words of a poster she once read:

Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing....
It requires real maturity to get involved and not get all messed up.

"Never," she concludes, "is this more true than in relationships between men and women."

I couldn't agree more with the good doctor. When it comes to male-female relationships, lacking intent, the buddy system is a bad idea.

Frailty and Dependency -- Paths to True Love?

By Janice Shaw Crouse

Two things about the billboard caught my attention. First, the woman, in her late 30s or early 40s, is a solitary figure whose image takes over the sign. Then, the caption is simple and bold: You Are Powerful.

The advertisement's target audience is obvious. There is tremendous profit to be made by any company that successfully appeals to the more than 24 million unmarried women in the 20-44- year-old demographic. They make up 47 percent of all women in this age group (compared with only 19 percent that were unmarried in 1968). It is no wonder savvy marketers are targeting these women, since more than 71 percent of them are employed -- with significant disposable income and independent spending decisions.

The advertisement's psychological appeal is equally obvious. Of course there is the gender thing. You've seen the T-shirt with the slogan: Live, love, laugh, shop. Married or unmarried, that's us. The advertisement also appeals to our emotional need to be "in control." I was recently pleased to see myself described in a college newspaper article as a "strong, independent woman." The writer and editor of that newspaper are college-aged women; aside from, perhaps, projecting their own aspirations, the desire for independence is the passionate quest of adolescents and young adults.

Those young journalists would be surprised to learn the degree of my dependence on those to whom I am bound in the deepest bonds of love and respect. I often confer with my loved ones because they offer unvarnished reactions and level-headed advice -- first and foremost my husband, but also my son, daughter and mother. I also confer frequently with colleagues whose expertise I value.

While it is true that I have strong opinions and the temerity to speak my mind, I have lived long enough to discover my limitations; to learn that those I love, as well as those I work with, have needs that I can't meet and problems that I can't fix. Most dramatically, I have watched the ravages of illness eat away at the vitality of people who were once very strong; in health crises, none of us has the power to reverse the damage or prevent death. I have seen seemingly invincible power brokers and those solidly entrenched in the power structures brought down overnight.

When I am not on the road, I work daily in Washington, D.C., a city populated by a few powerful persons and a huge throng of those who are straining with all their might to become powerful. That by itself, I suppose, doesn't make it any different than a thousand other cities. But what quickly becomes apparent in the world's remaining superpower nation is that power is always fleeting and often is an illusion. Events can quickly erase power once viewed as rock solid.

The true picture, as I have come to see it, is one of human frailty and dependency. But these are not, as might be thought at first glance, reasons for discouragement or despair. Instead, they are inescapable parts of our human existence and should be valued and appreciated because they force us to learn how to live lives of connectedness and cooperation. Our reward is that we find, albeit reluctantly, not lives of power and independence, but lives full of meaning, service and significance.

Consider Exhibit A: First love's joy and passion. What makes possible, in the beginning, the sheer and total other-centeredness of first love? To the onlooker, lovers' total preoccupation with each other is absurd. But, if properly nourished it can grow, as it did in my case, into a mutual life-long commitment. The sexual pleasure of the married bed is nature's bait to induce us to accept and enjoy our dependence. In time our dependence ceases to be an onerous complication. Instead, we learn that pride, ego, and the desire for independence are the mortal enemies of love. Left unchecked, they break the tender ties that not only connect us, but that provide the very strength we need to cope with our weaknesses.

The challenge of our lives lies in the multi-dimensional aspect of our human nature with its conflicting needs, desires and passions. It is the wise person who chooses the rewards of connectedness over the bitter fruit of the futile quest for power and independence.

Physicians have seen the power of connectedness in babies. Infants who received plenty of human touch grow better and act better; their emotional and intellectual growth is stimulated by skin-to-skin contact with others. Premature babies gain 47 percent more weight when their care includes more frequent touching. Adults, too, need human contact. Relationship well-being depends upon touch. In my own experience, the rituals of touch enrich my relationship with my husband. We've been married 44 years, and we still reach out to hold hands during prayer, whenever I exit the car, or when we walk together.

In my youth, the supposedly powerful solitary figure on the billboard might have appealed to me. No more. No matter how much our pride - particularly in our youth - would have it otherwise, nature dictates that dependency is an inherent, integral part of our existence.

Nature did not equip human females like she did the mighty female grizzly bear, which truly is powerful and independent. The mother bear is fully capable of raising her cub alone without any help, least of all from the male bear.

The human female, on the other hand, is eminently vulnerable, and the development of the human child takes years longer than in any other species.

With that in mind, we might recall exactly what becomes of the adorable, cuddly, playful bear cubs. The powerful, independent she-bear mother, in her solitary way, produces very deadly predators.

How to Attract the Right Mate

By Cortni Marrazzo

When it’s springtime, that means it’s mating season for many birds in our neighborhood. I’ve seen bird couples who’ve found their mates and more prominently, I’ve heard the calls of birds who haven’t yet found their mates.

The most noticeable mating call I hear is that of a quail. When quail call to find mates, they find the highest possible point. They park themselves there, and they call out loudly in some sort of pattern every minute or two; they are quite persistent and very noticeable. Even though their calls can be heard for quite some distance, they only attract others of their kind because other quail recognize the calls.

This got me to thinking about the “mating calls” many single Christians give out when trying to attract their mates. Now obviously people don’t literally perch themselves on a high point and “call” out to find mates, but each person does have a unique mating call that will determine what kind of person he/she will attract.

People in the world attract the people they do by default or they try to change who they attract by trial and error. But God gives Christian singles specific guidance in His Word on how to be a person who attracts the right mate.

Finding Your Perch

Like I mentioned, the quail that I’ve observed like to perch on a high spot so they can be seen by potential mates. We can take guidance from that by paying attention to where we congregate and spend our time. A quail has more of a chance of finding a mate if he is up high where he can see more. A single Christian has more of a chance to find a godly mate if he/she hangs around church and other Christian events, rather than at bars or worldly parties. The environment you choose to be around says a lot about you as a person, and it will also say a lot about the others who are there as well.

The key here is that you want to be around church and godly people because you enjoy it. If your main reason to attend church is to attract a mate, then you are faking yourself out and will most likely fake others out, too. But if you enjoy serving at church and you meet someone else who does too, then you are more likely to be compatible right off the bat.

I’ve heard many single people say (and I’ve even said it too) “there are no good available men (or women) in my church.” But if you are serving at church because you enjoy it, then it doesn’t matter. When I was single, I served at church all the time because I loved it. Now that I’m married, my husband and I serve at church all the time together because it’s a passion that we share.

Staying in Your Spot

There is a relentless quail in my neighborhood that parks himself on my neighbors’ two story roof and will stay there and call for his mate for hours. It gets kind of annoying after a while, but I have to admire his persistence—he found his spot and he’s not moving.

If many single Christians would just find a spot and stay there, they might have more a chance of developing the kind of relationship that could deepen into love. Instead, I’ve seen so many young Christian singles hopping from church to church hoping that the right cute guy or girl is at this other church since they can’t find one where they already are. This leads to people being uprooted and having shallow roots wherever they go.

The Bible says that those who are planted in the house of the Lord shall flourish (Psalm 92:13). If you’re not planted and dedicated and committed to your church, then you won’t be able to flourish due to your shallow roots. God will bring your mate to you, you don’t have to go out and find him/her yourself.

Developing Your Call

The most important part is your call—what you are communicating to others through your life. Are you a person of integrity and honesty who other Christians can recognize and relate to? People tend to gravitate toward others who are similar to them in values and actions, just like a quail is attracted to another quail with the same call. Do your actions invite the right people to be around you or do you seem to always find yourself around those who are always in trouble or who are messing things up?

So how do you know if you are a godly type of person? First of all, read the chapter about love in 1 Corinthians 13. This chapter lists many qualities of a godly person: patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, and the list goes on. Once you finish with that chapter (we all have things to work on from that chapter), I would encourage you to read Proverbs and note each verse that starts with “A good man. …” Proverbs is full of ways you can be a good man (the same things apply to women).

In the end, God is the one that brings the right person to us at the right time, but you can help make sure the right one is attracted to you by being the kind of person God wants you to be. You will most likely be a turn off to ungodly single people around you, which is OK because you don’t want to be in a marriage relationship with them anyhow.

There were many guys who weren’t attracted to me when I was single because of my love for God and commitment to His ways and to His church, but that helped keep me focused on serving God more. And when my husband came along, it was those very things that attracted him to me.

Until the time that God brings you your mate, developing these characteristics will attract godly friendships to you and those are extreme blessings in themselves. Plus, you never know what might happen. I ended up marrying my husband because he was my friend’s brother-in-law. So be open to all the possibilities God may open up for you, as you strive to be a person who attracts the right mate.

Trusting God's Timing

By Greg Laurie, Harvest Ministries

Can you think of a time in your life when you acted impulsively and came to regret it? Maybe you bought a car on impulse and were sorry afterward. Maybe it was that contract you signed without reading it carefully. Maybe it was that business deal you entered into that you should have taken more time to consider. Whatever the decision may have been, you regretted it later.

I have discovered that God's timing is just as important as God's will. In fact, the Bible talks a lot about timing. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven" (NKJV).

The Bible talks about a man of God who had really bad timing. If this man were in a race, he would have been the one to come out of nowhere, take the lead, and then suddenly self-destruct. The man I'm speaking of is Moses.

Although Moses was one of the greatest men of God, he also was a man who had some serious setbacks and committed serious sin. It is worth noting that, along with Saul of Tarsus, Moses is one of the men God used who actually was guilty of murder.

Moses was a bit on the impulsive side. I can understand that, because I share that characteristic with him. I can be impulsive. But being impulsive has its drawbacks, and Moses' impulsiveness brought some devastating results.

Moses was born at a time of extreme hardship in Israel's history. The descendents of Jacob had grown to about three million in Egypt and had been forced into slavery. Pharaoh, seeing the Hebrews as a potential threat, decreed that newborn Hebrew boys were to be drowned in the Nile River.

As the children of Israel cried out to God for deliverance, enter Moses, the man of God. First, he was the baby protected by God and adopted by Pharaoh's daughter. The Jewish historian, Josephus, tells us that this Pharaoh had no son or heir; therefore, Moses was being groomed to become the next Pharaoh of Egypt. He was being raised as royalty, which meant that he would have been schooled in all that Egypt had to offer.

But Moses still knew who he was. He was a true believer in the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Underneath those Egyptian robes beat the heart of a Hebrew.

Maybe that's what caused him to swing into action when he saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew. The Bible says he looked "this way and that way," and then killed the Egyptian (see Exodus 2:12).

Moses' heart was in the right place, but his actions were foolish, to say the least. Clearly, the Lord had not told Moses to do this. Instead of looking around, Moses should have been looking up.

Moses probably thought that his fellow Hebrews would be grateful for what he had done, but things didn't turn out that way. Everyone knew what he did, but no one applauded. When Pharaoh heard what had happened, Moses had to flee for his life. Off he went, into the wilderness.

God wants us to do His will in His way in His timing.

Moses was a leader in training, but he wasn't ready yet. He had lost his people. He had lost his reputation. But he had not lost God. What looked like the end was actually the beginning.

Forty years later, God appointed Moses to lead the children of Israel out of Egypt. What Moses did not realize was that God had been preparing him during that time. Notice what God said to him: "I am the God of your father-the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob" (Exodus 3:6 NKJV).

What was God saying? I am the God of ordinary men who have accomplished some extraordinary things. There is hope for you. I am not just the God of Abraham. I am not just the God of Isaac and Jacob. I am the God of Moses. I am calling you. I am giving you a second chance.

God still uses ordinary people today. Even people who have made mistakes. Even people who have sinned.

Maybe you are in a situation right now in which you can identify with Moses. Can I make a suggestion? Confess your sins to God. Deal with them and learn from your mistakes. And know this: God can still use you. He gives second chances. Maybe you need one today.

When God Steps in as "Husband"

By Cindi McMenamin, Author of When Women Walk Alone

Deb learned the hard way that having a husband was not the key to happiness.

Six years into her marriage, Deb's husband recovered from an accident that nearly killed him. Then he decided it was time to live his life to the fullest. With no regard for his family, he quit his job, no longer provided for Deb and her children and stayed out nightly ‘til 3:00 a.m. with no explanation of his whereabouts. Not knowing where to turn, Deb escaped the turmoil by divorcing him.

Deb then married a second husband who seemed compassionate about all she had been through in her first marriage. But five years into her second marriage, her husband became abusive toward her children and ended up having a three-year affair with another woman. When Deb discovered the affair, she left the marriage and swore off men, wanting nothing to do with another marriage or relationship.

It was then that God began to show Deb the kind of husband He could be toward her: her Provider, her Protector, her Counselor, her Friend.

In Isaiah 54:5-6, she read:

"For your Maker is your husband—the LORD Almighty is his name….The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God.

As Deb began to grow in her relationship with God, she began to see the many ways He could husband her and she realized she didn't need to keep looking for a man to marry. She had all she needed in God.

"I told God I didn't need a man as long as I had Him!" Deb told me, as she recalled her story.

That was when God unexpectedly brought Dave into Deb's life. Dave was committed to God and was able to show Deb what a godly marriage looked like. Together, Dave and Deb now serve God through various ministries at their church. But Deb is convinced she had to first look to God to be her husband, before she could recognize a godly man.

As she began to understand God's love for her, she was better able to recognize unconditional love in a man. As she saw who she was in God's eyes, she saw how she deserved to be treated by a man. God won't necessarily bring a man into your life just because you put Him first, as He did for Deb. But God will fill that hole in your heart with a sense of fulfillment only He can provide.

I, too, had to learn the hard way that the Lord is my husband. Unlike Deb originally did, I married a man who was everything I had hoped and prayed for. But even being married to a pastor, I quickly learned that my husband was not perfect in the ways God is. My earthly husband could not be God in my life and meet all of my emotional needs. God had to be my "Husband." And while my earthly husband does what he can to love me in the way God has called him to, only the Lord Jesus, the Lover of my Soul, can love me in a way that completes me and will never disappoint me.

For instance, I still, at times, look to my husband to truly know me and understand me as no one else does. But even after twenty-one years of marriage, he still can't understand my thoughts, predict my actions, and know exactly what to say when I'm feeling a certain way. That is still a task that is beyond him in his humanity. Yet, in Psalm 139:2, the Psalmist describes God by saying "You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar." God actually knows my thoughts before I think them, my words before I say them, and my actions before I carry them out. On days I feel misunderstood and wish my husband understood me better, I can go to God and know He completely understands the intentions of my mind and heart.

There have also been times I have wanted my husband to affirm me and give me a sense of purpose. Yet, again, in his humanity, he can never say and do enough to communicate affirmation to the depths of my soul. But God, the Maker of my soul, says in His Word that "we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (Ephesians 2:10). His Word says "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) and that He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, "plans to give(me) hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).

Yes, those verses may just sound like words at first. But when you get to know intimately the One who said those words, they become words more personal and precious than you can imagine.

Are you still waiting for a godly man to come into your life? If so, let God be the Man. He wants to be the One to husband you. He wants to be the One that you depend on and look to first to be your Provider, Protector, Comforter and Friend. He is, after all, the Only One on this earth who is truly able to say "I will never leave you" (Hebrews 13:5). He is the Only One who is able to say to you "I have loved you with an everlasting love…" (Jeremiah 31:3) and He is the Only One who was able to go to the grave and back to get you for His own (Romans 5:8).

Trust the One who knows your whole history when it comes to relationships—the loves you've longed for, and those you've lost. And realize that the God of this universe—who knows all about your flaws and your failures, your worries and your weaknesses—still chooses to love you and call you His bride.

My Single Identity Baggage

by Suzanne Hadley

Last month I turned 30.

This wasn't a painful milestone for me. The Lord has richly blessed my 20s. His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness is deeper than I could have imagined at 21.

An old friend called me on my birthday to wish me a happy one. Though we no longer share the same biblical worldview, he and I are at a similar spot in life — early 30s, unmarried. We used to attend the same youth group, and one time we almost went golfing on a date. (My parents decided against it at the last moment.)

As my friend and I talked and reminisced our conversation fell to our single plight (deep down we all want things like marriage and family). "It used to be really simple," my friend said with a laugh. By "it" he meant establishing a romantic relationship. (He was engaged his senior year of college, but it fell through.)

"Now I've lost confidence in my ability to choose," he said. "I know how I am. I know all these things about myself, and I know what won't work for me. I almost know too much about myself."

I knew exactly what he meant. In the eight years since college, I've accumulated more than a house full of photographs, furniture and dishes that aren't plastic — I've developed a fairly complex identity. And honestly, finding someone who's a fit seems like a much more difficult task than it used to.

How Do You Like My Stuff?

My sisters and I were recently touring New York City to celebrate my birthday. My sister Sarah, who my college friends used to call "Mini-Me" (because she shares my blond hair and facial expressions), is extremely talented. While she's humble about her successes, I see in her (as in myself) a tendency to lean on the achievements that define her.

While I was pondering this, an image suddenly filled my mind. I pictured myself stepping up to meet a potential mate. Only I'm not alone. Behind me is a mountain of suitcases marked, "Christian," "College Graduate," "Editor," "Improv Performer," "Sunday School Teacher," "Blogger" and a myriad of other things.

If the bags weren't there, I might simply extend a hand and say: "Hi, I'm Suzanne. I love Jesus. I tend to laugh loudly and I'm more insecure than I should be at my age."

Instead, when I meet someone, I motion to my suitcases, as if to say: "Ta-da! How do you like my stuff?" I may even peek to make sure the person standing before me has an equitable mound. And, of course, I'll analyze how that person's bags will complement my own.

This is the kind of baggage my friend was speaking of. Not only am I considering if this person could spur me on spiritually, be a good intellectual match and be someone I could enjoy being around for the rest of my life, I'm looking for the person who likes my identity and has some matching luggage.

Pink Mist and Sparkly Eyes

In case I'm losing you with this analogy, let me go back to what my friend said about how relationships used to be simple. Some of you are in college. Picture the average guy-girl conversation on a college campus.

At my college, guys and girls tended to couple up in the spring when the weather got sunny and you could lay a blanket out on the lawn to study. (We called the falling cherry blossoms "pink mist" and the mist was said to have mythical romantic powers.)

Say a guy plops down on his female friend's study blanket and they start a conversation. "What are you going to do after graduation?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know," she says. "I might teach for a year or apply for grad school or go on a short term missions trip. How about you?"

He smiles (because he likes her sparkly eyes). "Well, I'll keep working as a server to pay off my school loans, but what I'd REALLY like to do is help inner city youth."

"Really?" she says. "That sounds exciting."

Freeze. This couple has very few bags so far. They have potential suitcases, but they have no idea what will fill them. They may even dream of selecting and filling suitcases together. Sparkly eyes and enthusiasm for the future is enough to create a bond.
The Highest Bidder

I recently read an article that looked at marriage in terms of an auction. Some singles consider themselves to be strong bidders. Perhaps they are popular with peers, are commonly compared to an attractive celebrity or make a six-figure salary. Because of these perceived assets, these bidders are looking for the crème de la crème partner.

The more bags you accumulate during your single years, the more likely you are to consider yourself a strong bidder. The problem is, according to game theory, strong bidders miss out because they fail to actually bid. Weak bidders, or those with less suitcases, end up married because they bid decisively on what they want.

My intention is not to discourage eligible singles here. When I began discussing this identity baggage issue with one friend, she expressed her frustration: "Sometimes I almost feel like I have to hide my bags! Or reserve them to show only guys who won't be intimidated by them."

Hiding who you are — strengths and attributes included — is not what I'm proposing. Neither am I suggesting you burn or trash your suitcases. The real issue is how much you're depending on them, or using them, when approaching a relationship.

Acknowledge that the bags exist. A person in her 20s or 30s has had ample time for identity development. Forming a relationship after a decade of single adulthood will naturally be a little more complicated than doing the same thing in college. Studies have proven this. At the same time, a well-developed sense of identity can be an asset that helps you rule out inappropriate matches.

My friend Adam, who married in his 30s said, "The truth is, you're probably not going to end up with someone who is way beneath you in intellect, spirituality or looks. I was looking for an equal."

Because of this, hiding your light under a bushel, is unwise. At the same time, there is a difference between humbly being who you are and boasting in your accomplishments or expecting others to acknowledge them.
Realize you are not your bags. OK, so you have multiple degrees, are an award-winning violinist, look great from daily gym visits, have your dream job and lead four Bible studies. Those are facts about you, not you. Sometimes we treat our interests and accomplishments as some kind of bullet points on a marriage resume.

The problem is (as many online daters have discovered), facts are not always the most accurate predictor of a strong connection. Things like birth order, personality, natural temperament and daily routine can be much better indicators.

Don't give the bags too much weight. Before my mom met my dad, she had always dated the same kind of guy: melancholy, intellectual, driven. The baby of his family, my dad was an athletic, funny, all-American type. He didn't have the bags my mom usually went for, but he ended up being a great match for her. Through the years, his sense of humor and cheerful demeanor helped smooth over many stressful circumstances in our household.

I can be a little prideful when I look at my bags, and consider them too seriously when looking for a match. In the end, my spouse and I will probably have similarities, but he may not hold all the bags I think he should (and he may not be as impressed with some of my bags as I think he should).

What's in your luggage? The factors of my identity that should matter most to me — and a future spouse — are those that center around my relationship with Christ. I have been justified (Rom. 5:1), I have been bought with a price (1 Cor. 6:19-20), I have been redeemed (Col. 1:14), I have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16), Christ lives in me (Col. 1:27).

If there is any value in my identity baggage, it is in those things that are bearing fruit. Each of those bags is on loan from God. In a year or ten, some of them will be gone, replaced by new ones. And only the Lord knows what those will be.

For now, I hope to approach each relationship in a simple way — with an open heart and a single bag stamped: "Child of God."

Pursue Her

by Drew Dyck

Have you ever heard the fairytale about the princess in shining armor? You know the story. She crosses an ocean, slays a dragon and rescues the man she loves?

Wait. You've never heard that one?

OK, neither have I.

Why? Because fairytales are always the other way around — the man fights for the woman. He takes the risks. He battles the beast. He pursues her.

Now I realize that fairytales are stereotypical, admittedly even a little sexist. But they do contain a measure of truth. These whimsical tales we learn as children mirror a deep-seated longing in the soul of every man and woman.

This article isn't about fairytales. I bring them up only to highlight what I see as a growing problem in the church: young Christian men unable (or unwilling) to actively pursue a potential spouse. Rather than saddling up the proverbial steed, many guys seem to be languishing in the tower, waiting for their princesses to stumble upon them.

If that's you, then I have some no-nonsense advice — it's time to man-up and take the lead in the romance department. And don't hide behind the whole too-holy-for-love façade. When you meet "the one," pursuing her with all your heart is the most spiritual thing you can possibly do.

Let me explain.

Recently I was talking to a godly, attractive and single woman. She was exasperated.

"What's wrong with Christian guys?" she asked me. "They never go after you!"

She was getting plenty of attention from men outside the church, yet the guys at her congregation seemed reluctant to be much more than friends.

A few weeks earlier I had received an e-mail from a young man looking for advice. His questions echoed the problem I'd heard lamented from the other side of the gender divide. My interlocutor was plagued with, what seemed to him, insoluble questions: Should he date a woman from church? If so, how could he be sure he was going for God and not girls? And what if things didn't work out? Would he be able to go back?

Talk about over thinking it!

Those are just two anecdotes, but they reflect a larger trend. In her new book Where Have All The Good Men Gone? A.J. Kiesling reports her findings from an in-depth survey of 120 single Christian women. What was their most common complaint about men? Kiesling reports: "Over and over I heard the words, 'I wish men would step up to the plate and take a risk in asking me out.'"

Here is feedback that Kiesling she received directly from real-world single Christian women about Christian men.

"God didn't create you to be passive. Pursuit seems to be obsolete, but we still want to be pursued."

"It seems like men aren't willing to take the risk of asking a woman out, since they don't have to anymore. There are plenty of women who will chase them, yet, I won't. I want them to pursue me."

"Quit saying, 'I'm waiting on God to bring me my future mate.' What a cop-out! You're scared, and you're afraid of being hurt or rejected and — gasp! — you might be tempted to have sex!"

So why are Christian men not stepping up to the plate? What's behind this trend? I think there are at least a couple of factors.

First, our increasingly politically correct culture tells guys that women have equal responsibility when it comes to initiating the relationship. These days women are encouraged to be more aggressive while men risk appearing domineering if they get the ball rolling.

But here's the rub. While such political correctness is peddled in higher education and the media, it usually doesn't apply in the real world, where women still appreciate a man with the gumption and guts to make the first move. Kiesling writes, "The world may have moved on, become hip and high-tech and politically correct, but old-fashioned values persist in our very make-up." Part of that make-up is a desire to be pursued. There are ways that women can encourage men to initiate a relationship, but that's a topic that the highly skilled Boundless regulars have covered well.

The second factor is even more pervasive and hazardous to single Christian guys. An exaggerated sense of spiritual propriety can also prevent relationships from forming. I've met a lot of guys who seem to equate romantic passivity with spiritual superiority. In these cases the thinking goes something like this: If I wait and pray patiently, God will drop a woman right into my lap.

Such guys could use some advice from my 88-year-old grandfather. He might seem like an unlikely source of dating wisdom, but he gave me a talk during my single days that I think every Christian guy needs to hear.

My grandfather is a retired pastor. Most of his time he spends deep in prayer with a huge King James Bible splayed open on his lap. When he broached the topic of women with me, I wasn't sure where he'd go. Would he urge caution? Exhort purity? Instead he pointed to a verse that I knew well, Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord."

I knew finding a wife was a good thing. Was he trying to rub it in that I was still single?

No, he was pointing out that the verse implied that I had a responsibility in making it happen.

His mouth turned up at one edge.

"Find," he pointed out, "is a verb."

Lesson learned.

When I met my future wife, I knew it was my responsibility to initiate the relationship even though I was scared to death to make the first move. I still remember showing up at her doorstep with flowers in my trembling hands.

I believe it's the man's responsibility to initiate the relationship. But that statement comes with some serious qualifiers. Though it is the guy's job to pursue, that does not negate God's role. God is still the best matchmaker. We should never rush into relationships by running roughshod over the leading of His Spirit. Only after prayer and careful consideration should we proceed.

It's equally important that we be sensitive in reading women's signals. Women want us to be proactive, but when the romantic feelings are not mutual, being aggressive is not cool — it's creepy. If your advances receive chilly receptions, do not soldier on. Doing so will likely only fortify — not wear down — her defenses. Back off and behave like a brother. Once you've made your intentions clear, the ball is in her court. She'll let you know if her feelings change.

But if you're one of the myriad men sitting on the fence too scared or too "spiritual" to pursue a woman, it may be time to man-up and make a move. I know taking risks can be daunting. But often the most rewarding journeys begin with uneasy and faltering steps.

God created you to be a pursuer. So next time God brings a godly woman into your life, don't sit around twiddling your thumbs. The love of your life could be passing you by!