The Men in Christ's Life: Doubting Thomas

Kris Swiatocho

My stepfather is only one example of a man who has impacted my life as a result of his relationship with Christ. Throughout this series, I want to share with you about some of the other men who have impacted my life solely because of their relationship with Jesus. I believe as I share that you, too, will connect with them and discover for yourself how God has always had a plan for you, is working it out in your life and will never leave you.

There are times in all our lives that we may question God. We may question if He is really there. We may question that Jesus was His son. We may question if He really cares about us and is listening to us. We may question if He loves us and why.

When I was a small child, I was very "religious." I grew up going to a Catholic church. Even though my birth father was Catholic and my brothers and I were baptized Catholic (my mom preferred not to convert from being a non-church-going Presbyterian), I was the only one who went to church. As I think back, I have tried to come up with a reason why I would choose to go to church (mass) even though none of my family went. The only thing I can come up with was church was just one more place I could talk, be creative, and build friendships. I wouldn't know it at the time, but it would create the foundation of my walk with the Lord.

From an early start in life I had always been very independent. So going to church (I would walk three blocks since the age of six) was something normal to me. I liked it, so I went. But there is something else I remember: I would learn to not only have reverence for my Holy God, but I was to fear Him, too. I was aware of when I did something bad that God would not be happy with me, but it would be many years before I would ask the Lord into my heart and receive salvation. Years before I understood why I feared God and why I needed to be "saved." This fear of God would lead to a relationship of doubt. A relationship of rules and regulations. A relationship of worry if I didn't follow the rules. A relationship where I was the child and God was the parent, waiting to strike me down, spank me or hurt me. I would grow in my relationship not really understanding His love for me. I would grow wanting God to prove Himself to me. I had become a doubting Thomas.

As the years passed, I would fall away from the Lord, stop going to church, and get into all sorts of trouble. I would spend several years chasing whatever that I thought would lead to happiness--whether it was wealth, fame, pleasure, or relationships, I was on the fast track. But like all fast tracks, they lead you in a circle, a wreck or sometimes death. Yes, mine would lead to a death, a death of my old life with the birth of a new life in Christ. But despite where Christ had saved me from, despite all the blessings of a new life, new direction, and new peace, etc., I would still have days of unbelief. Days where I just wasn't sure if God was God. Days that I wish He would just show up and I could touch Him. I could put my own fingers in His side. For sure, then I would then believe. If I could just touch Him, I would never not believe again. Or would I?

Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!" But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it." A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!" Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!" Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name (John 20:24-31).

What I Have Learned from Thomas:

1. Thomas was a leader.

We know from earlier scripture that Thomas was a tax collector (Matthew 10:3). No doubt he was used to dealing with people. He was used to hearing every type of excuse and problem in relation to people paying their taxes. We also know from earlier scripture that Thomas was the one who spoke up in reference to going back to Judea to see Lazarus (John 11:16). Thomas also spoke at the Last Supper, making reference that he did not know where Christ was going (John 14:5). So, we can deduct from this that Thomas was not afraid to speak his mind or ask questions. He was not afraid to go or do what he thought was best at the time. This is probably why we don't see him with the other disciples in this specific verse. Thomas' ability to speak on his own and ask questions shows his leadership. It would be needed down the road as he traveled to share the news about Christ.

Thomas taught me that a good leader speaks up. A good leader is willing to take chances in what he may say and the responses that come from it.

Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came (John 20:24).

2. Thomas showed me that it's normal to doubt, but we need to use this doubt to believe.

Sometimes we want to knock Thomas upside the head. I mean, shoot, Jesus has been there with you these three years, healing, performing miracles, changing lives, etc., and you still don't believe. What is wrong with you, Thomas? But, what is wrong with us? How are we different than Thomas? Yes, they may have had the son of God in front of them, but we have the testimony of many men and women for two thousand years. We have our own lives and what Christ has done. We have the Holy Spirit. Then why do we doubt? Because it is human nature. The world constantly pulls at us. The world says, "Believe me, believe in yourself, believe in your car, your checking account, your family, your, your. ..." This constant pull toward the world pull us from the Savior. The more our minds are full of the world, the less they are full of the Savior. It only makes sense that we would then start to doubt or question.

Sometimes our doubt comes from the past. Like in my case, I never understood unconditional love. Between what I was being taught in church to my birth father, who was an army man (I was his little soldier), my life was full of rules. It would take a new father on earth (my mom would marry a wonderful Christian man) and one in heaven to redirect and renew my thinking. It is a process that I am still in to this day. To take all the lies from my past and turn them to truth. Acknowledging the goal of the devil with the goal of the Lord.

People ask me, how do you know the will of the Lord? When I notice my doubting starts to creep in, sin starts to show up, fear starts to overtake ... I have allowed His will to be overshadowed. It is only when I seek Him EVERY DAY that I am able to hear from the Lord for what He wants me to do, His will. Don't allow your doubt to make your heart hard, produce stubbornness and pride.

So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!" But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it" (John 20:25).

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10).

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2).

3. God's timing is perfect for what He is doing. He wants us to learn to have confident patience.

A week had passed since Thomas heard that Jesus had appeared. He had stated that he would not believe "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it." Of course, I would be like, "OK, Thomas, let's go find Jesus so you can see that he's real." But this didn't happen. Instead, a week would pass and Thomas didn't get to see or touch Jesus.

What I love about this period of time passing is the gift the other disciples got that Thomas didn't get. Thomas said he wouldn't believe unless he could touch Jesus himself. Wow, then a whole week passed where perhaps the other disciples were sharing their experiences of seeing Jesus. Can you imagine what it must have been like? To begin with, this might have only aggravated Thomas' doubt. I mean, "Jesus, if you are real, then show up right now and give me a job, find me a spouse, fix my relationship, give me money. Jesus if you are really God's son turn these stones into ... umm." Yikes! What have I become? Who does that sound like?

God's timing is perfect. Jesus wants us to learn to have confident patience for what He wants to show us in His timing. He wants us to have everything in His will for our lives. But everything needs to be for His purpose, not ours. Sometimes waiting makes us even more frustrated and impatient. This is when we need to be drawing toward Christ even more. Maybe that is what God was trying to do with Thomas. Maybe that is what He is trying to do with us.

A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!" (John 20:26).

4. When Jesus tells you to do something, you don't talk back. Just do it.

Wow, I can hear the Lord speaking to me at this very moment. It's like, "Kris, OK, you have had your little panic moment. You've allowed the world in again. You've allowed someone or something to have more truth than me. Stop! Stop! I am the Spirit of God living in you. In you! Call on me to guide, teach and direct you. Call on me to give you peace. This world gives you NOTHING! Then why do you keep going to it to fill you, complete you, and comfort you. You need proof? Think back to all the times I have loved you, protected you, provided for you, and ultimately saved you from hell. Think back to all the times you have seen me protect and love others. See me in this horrible world of selfishness shine above it. So stop, Kris! Stop doubting! I am here! I have always been here. I have not changed. Believe!"

Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe" (John 20:27).

"I the LORD do not change" (Malachi 3:6).

And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well (Luke 12:29-31).

5. Thomas taught me I could believe without physically touching Jesus.

Thomas would see Jesus and as far as we know, not touch Him and would believe. So what is our proof today? Jesus died on the cross to save us. It is in the fact that He provides, protects, and loves us. That His Holy Spirit now lives in us for those who have received Christ. Why is it so important that we have Jesus in front of us? So we can touch Him? We have touched Him. We have felt His arms around us. We have eaten dinner with Him, cried with Him, and laughed with Him. God's arms are in those who love us. We are an extension of the Lord. We are his arms, hands and feet.

Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!" (John 20:28).

I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward (Mark 9:41).

6. Jesus sends hope to all of us.

I am blessed because I was not there to see Him physically. Isn't that wonderful? God acknowledges and understands that it is harder to believe because we were not there. He is giving us a blessing because we have believed. So be excited in knowing He understands. And because it is harder, He knows we may slip back to questioning. But, this questioning can lead to a desire to know the Lord more.

Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" (John 20:29).

7. We have Jesus' Word, His witnesses and His Spirit to believe.

Jesus did all he did so that we would believe. God recorded this to help the future generations. On top of that, we have the Holy Spirit to guide us, give us hope, peace, encouragement, etc. And God continues to use others as witnesses on this earth. For the Lord wants all to come to know Him. Now it is our turn to be His arms and feet to help others to believe.

Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name (John 20:30-31).

This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth (1 Timothy 2:3-4).

But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come (John 16:13).

God would show me then and now that even though, due to life circumstances, I may still doubt, it is a way to bring me back to Him, to His arms, to His presence. Sometimes I have hard time believing that He loves me as I am with all my cracks and scars. That He loves me unconditionally. That nothing I can do can take that love away from me. If I only get that in my head and start to believe, I could change the world though Christ. I am getting there, one day at a time. Are you? Let your doubt deepen your faith and draw you closer to the Savior.

I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand (John 10:28).

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).

How to Make Love Work

By Stacy Hawkins Adams

Best-selling author Michelle McKinney Hammond has advised thousands of readers over the years how to find happiness in singleness and how to love themselves the way God intended.

One of her recent books, however, serves as a guide for nurturing a godly romance. In How to Make Love Work: The Guide to Getting It, Keeping It and Fixing What’s Broken Hammond takes a practical look at what it takes to develop and maintain a healthy relationship.

Hammond spoke to Crosswalk.com recently from Chicago, where she cohosts an Emmy Award-winning television show and serves as an empowerment coach and speaker.

Tell us about How to Make Love Work.

It’s a manual from A to Z, from singlehood all the way through marriage. Most people make decisions driven by emotions. They think as long as they feel good, love is working, and when they’re not feeling good it’s not working. Love not feeling good is an indicator that there is an area of the relationship that needs to be worked on. People always want the end result, but not the work it takes to get it. Sometimes work doesn’t feel good, but the rewards of it are fabulous.

What makes this book unique?

It’s a practical guide that incorporates a scriptural principle. I’m really just dissecting the parts of love and how you put them together - what proper alignment is, how you troubleshoot areas that are not working well, and the maintenance that’s involved. Nothing keeps growing on its own. A plant is beautiful as long as you water and nurture it with the right amount of sun. A relationship is the same. It has to be nurtured; it has to be refreshed.

I would say the difference also is this book’s much more objective take, in that it simplifies the main elements and leaves the choices up to the person reading the book. I give you tools and you get to make decisions on how to use them.

You indicate in the book that people generally look at love all wrong. How so?

Sometimes our expectations of love and what it’s supposed to accomplish in our lives make us feel we’re not loved at all. What we expect the other person to do, that poor other person doesn’t even know what your expectations are. He may not know or he may not be wired to do those things. Does that disqualify that it is love? It’s the expectation that now does damage to the relationship. That’s why our hearts have to be grounded in God’s Word.

No person will ever be able to fulfill all of our expectations about love, because God won’t allow it. There’s a hole that can only be filled by Him.

You equate building a solid relationship to assembling a great product. What are some of the vital components?

Women are wired to be receivers and men are wired to be givers. A socket is available for the plug. It is what it is, but it doesn’t pursue the plug. It is connected to all the things it should be connected to. Being open to making the connection is important where the woman is concerned.

Men’s initial and greatest fear is rejection. We have to be inviting and look approachable. Hidden attitudes can reveal themselves in our posture and expressions. Loosen up. Compliment the guy on his shoes so he knows it’s safe to talk to you. If he’s a boy and he’s waiting for you to run after him, that’s not someone you are going to want to be tied to long-term. If he’ s not aggressive in his pursuit of you, he will be passive in other important areas.

Let’s dissect your title. The first part of How to Make Love Work addresses how to find love. What’s your advice?

You’re going to have to do the work on yourself first, in your own heart and mind, about your expectations about love and what it takes to be good to you. Dating is for collecting data. You are collecting information to see if this person is qualified for courtship. Then, as friendship develops, you decide if you are going to be more intentional about pursuing a courtship. It tells you the things to look for and the things you need to flesh out as a couple and the maintenance that is required. Every day we choose to trust people who are not qualified to be life partners.

You also advise to readers how to keep love, once they’ve found a partner. Why do you refer to it as preventive maintenance?

People get to the altar and say, ‘I do’ and think, ‘I’m done. Now let me move on to the next goal on my list.’

There are some things that need to be in place to keep you from having problems. The basic things people need are patience, kindness and understanding, as well as the willingness to yield. If we are pursuing principles, sometimes we will lose the partner and the relationship in the process.

What about long-term maintenance?

Passion is important. It’s great to like each other, but it’s nice to have the icing of passion. There should be anchors in relationships that pull you back to your original feeling. You should still have date night and traditions and things in your home that lead you back home.

Laughter is also key. It’s important to be able to laugh at ourselves and with one another.

Why do you advise readers not to make their mates their ‘everything’?

Your ‘everything’ should be everything you’ve already built into your life. That person should be a wonderful addition to that. (Otherwise) you are setting yourself up to be disappointed and for the relationship to fail. Giving that person permission to be who they are empowers them to be greater for you. It’s a delicate dance.

What is your current relationship status?

I’m single, single single! There are different levels—there’s ‘Single, but getting out of a relationship;’ ‘Single, but seeing someone,’ and ‘Single, single, single,’ where you are footloose and exploring your options.

Being married is not the qualifier for knowing how to be married. If that was the case, nobody would be divorced. The quality of your present relationships is a good indicator of what your marriage would look like. Are they healthy? Are they long term? Most of the relationships in my life are 20 years old and over. I still have the same friends I had in 1976. That prepares me to know how to do the work to maintain and sustain a long-term relationship. The same keys have to be in place in your friendships and family interactions. You’ve got to do the work in other relationships, too.

You assert in How to Make Love Work that ‘We become the sum total of the love we are able to give and inspire in our lifetimes.’ How so?

Isn’t that the legacy we leave? Nobody talks about your job when you leave. They talk about the quality of your relationship with them.

When Tabitha in the Bible died, the widows mourned and brought their coats and other clothing she had made for them, and Peter raised her from the dead. The relationships and the things you did for others literally keeps you living after you are gone. Your life is a sum total of relationships. Make sure you have good ones. If there is no permanent mate, spread it to family and friends. They are the precursors to everything you’ll experience in a marriage.

What Men Really Think About Successful, Independent Women

By Cliff Young

Have you and your friends ever looked at something, like a situation, an inanimate object, or a person and have come to totally different conclusions about it? We all have.

I love how the human mind works – how fast it takes in data through the eyes, processes and compares it to personal desires and experiences in the mind, and formulates an instant impression. I know men do this well, sometimes too well, especially when it comes to women (so I’m reminded by some of my female friends).

Many of them are “mature,” single, well established, have great jobs, own their own home, are very independent and are very happy. They travel the world, they fix things around their homes and they serve in leadership roles in their church. Maybe you know some women like this or possibly are one. A question that I am often posed by them is this: “What do Christian guys think of women like me?” Knowing that this is a loaded question, I usually find some politically correct answer that seems to pacify them for the moment and move on.

I am now ready to come clean.

Not trying to speak for the entire single Christian male population, I’ve done some smaller-scale research and have come up with some non-scientific results in order to help women to better understand guys, as well as attempt to educate some men out there, if willing.

So, what do men think about successful, independent women? I’ve broken it down into three major impressions with male personality types associated with each.

DISCLAIMER: This is NOT an exact science, and there are generalizations in each category. There is no one specifically who I was thinking of while writing this.

Attraction and Admiration

Many men are actually attracted to and admire women who are independent, self-assured, and established, no matter what some of you may think. There is respect for what they’ve been able to accomplish in their lives and who they are as people. Some of these skills are obtained out of necessity, but nevertheless many men find these qualities quite attractive.

Men who are drawn to independent, successful women usually fit into either of two categories. They are either themselves independent, self-assured, and established, or they are very dependent, unsure of themselves and basically “mama’s-boy” (looking for someone to take care of them).

Men in the former group are more confident, know what they want and enjoy what they do. They are usually ones who enjoy less “high maintenance” types of women and doing things for them out of desire rather than out of obligation or need.

Men in the latter group are those who may enjoy a stronger type of woman, who does not necessarily replace their mother, but are a satisfactory substitute or augment their mother in the relationship. Men with no purpose or direction seem to be drawn to women like this in order to have a purpose.

Women often enjoy the attention and company of these types of guys for awhile, being the center of a guy’s attention and being needed, but soon realize that they have nothing to bring to the relationship. Some women oblige in order just to have a relationship.

Intimidation

The most common reply from women as to why they are still single is that “men are intimidated” by them. Many men can be intimidated by a woman who is capable of doing everything for herself. Being with an independent woman can expose weaknesses or challenge a man’s abilities in the skills that she knows, thus injuring his ego. They may look at women like this as threatening to their manhood and cause them to run. It’s true (sorry guys). Nobody wants to be shown up by others, and our society has made it a weakness for a guy to not be able to do something better than a woman.

One type of man in this category is usually not sure of himself and lacks the self-confidence. Insecurity may play a big role which can often stem from upbringing.

A man who may seem to be intimidated by a stronger woman is in reality may just be “turned-off” due to a desire or preference for the “old fashioned” type of girl. Granted, the person that he meets may be that type of girl, but has just had to fend for herself over the years.

No Need Perceived

Some women give off the impression that they are so independent that they don’t need anyone else, especially a husband. Many times this may not be the case, but a self-assured personality along with a settled lifestyle of having a home, career, and everything in order can make a man feel as if there’s no place for a man in her life.

Many men end up not pursuing women like this not out of intimidation, but rather out of perceived “ultra-independence” on the woman’s part. According to many single males who I’ve talked with, some women puts out signals, consciously or unconsciously, that they aren’t interested in a relationship. They are fine the way they are, and they don’t need a man in their life – no matter what they may say.

Many guys have told me how they were very interested in a girl, but she kept on emphasizing her independence and all that she was able to accomplish. They were left thinking, “Where would I fit in?”

Lessons Learned

For Men:

• Women want to be pursued, they want to be needed in a relationship and they want to be treated like a lady - chivalry is not gone or outdated (you may want to “Google” the term if you’re unsure of what it means; that would be a good start).
• This is the case for many women: YOU have the task of living up to what their fathers are or were. It might be a good idea to ask about their dads, meet them if possible and emulate (not fake) some of the traits.
• Vulnerability, honesty, transparency, communication are all traits that seem to be key to a successful relationship.
• Being friends with females is great, but most guy-girl friendships need to be clarified at some point. I once heard somewhere that in every guy-girl non-dating relationship, one person or the other at some point wants the relationship to go further than just a friendship. Think about it, if it’s not you, it’s probably them.

When I was a child, I remember visiting my pediatrician’s office and seeing a poster in his office. It read, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”

I never gave it much thought, after all I was a child and as a child you can do just about anything. But as a man, “I put childish ways behind me.” Notice that this is a statement.

What I didn’t realize was that it came from 1 Corinthians 13:11. There are a lot of guys still reasoning like a child.

For Women:

• Guys want to be the “man” in the relationship (granted some don’t act like it, but in their defense many were never showed this in their home while growing up).
• Guys want to be (or at least feel) needed.
• Guys want their significant other to admire and have confidence in them. I know that some guys may not deserve it, warrant it, or know what to do with it, but it’s important to a male psyche. If you get to a point where you can’t do it, ask yourself “why are you in the relationships at all?”
• Guys need a break sometimes. It’s not easy to balance what guys should be like in the world and then get a differing interpretation in church.
• Be sensitive to what the guy is trying to do for you. To some men, it’s not easy dealing with some women.

Beware: a potential relationship may be closer than it may appear.

10 Ways to Be Marriable

By Suzanne Hadley

A few years ago I was visiting my parents when I caught my mom with some interesting reading material: Marriable by Hayley and Michael DiMarco. She divulged a few of the book's insights and assured me that I was on track. When you're working toward something, whether obtaining a degree, succeeding in a career or finding a life partner, it's not a bad idea to study how others have done it — and done it well.

With this in mind, I informally interviewed a dozen married couples to find out what drew them to their spouses and what made them stick around. These 10 characteristics rose to the top.

(Note: Some names have been changed to protect couples' privacy.)

1. Contentment. When Nathan met Kelsey, he noticed her beautiful smile and the fact that she was satisfied with her life. "She wasn't desperate to get married," he says. "Kelsey had two plans for life: one that included a spouse and one that did not. That told me that she was content with whatever God brought her way."

Jessica caught Jim's attention the moment she walked into the room. "She acted differently than most people — reserved and modest, not showing off her obvious beauty," he says. As Jim got to know her through the outdoor activities they enjoyed doing together, he noticed her self-assurance. "She wasn't looking, but she wasn't resistant either. I got along with her very well, and it seemed that she wasn't trying too hard to be the person I wanted."

2. Initiative. Josh found many things to love about Danielle, including her stunning auburn locks, but the thing that most caught his attention was that she was living her life with purpose. She had graduated from college and was succeeding in her career as an exhibition design assistant at a big city art museum.

"Some girls I knew were sitting around waiting for this wealthy, good-looking man to take care of them," Josh says. "Danielle was living life to the fullest and that attracted me to her.

"I thought, If a girl is sitting on the couch at home all day at her parents, will she sit on the couch all day as my wife? In Danielle, I could see a glimpse into the future and knew she would carry the same passion and energy she had for God, our church and her job into marriage. As it turns out, I was right."

Similarly, Gretta, who was friends with her husband, Jay, for three years before they began dating, noted his work ethic. "He was determined to do well at whatever he set out to do," she says. "He was reading books on relationships, talking to trusted married friends and seeking wise counsel. I saw in his work life how he wanted to excel. He would do whatever it took to get the job done, and he applied that same determination to our relationship."

3. Kindness. Johanna was first attracted to Paul because of the friendliness and kindness he showed to everyone, not just her. "And I thought he was a hottie," she adds. After they were married, Johanna discovered that Paul's kind heart extended to financial generosity as well. "He gives way more than the standard," she says.

4. Consistency. Kelsey knew she wanted to marry Nathan when she was grocery shopping with him for a dorm section event in college. They weren't even dating. "I thought to myself, I could shop with Nathan for the rest of my life!" Kelsey knew Nathan for two years before they began dating. "He was consistent," she says. "He was the same person no matter who he was around or what situation he was in."

5. Optimism. Gavin and Jamie met while working together at the same church. "I guess it was natural I would take a second glance at someone who was my age, cute and single," Gavin says.

But once they began dating, he discovered something else. "She'd lived through some rough times growing up (like me). Yet somehow, she'd come out on the other side with a remarkably positive attitude about life and an unshakeable faith."

Even when Gavin lost his job, and thought that might end their relationship — "Who wants to date a guy who just lost his fulltime income, right?" — Jamie was supportive and encouraged him in the next step. That pattern has continued into their marriage.

6. Commitment. When Josh began attending Lindy's church and quickly committed himself to the worship and leadership teams, Lindy was impressed. It was also a "happy coincidence" because she was on the same teams, which meant they got to see each other three times a week. Josh demonstrated the same kind of dedication as he pursued Lindy for marriage. "He's a man of integrity who knows how to make a commitment," she says.

7. Spiritual Passion. Krista believes God told her to marry her husband, Craig. "I quite willingly agreed!" she says. "When I was growing up, my mom told me to pray for a husband who is passionate about God. I did, and I got him! I am able to respect Craig because he listens to God and obeys His voice."

From the first time they met, Melissa loved Brock's green eyes. The kind of guy who would buy her a trinket she liked or plan a fun outing together, it was Brock's devotion to Christ that ultimately won Melissa's heart. "His desire to know Jesus and develop a closer relationship with Him was evident through the dating process," she says. "He has a very strong commitment to the Lord."

8. Humility. Christine met her husband, Mike, via their blogs, and eventually moved to Australia to marry him. Among his many good qualities, Christine says of Mike: "He is open about his flaws and sincerely repents of his wrongs. I can see his tender heart constantly being shaped by the Holy Spirit to become more like Christ."

Josh's humility "really got my attention," Danielle says. "I'd been around a lot of men who were full of pride, who never gave heartfelt apologies or thought they were wrong. Josh had a humble spirit, and I really loved that about him." She's discovered that this humility also allows Josh to be a good leader of their home.

9. Faith. Shy and reserved, Sarah might have never talked to Andrew if he hadn't sat by her at a college ice cream social and struck up a conversation. But as she got to know him, she noticed his deep trust in the Lord. "I knew Andrew would make a good spouse because of his commitment to being a godly man and the way he trusted the Lord for all of his needs. That was a trust that I saw the Lord rewarding time and again as He provided exactly what we needed at the moment."

10. Perseverance. Rebecca and her husband, Kade, had a long, difficult engagement. "I experienced so much grace, love and truth-telling," Rebecca says. "I felt completely valued and loved in a way I never had before, and I saw Kade persevere in the challenge of relating to my parents, who didn't like him."

Mike heard about his wife, Jessica's, "brains and beauty" before he ever even met her. When they did meet, he was hooked. But five months after they began dating, Jessica went on a year-long mission trip to a country with limited Internet and phone access. While she was away, Mike got up at 4 a.m. many mornings to chat with her online, spent a fortune on calling cards and even visited twice, staying for two months in the summer.

"Then I knew he would not only support my dreams but join me in them," Jessica says.

"Throughout our relationship, Jessica was committed and loyal," Mike adds. "We had a saying 'up and to the right' (like the trend you want to see in the stock market). As time passed our love for each other continued to grow. Marriage has its ups and downs. Being able to make it through the downs is what strengthens a relationship."

Each of the above 10 characteristics was mentioned again and again — by people who know. This list is certainly not comprehensive, but based on the fact that most of the couples interviewed have been married for between five and 10 years, these qualities seem to be good indicators not only of "mate" potential but of success in married life.

Getting married and staying married isn't always easy, but solid character is a good foundation for both.

How to Be a Man

By Cliff Young

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value — Albert Einstein

Society tells us to “Be the man” and “You’re the man,” but it fails to give men an accurate picture of what that is. Even in the Bible, Nathan said to David, “You are the man!” . . . ”Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes?” (2 Samuel 12:7, 9).

Just because David was “the man” in his time, he had his share of struggles in knowing and in doing what was right in God’s eyes, too.

When I think about how to be a man, a lot of ideas, images, and thoughts come to mind. In some ways I wish that I didn’t have so many and there would be one clear cut “ideal” way. But in today’s world of questionable role models, political correctness, diversity acceptance, and gender confusion, it makes “being a man” a little confusing, and to do so as a Christian, even more so.

Today’s churches seem to have varying opinions of what a man should be as well. Some churches have adopted a passive, quiet, “turn the other cheek” sort of man, while other ministries, like the newly developed men’s conference, GodMen, have another take. From their website, www.godmen.com they say the following:

“The truth is that on any given Sunday, 60 percent of church attendees are women, and something about church today is keeping men away. We are attempting to create a worship place for men that looks nothing like church. It is a place where men of no religion and men who have left the church break bread with followers of Jesus. Where simply being a man, created in Gods image, is celebrated. An environment familiar with and conducive to the way men are made comfortable and the unique way men interact.”

Newsweek says about GodMen, “Their purpose: to reassert masculinity within a church structure that they say has been weakened by feminization.”

In the controversial book, Wild at Heart, which has sold over 500,000 copies, author John Eldredge says, “When all is said and done, I think most men in the church believe that God put them on the earth to be a good boy. The problem with men, we are told, is that they don’t know how to keep their promises, be spiritual leaders, talk to their wives, or raise their children . . . Walk into most churches in America, have a look around, and ask yourself this question: What is a Christian man?”

The bottom line is, “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him” (Genesis 1:27).

To the typical Christian guy, what does that mean? Even more puzzling is, how is that lived out? We are told that we are made in the image of God and we are to live our lives as Christ lived, but many of those “formative years” in Jesus’s life are not revealed in the Bible. We read about his life as a child teaching in the temple and we know of his years of ministry after he turns 30 years old, but nothing is said of his teenage and young adult years. In some ways, that can leave many questions for the spiritual growth of a man.

When I accepted Christ, I was working in a large company in the Bay Area and didn’t have a lot of other Christian businessmen around me who mentored me in how to live a godly Christian life within the confines of today’s fast-paced society and the world of business. I had to seek out older men who were living godly lives.

Guys, for whatever reason, oftentimes look for role models or “heroes.” Many of us won’t readily admit to doing so, but we want to be around others who exude “manliness,” guys we can “hang” with . . . “real men.” Of course if you asked us how to define “manliness,” you’d get a hundred different answers. But each one of us could probably point out someone who represents it to us.

One person I’ve found in the Bible that I would point to is Boaz. A lesser known character, he represents someone who followed God and lived a life that is relatable and whom I would like to emulate in some ways. Boaz wasn’t a disciple of Jesus—in fact he lived approximately 1000 years prior to Jesus. Boaz doesn’t have a book named after him, and his entire life is only mentioned in three chapters of Ruth. But in those three short chapters, Boaz shows us how to be a man of God, how to be a man in business and how to be a man in a relationship.

How to Be a Man of God

But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness (1 Timothy 6:11).

Many people can “look” like a man of God or “sound” like a man of God, but Boaz exemplified it in who he was, how he spoke and what he did.

• He was a “man of standing”—also known as “mighty man of valor,” possessed the finest of qualities (Ruth 2:1).
• He became “kinsman-redeemer”—took responsibility for Naomi and Ruth and their property (Ruth 2:20, 4:9).
• He blessed others—to his workers, “The Lord be with you” (Ruth 2:4); to Ruth, “May the Lord repay you for what you have done. May you be richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge” (Ruth 2:11-12).
• He spoke kindly to others and was kind—Ruth said, “You have given me comfort and have spoken kindly to your servant” (Ruth 2:13); Naomi said, “He has not stopped showing his kindness to the living and the dead” (Ruth 2:20).
• He cared about the feelings of others—“Even if she gathers among the sheaves, don’t embarrass her” (Ruth 2:15).

To be a man "of” God, you need to be a man who follows and submits “to” God. Boaz certainly depicted a man whose life was one of consistent submission to the Lord.

How to Be a Man in Business

What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? (Matthew 16:26).

When it comes to world of business, there are many people who believe that selling your soul is a small price when it comes to wealth and fortune. There are examples of this every day on the news and it was a common practice during Boaz’s time. This made Boaz stand out even more as a successful businessman who owned many fields, had many workers and slaves and had the means for much more.

• He cared about his workers—“The Lord be with you” (Ruth 2:4).
• He was astute (knew who worked for him and knew the comings and goings)—“Whose young woman is that?” (Ruth 2:5).
• He was honest and fair—“For no one has the right to do it except you, and I am next in line” (Ruth 4:2-5).
• He was wealthy—“I have bought from Naomi all the property of Elimelech, Kilion and Mahlon” (Ruth 4:9).
• He was well respected—the kinsman-redeemer and elders were willing to listen to Boaz and blessed him (Ruth 4:1-2, 11-13).

Life’s greatest joys are not what one does apart from the work of one’s life, but with the work of one’s life — William J Bennett

How to Be a Man in a Relationship

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving — Author Unknown

This period of time was marked by immorality and irresponsibility. Boaz was a successful, single older man, and was probably pursued and could have married (or taken advantage of) anyone he wanted to, but he didn’t. A younger, widowed woman in an unfamiliar place comes along and catches his eye, but throughout their interaction, he treats her honorably.

• He respected her—“My daughter . . .” (which was a proper greeting based upon the difference in their ages) (Ruth 2:8).
• He ensured her safety—“I have told the men not to touch you” (Ruth 2:9).
• He cared for Ruth and Naomi—“He gave me these six measures of barley, saying, Don’t go back to your mother-in-law empty-handed” (Ruth 3:17).
• He acted responsibly with her—he did not send her home in the middle of the night, “Stay here for the night”; he protected the rights of the nearest kinsman-redeemer, “ . . . if he wants to redeem, good; let him redeem.”; he protected her reputation, “Don’t let it be known that a woman came to the threshing floor” (Ruth 3:13-14).
• He would not touch her unless Ruth was rightfully his to do so—“ . . .there is a kinsman-redeemer nearer than I" (who has the right to her); He promised he would care for her if given the opportunity—“…if he is not willing, as surely as the Lord lives I will do it” (Ruth 3:13); “So Boaz took Ruth as she became his wife” (Ruth 4:13).

Men are given so many confusing messages these days by society, by the media, by peers and by women themselves. Everywhere we look, we are told how we should be, what we should look like or wear and how we should act. Men are being bounced between macho-ism and metro-sexual-ism. And the only place that we can go to establish a foundation of “how to be a man” is the Word of God.

My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words.
Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart;
for they are life to those who find them and health to a man’s whole body.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.
Do no swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

(Proverbs 4:20-27)

Oh I say the measure of a man
Is not how tall you stand
How wealthy or intelligent you are
'Cause I found out the measure of a man
God knows and understand
For He looks inside to the bottom of your heart
And what's in the heart defines
The measure of a man

4HIM – “Measure of a Man”

The Cure for a Broken Heart

By Kathleen Hardaway

Less than a year ago my mother was diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation. During these challenging months of several trips to the hospital and many doctors' visits, Mom has learned how important it is to daily check her heart. She daily monitors her blood pressure and her heart rhythm often several times throughout the day. It's critical that she know the condition of her heart.

How's your heart? Have you checked it lately? Unfortunately, far too many of us are on a fast track of simply living life, and our hearts are in far worse condition than we may realize.

Could it be bitterness or possibly just boredom? It's amazing how many different feelings come straight from the heart. The most difficult heart condition to overcome is—a broken one.

A broken heart can come in many different forms, and can be caused by a wide variety of reasons. The one that hurts the worst comes from broken relationships. Has anyone ever said to you, "I don't love you anymore"? These can be the most painful words ever spoken. Deep, hurtful words that pierce the heart.

A broken heart is one of the most common heart conditions you can experience. And, if not healed properly, in time, it can kill you. Maybe not a physical death, but a slow death to a life that desperately needs healing—healing to your soul. Are you desperate for healing in the deepest places of your heart? A wound to the heart can cause great anger and bitterness. This heart condition, not healed properly, will eat away at the core of who you are.

A broken heart can cripple you if you're not careful. I would almost choose a broken arm or broken leg, over a broken heart. Wouldn't you? In time you know they will heal. You're not sure about your heart.

Have you been lied to, stepped on, mistreated, and you feel used from a past relationship? You wonder why you should get out of bed. The world can just go on without you. Oh, how I understand. There have been times in my life that my heart hurt so badly I didn't think I could breathe. I have cried what seem like buckets of tears and wondered where God was in it all.

I have had to face days with gut-wrenching thoughts of "Why go on?" When I felt like I hit a brick wall with nowhere to go, it always came down to one thing, my faith. Did I believe God was in control of my life or not? People may disappoint us. A boyfriend, a husband, a fiancée, a friend, a child, a parent, a boss, all can in some way—break our hearts.

I would not suggest there are three or five or even seven easy steps to mend a broken heart, because the healing process takes time. Everyone heals differently, and each hurt is different. But, I will give you a few suggestions to help begin your healing process.

First, cry out to God. No person or thing can replace God's healing. Often many so want the pain to go away that they run to food, drugs, alcohol, and the television. Anything to escape the enormous hurt that they're experiencing. Cling to his Word. It's not a feeling at this point that will go away; it's a strong commitment to believe daily that God has a plan no matter how bad your situation looks today.

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans for welfare and not calamity, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11). I have read these verses in almost every phase of my life. During the good, the bad, and the ugly times in my life. His Word always encourages me, no matter how I feel. The pain doesn't go away at that point, but there's hope through his Word that in time it will.

"If you seek Me, you will truly find Me when you seek me with all your heart and soul" (Deuteronomy 4:29). Don't stop running to him and his Word. The enemy wants nothing more than to keep you discouraged, keep you miserable, keep you from believing God has a better plan for your life than what you're now experiencing. "Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7). He desires that you go to him, not run to the solutions the world gives. Tell him exactly how you feel.

Second, it's okay to cry. You may be trying to stay strong for your kids, at work, or with certain family members. But, at some point maybe you need a really good cry. You may be thinking you have cried more than I can imagine. If at some point you cannot get past crying, you may need to talk to a godly friend. A friend who will listen, but more importantly one who will pray for you and encourage you.

In my book, I Kissed a Lot of Frogs, but the Prince Hasn't Come, I go into great detail about a time in my life when I had experienced a broken heart, and how godly friends made such a huge difference during this time in my life. Godly friendships are critical to walking through any kind of trials.

If you cannot seem to move on, you may consider godly counsel. Today many churches have a counselor on staff. Be sure and check references for counselors.

It's going to take one breath at a time, one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month to begin to heal, to have joy again. When nothing in this life looks good—God has not left you. There have been times in my life that I have had a choice to make, will I still have faith in this storm? Will I still have faith, when my heart is bleeding from the pain? Will I still have faith, when all looks dark, lonely, miserable, and hopeless. Will I still have faith? Will I believe the truths form God's Word or not? It's a daily choice.

Will I have faith enough to believe God for one more day, one more day to at least thank him that I can get out of bed? To thank Him that I still have a roof over my head? To thank Him that I still have food on the table and to say a blessing of thanksgiving that He still loves me when I may feel like no one else does?

My friend, the world will encourage you to quickly replace this broken heart with someone else or something else. It will not work. Maybe for a while, maybe for a season. But God says, "For the joy of the Lord is your strength." Oh, these may sound like such pat answers. I understand … when I'm hurting, I have wanted to have my pity parties, my self-indulging times, and self-pity songs like "It's my party, and I will cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry too, if it happened to you."

God's Word truly is the healing for your heart and soul. It's all you can trust in, in this world of often make believe. When nothing in this life looks good, God reminds us, this life is not our home. I can get frustrated about that sometimes. Can't you? It's like at times things can be so close to good. If I can just fix this one thing, this person, this job then I can be happy. It's easy to live this way … but when one of the spinning plates (the things in life) come down, the joy can be gone. Smashed! And once again, you may stand there with another broken heart.

Lastly, worship the Lord in song. Get your favorite CDs or your iPod and listen to uplifting encouraging Christian music. There are times when nothing else will encourage me like soothing praise music. Pray the songs …. sing the songs … and worship him in song.

You will have joy again. You will laugh again. You will delight yourself in him again, and if you do, guess what—he promises to give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4). No more broken heart, but a joyous, truly happy, healthy heart. There's nothing better!